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Bird Guano's

SAUSAGE LIFE

The column which thinks that taxidermy is the new tattooing

MYSELF: What’s that you’re doing, the crossword?

READER: Yes, and I’m stuck.

MYSELF: You surprise me.

READER: I mean look at this, 4 across: type of bat, 7 letters C-R, something something something, E-T….

MYSELF: Cricket?

READER: Is that the best you can do? Not to put too fine a point on it, there are many varieties of the leathery flying mammal (Chiroptera), but the Cricket is not amongst them.

MYSELF: You mean you’ve never heard of a cricket bat?

READER: Move over Einstein. I think you’ll find that the cricket (Gryllus Gryllus) is not a type of bat. Specifically, it is a type of insect, perhaps known better as the character of Jiminy Cricket, the animated conscience with the top hat that featured in Walt Disney’s Pinnochio (1937). Smart boy wanted!

MYSELF: Crosswords were never my strong point.

MORAL VICTORY FOR UK IN EUROVISION TRAVESTY

In the 69th Eurovision Song Contest, which this year took place in Brazil, Spain’s winning entry La-La La-La Deedy-Deedy Bum-Bum Bum by the acrobatic troupe Los Pantalones Descendentes has become mired in controversy after it was disclosed that lead trampolinist José Bombero, was miming as he swung through the air on an invisible wire during their enthusiastic performance. As the rest of the group splashed barefoot through flaming horse manure playing brass instruments, José, wearing only a pink tutu, flew over them allegedly playing the accordion, an instrument his close friends say he is totally unfamiliar with.

SNOW BUSINESS
As Rio’s vast Estadio Dominante was plunged into darkness, the hushed crowd suddenly erupted into wild applause as the lights went up and a life-size igloo was lowered from the ceiling, from which emerged Alaskan outfit Blubber. The ten-piece boy band tore into the bombastic self-penned No No Nanook based on a traditional Eskimo folk song which they performed in an obscure Innuit dialect. The audience joined in joyfully with the chorus as the boys performed complex dance moves accompanied by trained penguins and scantily clad go-go dancers before expertly skinning a seal.

NUL & VOID

The UK entry Tattoo Me There, performed by all-girl band Ditzy Bimbo, received Nul Points, a score which has lately become something of a tradition. Bravely fighting off tears as she punched holes in the dressing room wall, Hermione Dildor, the group’s choreographer, told us, “It’s so unfair! If only Terry Wogan was still here, he could have made us look really ironic.”

The Chinese entry Poverty is Wealth featuring coal-powered giant pandas, paper dragons and AI-generated slave children manufacturing cheap shoes scored third lowest, just ahead of Israel’s explosive Death-Metal anthem Get Off Your Land.

THE BIGLY SLEEP
AI technology will enable Trump to watch his own lying-in-state

Fake News the genial ex-president might say as he watches his solid gold virtual casket, draped in a MAGA flag being carried by fifty AI-generated dancing girls to the Walt Disney Chapel of Fun in Hollywood Boulevard where, overlooked by a giant statue of Tinkerbell the feisty fairy in Peter Pan, Trump will lie in state, as he did so often in life. Thanks to Silicon Valley's advances in Artificial Intelligence, this is now set to be a virtual reality.

Millions of dewy-eyed amnesiacs will pay $15.99 to file past for a chat with the President’s virtual body. Using sophisticated AI techniques it will be possible to choose from a series of questions they can ask the 'dead' president.
After depositing a coin, the visitor will see the lifelike eyes crinkle as the big orange neck revolves and he appears to respond with famous presidential replies such as China? What do the Chinese know about walls? Nothing. Walls were invented by the British in Victorian times, to keep the Scots out of their gardens. Losers.

or: I’m now more dead than any other president in history ever - I’m up in heaven now and there’s no one else here except me and my friend God. Great guy. Very powerful guy.
Finally Trump's corpulent cadaver will be loaded on to Airforce One and flown to his Mar a Lago resort where along with the vast presidential horde of TrumpCoins, it will be interred on the eighteenth green of its magnificent golf course (now renamed Golf of America) located in a secret burial chamber inside a full size copy of the famous replica of the Great Pyramid of Cheops in Las Vegas. The Trump Pyramid is thought to contain seventy three en-suite bedrooms, a casino and its own branch of McDonalds.

