Bird Guano’s
SAUSAGE LIFE
The column which asserts that time is analogue whereas money is digital

READER: Bad news for artists.
MYSELF: Why so?
READER: I’m reliably informed that Wigan MP Lisa Nandy, the Secretary of State for Culture, Media and Sport has introduced a parliamentary bill which will ban seascapes, because of the shortage of blue paint caused by new EU export rules.
MYSELF: Where on earth did you hear that?
READER: It was on TikTok.
MYSELF: Ahhh……. the heartbeat of the nation. Was this recently?
READER: About two weeks ago I think….
MYSELF: Round about the beginning of April?
READER: Round about then yes, why?
MYSELF: Maman c’est le mot as the French resistance used to say.

Dear Wendy,
On your advice I tried telephone sex for the first time the other day, but my penis got stuck in the mouthpiece. The cheerful staff at A&E were very understanding and took lots of pictures on their mobiles “for the medical books” as the surgeon extracted it under a local anaesthetic. What am I doing wrong?
Max Poodlespanner, Godalming 

Dear Max,
You do not state which provider you are under contract to but my guess is Virgin Mobile, am I right? My advice would be to switch to a more experienced company such as Vulvaphone UK.

Dear Wendy,
I have heard there is a lot of bird flu about, can blokes get it?
Ron Chump, Dymchurch

Dear Ron,
Breathe easy dude! Bird flu can only be contracted by nursing Emperor Penguins and some species of Heron.
PS: That’s Heron, not Herring! 

FOOTBALL
Warriors’ cup final squad 
Caretaker player-manager and Hastings & St Leonards Warriors’ midfield enforcer Nobby Balaclava, has announced the squad for the final of the Poundsavers Cup at the prestigious Upper Dicker Landfill Stadium (seating capacity 325 including staff). The match – against longtime rivals Bexhill Pharmaceuticals – will take place on Tuesday May 6th. 
Balaclava has shocked fans and pundits alike with his controversial starting eleven. Popular players such as Welsh wizard Craig Cattermole, Dutch false number nine Ruud Van Smoot and pink-booted Bosnian midfield dynamo Glaxo Zog will be sharing the substitute’s bench with reserve goalkeeper Reg Pompadour who returns from a six game suspension for money laundering.
The starting lineup is: Hashtag, Buttlift, Highpress, Romcom, Chemtrail, Zeitgeist, Bitcoyne, Balaclava (capt), Bingowing, Smegma (gk). SUBS: Cattermole, Van Smoot, Zog, Smeaton, Cascara, Pompadour (res gk).
“Mark my words” Balaclava told us, “Winning this trophy will mean everything to loyal Warriors fans after our record-breaking 2024/25 season which will see the club relegated to the Hobson’s Denture Fixative League (south) yet again.” 

NEW CLASSIFIED SECTION
Readers’ small ads

UNITRICYCLE (with stabilisers) Suit beginner PO BOX 34

FLAME RETARDENT FISH  Ideal Japanese barbecue enthusiast.  
Name & address withheld by request. No time wasters.

GARAGE SALE Many useless items including tat, rubbish and tasteless objects. Mrs. Anthrax will be serving weak tea and scones made from iron filings in the refreshment shed. Come early to ensure disappointment!
St. Botolph’s Unorthodox Episcopalian Chapel, Wadhurst

CRUSHER KIT Crush voles, budgerigars, hamsters etc with the small device, or purchase both sizes and crush a whole range of animals. Now goats, sheep, even small horses can be easily crushed with little effort. Thanks to it’s revolutionary design, The Crusher™ fits easily into pocket or handbag. Small Crusher £10.99 Large Crusher £19.99 By both £35.99  PO BOX 427

COLLECTOR seeks Titanic-related items (except lifeboats). Best prices paid. Also anything Italian. PO BOX 377

STUPID BOY WANTED (Upper Dicker area) No experience necessary. Ideal time waster or layabout.
PO Box 19. 

BANISH UNSIGHTLY KNEES. Cream £2.99 surgical procedure £1755.99 + VAT. Cheque or PO to Kneegon, Box 99, Liverpool 8

CHILDREN’S PARTIES “Uncle Stanley” is due for release on 15th July. Booking now – Uncle Stanley Ward 9, Broadmoor

RAILWAY ENTHUSIASTS Come along to the Napoleon Bonaparte Community Centre, Beyondenden from June 30th where Ted Mallard will be exhibiting his Victorian sleeper collection. Illustrated catalogue available.

CONVENTION (GENEVA) Some pages missing hence £5
bnetenyahu666@knesset.com

TAXIDERMY We are currently offering the following dead animals:
Goeldi’s Marmosets (3 left), Axlotls (plenty in stock), Giant Galapagos Turtles (de-shelled not suitable for children), Zimmermann’s Gazelle with pursuing Jaguar (1 only- 24 hours notice required), please make cheque or PO to: Static Beasts, Hut 34, M’Bibwi Industrial Estate, Kenya

WALLPAPER Gorgeous Malmberg & Plano velvet finish anaglypta in Niagra grey with mahogony stripe and Mexican border, approx 15 rolls. Used once only. Cost new over £700.  Still on wall, hence £5. PO BOX 99 No time wasters

NOVELTY ITEMS all in stock: Wobbly Lady, Singing Teeth, Harmless Bacteria, Bottomless Watering Cans, Exploding Chewing Gum, 3-Legged Pants, X-ray penis, Cat Dandruff plus many many more. Terrific fun for all ages. Send SAE for free list + surprise joke parachute harness to: NOVELTAT Inc, Freefall, Nevada

TABLE Antique mahogony drop leaf dining table circa 1808 with inlaid maple top featuring Alexander at the fall of Carthage, seats 10. Carved lion’s foot legs and polished brass fastenings. Used to dismember victim of gruesome murder hence £5 ono. Lower Dicker 3538

NO TIME wasters please. Telephone 020772301212 (after 6pm)

TROUSERS Worsted trews, pinstripe Studebakers with sewn-in sandbags, gopher pants, luminous bellbottoms, flapdoodles, parachute slacks with absorbent seat, French ham trousers (100% ham), judge’s breeches with wig pocket, croquet knickers, saxophone overalls. All in stock or visit our website on www.kexellent.co.uk

BUDGERIGARS Blue or green. Cocks £5, hens £6.75. Also some Golden Eagles. PO BOX 455

FOR SALE Ornate antique ceramic washbasin c1880. Still has original water with bits of whisker and toothpaste spit. £375 ono. No time wasters Please. PO BOX 329

WORRIED? Have your goldfish tattooed with your name and address. Send details (with fish) to: SECURIFISH UK, PO BOX 77

BARGAIN Large box of Nein Nein Nein German super strength condoms. Used once only, but knots difficult to untie hence £5. PO BOX 999

FOR SALE Small replica 45 calibre pistol. Very realistic. Can be easily re-activated for athletics meetings, bank robberies, drive-by shootings etc. PO BOX 45

DICK SHAUNERY CORNER
Vasectomy (n) The removal of flowers from a room
Poppycock (n) the shrivelled penis of an opium addict
Sewage (n) the aftermath of too much needlework

Sausage Life!