BACK ISSUES

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THE FARCE SHOW

Bird Guano’s

SAUSAGE LIFE

The column which comes with its own health warning:
CAUTION: BOTTOM OF BARREL MAY APPEAR FURTHER AWAY THAN IT ACTUALLY IS

MYSELF: I see His Orange Malevolence has already started tinkering with next year’s FIFA World Cup, due to be held in the USA with a little help from Mexico and Canada, two of Trump’s bitterest enemies.

READER: You’re just being deliberately controversial.

MYSELF:  That’s right. I'm trying to attract more angry letters from people with nothing better to do. I might also mention the fact that The Fat Owl of the Colonies has also been furiously lobbying the Olympics Committee to have pole dancing recognised as an Olympic sport in time for the 2028 games, by which time he will be firmly entrenched as the first permanent US President.

READER: Haha, Lol, smiley face, emoji of frozen chicken.

MYSELF: No, I'm serious. They’ve already greenlighted The 100 metres Inappropriate Touching and the Men’s Synchronised Sex Trafficking.

READER: I think you're having me on. For a start, the US administration would never endorse anything pervy.

MYSELF:  Don't count on it, my sources are impeccable. I have it on good authority that the Russians are already threatening a boycott on the grounds that they are OK with dancing, but they don't like Poles.

READER: Rubbish. This is all made-up fantastical nonsense. I mean what category would they put those games in anyway?
MYSELF: Track & Feel.

TOBACCANALIA

Hastings boffin professor Gordon Thinktank's latest idea is for a wide-brimmed shower hat for compulsive heavy smokers. Made from Himalayan neoprene and recycled pomegranate skins, it will prevent tobacco extinction whilst providing the smoker with a simulated semi-tropical environment. The hat will go on sale at £99.99. "I am hoping to catch the Christmas rush," said the inventor, "if all goes well the hats should be available at all major retailers before the end of November. There will be two models, the Foggy Fedora for men, and for the ladies, the Hot Fruit, a pineapple and banana based Carmen Miranda-style hat featuring a built-in MP3 player preloaded with the the theme songs from Down Argentine Way and Copacabana. If you don't have a shower the whole thing comes on an AI-assisted virtual reality app for the Meta Quest 3.

POETRY CORNER
A Mrs Hilda Farage of Clacton-on-Sea in Essex, has sent us this poem, allegedly written by her 11-year-old son Nigel:

STEREOTYPICALLY BRITISH

or Let's do Brexit Again Sometime

Welsh folk can sing,

black folk can dance

and all of the serious art is in France

But we here in Blighty

are tall strong and mighty

and never turn up

in the incorrect pants

The French

they have Paris

but call it Paree

So typical really

of Les Grenouilles

And on ancient Olympus

The Greeks, without shame

gave a spear to a nudist

and called it a game

The British however

are whip-smart and clever

We button our lips

and we never say never

Our discreet interventions

in foreign conventions

are always specific

but never direct.

Our order's maintained

by the natives we trained

and forever determined

by whom we have pecked

Yes we buggered them all

and as buggery goes,

this is buggery writ

in Shakespearean prose

As they all wait their turn

to catch fire, crash and burn

those are matters entirely

beyond our concern.

SAUSAGE LIFE INSOLUBLE CROSSWORD

First Prize £100,000 answers next week

ACROSS

1. Say no to Nature (5)
2. Don’t worry nobody saw you (6)
3. A sewer you can swim in (7)
4. Remember Maureen? (5)
5. A sweet-toothed Ant Eater’s revenge (4)
   12. You can’t have one oop (7)
6. Parsimonious generosity (3)
7. Too angular for a Scotsman (4)
8. Yes we do have some bananas actually (4)
9. It ain’t exactly rocket salad (3)
10. If you insist, two lumps (7)
11. Demented window cleaner misses bus (4)
12. Don’t hear, I can shout you! (5)
13. You can’t microwave a Pantomime Swan (7)
14. Satisfied, but still hungry (6)
15. Canasta scars (5)

DOWN

1. Eels? Just in the nick of time! (6)
2. Scunthorpe is on fire, but dont panic (5)
3. Constitutional trousers, no belt required (4)
4. Gorgonzola, or just puberty? (4-4)
5. Emission accomplished (7)
6. Hitler’s cats (6)
7. Whither he striped pajamas of Nostrodamus? (5)
8. Seagull-proof cigars (3-5)
9. Elis Presley’s 115^th sandwich (7)
10. Hopeless with fish (5)
11. Someone has dismantled his head (6)
12. Leg it with the caramels (6)
13. The statute of liberty(5)
14. Hat run over by a steamroller(4)

THE BIG FIGHT

The upcoming punch-up at The Royal Albert Hall between incumbent heavyweight champion "Battling" Kier Starman and challenger Kemi "Slugger” Bad-Enoch, has sent followers of the glove game into a spin. Bad-Enoch’s manager Bert Womble told us: "Tickets for this bout are hotter than Prince Andrew’s sweat glands. The fact that the champ is actually fighting a woman has provoked a lot of controversy, but make no mistake, The Slugger is not to be trifled with. Her right hook is like a lead wrecking ball caked in quick drying cement. Her footwork has been described as Fred Astaire meets Gene Kelly in Celebrity Strictly Come Dancing on steroids. She may like Taylor Swift and sleep in a pink bedroom full of fluffy toys, but once she's wedged her gumshield in, she's an animal."
Starman's manager Georgiou Falafel retorted; "Slugger has no chance. She should stick to embroidery and crochet. My boy is a monster. His hair alone weighs 2 kilos. His wit is so powerful he can light cigars with it. Sarcasm is his secret weapon. I've advised him to just keep pummeling her self-confidence. She will be reduced to a quivering wreck in the first round. My boy has been sparring with a Bornean Proboscis Monkey to improve his nose punching accuracy. He's also been pursuing a Zimmerman's Gazelle every morning on a pushbike, dressed as a lion. He'll stop at nothing. As far as the champ is concerned, once the gloves are on, the gloves are off."

Sausage Life!

Rarely-seen 2Os German Expressionist film about a strange spanner-worshipping cult

JESUS WANTS ME FOR A SUN READER aka PASS THE INSTANT YOGA

JACK POUND

Click terrifying image for video

CHEMTRAILS ON MY MIND
MORT J SPOONBENDER

On September 11th 1958, José Popacatapetl, a retired tree psychologist who's father was head gardener for the CIA during the cold war, was hitchiking through the Alberqueque desert when he was picked up by a black sedan driven by J Edgar Hoover's ex-boyfriend André Pfaff head of FBI underhand operations and extra-terrestrial banking who once worked as a quantum mechanic for the KGB under the direct orders of the zombie reincarnation of Josef Stalin whose mummified corpse was stored in a secret bunker in the basement of the Vatican.

POISON PEOPLE

By Guano Poundhammer

click image for video

Video from the album Domestic Bliss 

SUPERCALIFUCKINGFRAGIFUCKINGLISTICEXPIALIFUCKINGDOCIOUS

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