Book review

THE ESSENTYAL ALMANAC OF GUDE MANNERS & SOCIAL GRACES by Arnold Smollett (Burke & Hair £15.99)

This fascinating tome, although sometimes difficult to read in the original Pickwickian English, reveals the complicated web of rules and social mores which the populace of the period were required to negotiate, much of which will be familiar to today’s middle class dinner party set. Take this example from chapter 5, entitled Maintayning Good Taybel.

“Certayne persons, whose good intercourse hath ceased to flowe wythe the partayking of wine, may seek, by incontynent conversation, to cause an atmosphere inconsystant wythe the dyning rules of the house. It is permissible under such circumstance for the host to cause hys shavyng instruments to be brought to the tayble, and after stropping hys rayzor on the unruly guest's braces (or in the case of a lady, her bustle-strap), he may proceede to plunge his shavyng brush into hys or her soupe, gravye, or coustarde, (depending upon whych course the offendyng behaviours were deemed to have taken place), and procede to lather the offender’s face wyth it. Should the guest prove as thykke skynned as a Rhodesian rhynocerous, and insist on remayning seated even after the host hath applied hot towels, the hostess may be encouraged to approache the guest from behynde and, after placing a duelling pistol adjaycent to the temple, to gentlye squeeze the trygger.

In order to preserve the host and hostesse's social position, care should be taken to avoid any collateral damage or injury to the other guests.

NEWS: NO SMOKE WITHOUT FUHRER

Regarding his policy on tobacco, Nigel Farage, absentee MP and deputy leader of the Reform Party said today that when he is given the keys to number 10, his government will radically reverse the previous administrations’ ban on indoor smoking in pubs. Mr Farage’s party maintains that smoking is a harmless pastime which gives many people great pleasure and that it has many health benefits, particularly in the area of lung cancer, which it is thought to cure. Asked why he had chosen to ignore the findings of the Surgeon General, Mr Farage replied;

“It is not in anyone’s interests to kowtow to the whims of the Woke Brigade, particularly in the controversial area of tobacco sales, where confusion and hyperbole often collaborate to form a smokescreen, no pun intended, of misleading and contradictory advice. The so-called Surgeon General should quite frankly keep his large over-sensitive nose out of politics and concentrate on the job he is vastly overpaid to do, ie conduct expensive time-consuming research into public health using highly paid scientists and teams of professional researchers in order to publish huge multi-volume reports which, quite frankly, no one ever has enough time to read. I myself smoke 200 untipped cigarettes per day and can still down eighteen pints of subsidised beer in one of the 24-hour Westminster Bars on a Friday night before driving home to wherever my constituency is”

Sausage Life!

Against all odds, a poor Irish immigrant family rise to the top in 19th century America

Rarely-seen 2Os German Expressionist film about a strange spanner-worshipping cult

JESUS WANTS ME FOR A SUN READER aka PASS THE INSTANT YOGA

JACK POUND

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CHEMTRAILS ON MY MIND
MORT J SPOONBENDER

On September 11th 1958, José Popacatapetl, a retired tree psychologist who's father was head gardener for the CIA during the cold war, was hitchiking through the Alberqueque desert when he was picked up by a black sedan driven by J Edgar Hoover's ex-boyfriend André Pfaff head of FBI underhand operations and extra-terrestrial banking who once worked as a quantum mechanic for the KGB under the direct orders of the zombie reincarnation of Josef Stalin whose mummified corpse was stored in a secret bunker in the basement of the Vatican.

Vote For Countryside Alliance

A party political Broadcast by The Hunt Cult.

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THE SENIOR MOMENTS

SEE THEIR LAST GREAT PERFORMANCE ON THE THE PERRY COMO SHOW 1959

POISON PEOPLE

By Guano Poundhammer

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Video from the album Domestic Bliss

SUPERCALIFUCKINGFRAGIFUCKINGLISTICEXPIALIFUCKINGDOCIOUS

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ATTENZIONE!

‘Watching Paint Die’ EP by Girl Bites Dog is out now and available wherever you rip off your music.

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Photo credit: Alice's Dad (circa 2000)

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