BACK ISSUES

HOUSING: BAD-ENOCH'S FINAL SOLUTION

Bird Guano’s

SAUSAGE LIFE

The column that teaches it's grammar to suck egg’s

READER: Nobody will get that joke.

MYSELF: That fact alone is very depressing. Anyway, listen to this:
Superstitious? Unable to cope with the idea of random events or coincidence? If religion seems like an insurmountable crock of fairytail garbage, have you ever considered Astrology?

READER: Wait a minute. Is this an ad?

MYSELF: Yes, its for my new horoscope service, to be called The wonderful blandness of spiritual certainty without the messy unpredictable consequences of rational thought

READER: That’s a bit long isn’t it?

MYSELF: Ok, how about Gobshite for the Gullible?

READER: That’s more like it.

COUNCIL CRACKS DOWN ON INCONVENIENCE STORES

Upper Dicker Council, now controlled by The British Gravytrain Party (BGT) under Mayor Ron Gravy have announce a major crackdown on the unlicensed, so-called inconvenience stores which are popping up all over town. One shop, hastily erected on top of a rickety extending step ladder was described by Mayor Gravy as “an accident waiting for someone to happen to." Pausing to tie a St George's flag on a parking meter, he told our reporter "The BGT are determined to crack down on these shops, which are particularly dangerous for the elderly or for overloaded customers purchasing the week’s shopping". He added that one shop owner had already been arrested for obstruction after situating his vape n’ paper shop in the middle of the busy A21, claiming that he was only taking advantage of passing trade.

THE BRITISH ARMY KNIFE

Hastings boffin Professor Gordon Thinktank has come up with another exciting invention, The British Army Knife. It contains in its tiny body an attachment for getting protesters out of police horse’s hooves. an anal thermometer which also doubles as an egg timer and an umbrella.

QUID PRO QUO

An occasional column in which High Court Judge Lord Justice Hyphen-Hyphen QC (Disbarred). dispenses advice for the judicially impaired. This week, an appeal for legal clarification from Mrs. Cattlegrid-Kitsch, formally plain Mrs. Cattlegrid.

Dear Your Worship,

I am 56 years old, and recently lost my husband. During a visit to London, Norman and I were browsing in TentsRus, a camping supplies shop on the Edgware Rd. One minute we were both admiring some Belgian primus stoves, the next thing I knew he had vanished and I was all alone.
A thorough search of the family-sized ridge tents (with awning and sewn-in groundsheet), proved fruitless, as did a quick survey of the two-man pup tents, which revealed nothing bar a few amorous couples and some homeless Austrians. With the shop about to close and no sign of my husband, I gave up and returned home. Imagine my surprise when 3 weeks later my husband was discovered in a bivouac on an artificial ice floe. He had been living at the South Pole exhibit in the Frozen Tundra department of that very same camping supplies shop, with a woman explorer named Dierdre Privette-Hedges; apparently in the interim, managing to subsist on tubes of concentrated chicken liver paté and slimline tonics.

Sadly, by this time, I had assumed my husband dead, and remarried (a wonderful gas fitter named Bert Kitsch). My question is this; what is my present legal position viz a viz my marital status?

Ivy Cattlegrid-Kitsch (Mrs), Herzmonceaux

Dear Mrs Cattlegrid-Kitsch,

First of all let me express my deepest sympathy at the loss of your dear husband Norman. This is certainly an unusual case, but not without precedent, as I discovered in my copy of Spoonbender's Essential Precedents (every consultation saves a guinea), where I came upon the following case;
Zeighaller vs Schtoppfhaus & Zeighaller (Munich Crown Court 1947):
Housewife Frau Leni Zeighaller and her husband Klaus, of Schnappsberg, were visiting Munich for the famous Oktoberfest beer festival. During a drinking song competition, they became separated in the crowd. A distraught Frau Zeighaller searched the beer halls and Kellars for several hours, then, assuming her husband to be dead, caught the last tram back to Schnappsberg. The following day she married next door neighbour Hermann Schtoppfhaus, an unemployed orthopaedic surgeon. Incredibly, on the afternoon of the wedding, her missing husband Klaus turned up, exhausted but very much alive, on their doorstep. He explained that he had become intoxicated in the Beer Hall, and fallen unconcious into a vat of bratwurst, wherein he was discovered the next morning by officials and escorted from the premises. Having also lost his wallet, he was forced to walk the 156 kilometres home.

