Bird Guano’s


The column which thinks that a rug's as good as a wig to a bald horse


READER: That statement above there is not only baldist, but horse-ist.

MYSELF: Yes, I'm trying to attract more angry letters from people with nothing better to do. I might also mention the fact that the International Pole-Sports Federation (IPSF) has been furiously lobbying the Olympics Committee to have pole dancing recognised as an Olympic sport in 2024.

READER: Haha, LOL, smiley face, emoji of frozen chicken.

MYSELF: No, I'm serious, I mean what's next? Lap dancing? Table dancing? Inappropriate touching?

READER: Come off it, I know when you're having me on. For a start, the French would never endorse anything pervy.

MYSELF: I have it on good authority that the Russians are already threatening to pull out of the Paris games on the grounds that they are OK with dancing, but they don't like the Poles.

READER: Nonsense. It'll never happen. What category would you put that in anyway?
MYSELF: Track & Feel I suppose.



Hair B&B is an affordable alternative to expensive hotels, especially formulated for bald people. On arrival you'll be welcomed by selected hosts who have qualified through our extensive vetting system, and you may rest assured there will be no baldy banter or head slapping. A fine selection of quality day-wigs can be fitted by our in-house experts at the exclusive Hair Today salon where your appointment will be relaxed and untroubled by snide remarks. Following your day of temporarily hirsute tourism or business meetings, enjoy a delicious gourmet dinner with a fine wine and when bed finally beckons, a soft comforting Hair B&B Night-Toupee will be waiting on your pillow like a faithful puppy.


Handsy (n) one of the original seven dwarves, who along with Gropy and Kneesy was dismissed by Disney in 1939 following complaints from Snow White, who claimed she was fondled whilst under the influence of a rohypnol-laced apple provided by an unidentified Hollywood producer known only as The Wicked Queen.



Hastings boffin professor Gordon Thinktank's latest idea is for a wide-brimmed shower hat for compulsive heavy smokers. Made from Himalayan neoprene and recycled pomegranate skins, it will prevent cigarette extinction whilst providing the smoker with a simulated semi-tropical environment. The hat will go on sale at £99.99. "I am hoping to catch the Christmas rush," said the inventor, "and the hat should be in the shops before the end of November. There will be two models, the classic Fedora for men, and for the ladies, a pineapple and banana based Carmen Miranda-style hat with a built-in MP3 player preloaded with the the theme songs from Down Argentine Way and Copacabana". If you don't have a shower the whole thing comes on an app for the iphone, ipad and and X-Box.



Everyone is talking about the upcoming fist-fest at The Royal Albert Hall between incumbent heavyweight champion Vladimir "Ras" Putini and challenger Liz "Hernia" Truss, which has sent followers of the glove game into a spin. Truss's manager Bert Womble told us: "Tickets for this bout are hotter than Chris Rock’s cheek. The fact that the champ is actually fighting a woman has provoked a lot of controversy, but make no mistake, The Hernia is not to be trifled with. Her right hook is like a wrecking ball caked in quick drying cement. She's faster than an MP interviewing an intern. Her footwork has been described as Fred Astaire meets Gene Kelly in a remake of Dirty Dancing on leg-steroids. She's as nice as pie in the kitchen but once she's wedged her gumshield in, she's an animal." Putini's manager Georgiou Falafel retorted; "She has no chance. She should stick to embroidery and crochet. My boy is a monster. His hair alone weighs 2 kilos. His wit is so powerful he can light cigars with it. Sarcasm is his secret weapon. I've advised him that if he just keeps pummeling her self-confidence she will be reduced to a quivering wreck in the first round. My boy has been sparring with a Bornean Proboscis Monkey to improve his nose punching accuracy. He's also been pursuing a Zimmerman's Gazelle every morning, dressed as a lion. He'll stop at nothing. As far as the champ is concerned, once the gloves are on, the gloves are off."



Now that chicken nipples are on the menu at some branches of KFC in Hong Kong, it can't be long before some of the hipper restaurants jump on the bandwagon. Upper Dicker's rare breed specialist eatery Guilty, whose menu already includes baby octopus tentacles in whale semen, dolphin beak tartare and orangutan tagine surprise, is, I gather, already sourcing some questionable items. Guilty's Manager Roland Guff was spotted at Glutton-E the annual foodie convention at Birmingham's Exhibition Centre, negotiating wholesale prices on Giant Panda navels, Tiger hemorrhoids and gluten-free wax from the ears of the Javan thick-thumbed bat.


Sausage Life!









Colin Gibson • Emmet Ives • Anita Makris
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When added to your weekly wash, new formula Botoxydol, with Botulinim Toxin A, will guarantee youthful, wrinkle-free clothes.

Take years off your smalls with Botoxydol!


"...Somewher between Viv Stanshall's Bonzo Dog Band, Penguin Café Orchestra and Frank Zappa"

- Alan Dearing, International Times

Vote For Countryside Alliance

by The Hunt Cult. Click for video


"Sometimes you just need a tool that doesn't do anything"



guano poundhammer

From the album Domestic Bliss

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