At the subsequent hearing at Shnappsberg Assizes, notoriously fair presiding judge Justiche Baron von Oberschtummenkopf of Bavaria, after much legal deliberation, ruled that the Zeighallers were still married, but that Herr Schtopfhausen should assume custody of the Zeighaller’s pet goat, Himmel, allowing Frau Zeighaller access on alternative Thursdays. The Munich Beer Hall Company was awarded DM875 (approx. €180) to be paid from public funds, to cover the cost of the damaged sausages which, following the incident, were rendered partially unsuitable for consumption.

I sincerely hope this has been of some assistance to you and wish you well in your present unfortunate circumstances.

Lord Justice Hyphe-Hyphen QC (disbarred)

CINEMA: PILATES OF THE CARRIBEAN

Released this weekend at all major theatres: Johnny Depp stars as Mrs Blackbeard, the swashbuckling, balloon-riding housewife who terrorises shipping heading for Cuba with supplies of food and petroleum.

OBSCENE FOOTBALL CHANTS WERE VENTRILOQUISTS SAY POLICE

A thorough investigation into the foul-mouthed chanting at a recent pre-season match between Upper Dicker Macaroons and Peasemarsh Antelope FC has led to over 200 arrests. East Sussex police chief Hydra Gorgon has revealed that a gang of organised ventriloquist hooligans have infiltrated the Macaroons supporters club, intent on causing mayhem. In the aftermath of the affray, one policeman, handcuffed to a suspect was heard saying “I am making this false arrest so that I can beat this man into unconsciousness back at the station. When he comes round I intend to present him with manufactured evidence which could send him to prison unless he gives me a lot of money.” The officer later denied that he had said anything of the sort but body cam footage clearly showed that the arrested man’s lips were not moving.

Sausage Life!

Against all odds, a poor Irish immigrant family rise to the top in 19th century America

Rarely-seen 2Os German Expressionist film about a strange spanner-worshipping cult

JESUS WANTS ME FOR A SUN READER aka PASS THE INSTANT YOGA

JACK POUND

Click terrifying image for video

CHEMTRAILS ON MY MIND
MORT J SPOONBENDER

On September 11th 1958, José Popacatapetl, a retired tree psychologist who's father was head gardener for the CIA during the cold war, was hitchiking through the Alberqueque desert when he was picked up by a black sedan driven by J Edgar Hoover's ex-boyfriend André Pfaff head of FBI underhand operations and extra-terrestrial banking who once worked as a quantum mechanic for the KGB under the direct orders of the zombie reincarnation of Josef Stalin whose mummified corpse was stored in a secret bunker in the basement of the Vatican.

Vote For Countryside Alliance

A party political Broadcast by The Hunt Cult.

Click image for video

THE SENIOR MOMENTS

SEE THEIR LAST GREAT PERFORMANCE ON THE THE PERRY COMO SHOW 1959

POISON PEOPLE

By Guano Poundhammer

click image for video

Video from the album Domestic Bliss

SUPERCALIFUCKINGFRAGIFUCKINGLISTICEXPIALIFUCKINGDOCIOUS

Click image for video

SPONSORED ADVERTISEMENT

"Sometimes you just need a tool that doesn't do anything"

SAY GOODBYE TO IRONING MISERY!

When added to your weekly wash, new formula Botoxydol, with Botulinim Toxin A, will guarantee youthful, wrinkle-free clothes.

Take years off your smalls with Botoxydol!

CAUTION

MAY CAUSE SMILEY FACE T-SHIRTS TO LOOK INSINCERE

ATTENZIONE!

‘Watching Paint Die’ EP by Girl Bites Dog is out now and available wherever you rip off your music.

Made entirely without the assistance of AI, each listen is guaranteed to eliminate hair loss, cure gluten intolerance and stop your cat from pissing in next door's garden.

Photo credit: Alice's Dad (circa 2000)

https://open.spotify.com/album/2fHlSX6Dm7hEm9TUYkGUAN...