Bird Guano
The column which believes that where there's a turd, there's a polisher


READER: The Olympics – I'm lovin' it

MYSELF:  I can tell by the amount of junk food you are ordering and the increasing strain on your trouser waistband. Wasn't that a Supersize bacon 'n cheese extra cheesy double MacDogwhistleburger that the man from UberEat just delivered?

READER: Yes, with extra hormones. There just isn't time to mess around preparing and cooking stuff when there are so many Olympic medals flying about. What about that gold in the pommel horse event? Who pommels horses better than Team UK?

MYSELF: Apparently, pommel horses are flying off the shelves at Sports Direct. All the kids want one.

READER: There you go. Horse Pommeling is the UK's fastest growing sport – would you prefer your kids to be pommeling horses or working as mules for some ruthless gang trafficking class-A drugs to minors?

MYSELF: Sorry, but as usual you're only getting half the picture. You really don't want to hear this, but pommel horses live short, brutal lives. Once they have ceased to make money for their owners, they are packed into trucks and transported to Eastern Europe where they are shot and sold off to be processed into dog food.

READER: I really didn't want to hear that.

MYSELF: I warned you.



Top Gear - The Movie (Carp Pictures)

Following the huge box office success of Waiting for Godot –The Musical, the fledgling production company now has a high-tech, big-budget flick in pre-production. Top Gear – The Movie boasts a roster of top stars with Hovis director Ridley Scott at the helm. Thanks to the latest deep fake techniques, the movie will feature stunning stop-motion special effects by the late Ray Harryhausen.

Former Top Gear presenter and school bully Hugh Jarce will be played by Scientologist ex-jockey Tom Cruise. Long, CGI-generated legs will be added during post-production. The dim, short one whose name no-one can remember will be played by a 3-D hologram of the late ex-Monkee, Davy Jones.

James May will play himself as a cameo of himself, as he has done for many years. Shooting starts in December at Pinewood.



Suck! Dyson with Death (Silibili Films)

Controversial cult film director Erik Von Pirate has an exciting new project in the pipeline. The protagonist of his latest low-budget epic is a cordless Dyson V11 vacuum which mutates and goes on the rampage after being used by a cleaner in a pregnancy testing laboratory.
SUCK! is about climate change and diversity, like most of my work,” said Von Pirate during a speech at Sunderland’s Last Chance Independent Film Festival, where a retrospective of his work is being shown, “although with some of my earlier films, such as Tits Out for the Lads! or Moby's Dick, I would respectfully leave it to the viewer to make up his, her or its own mind. Art, like truth, is subjective.”



So declared José Pypebahn, the feisty Spanish sausage millionaire and controversial new owner of Hastings & St Leonards’ Warriors FC, in a move he hopes will patch up his recent clash with angry supporters, disappointed by a string of 8-0 defeats. It is hoped that the purchase of pink-booted Albanian centre back Glaxo Zog from Herstmonceaux Cannibals FC, will shore up the Warriors goal-leaking defence. "Zog is no one-trick pony," said Pypebahn at a press conference. “He is not only able to operate as a roaming midfield dynamo whose blistering bursts of speed have been described as "brief", but he can also juggle with 3 balls and is learning to ride a unicycle. He can play on either wing, as long as it is not on the right, and his ruthless finishing has often been compared with Ronaldo’s, although unfavourably”. When questioned about Zog’s transfer fee, rumoured to be in excess of £1,000, the Catalanian chorizo magnate chose to remain tight-lipped.



Inspector Twollet
Season 46 Ep 112:
Holocaustic Soda

When an unidentified body is discovered in a down-at-heel transient motel, crushed between the jaws of a Corby trouser press, Stanley Twollet, unconventional detective inspector on the verge of retirement is assigned to the case, and must put his complicated domestic difficulties behind him in the search for clues. A chance meeting with a former fiancée recently released from a secure psychiatric institution triggers unpleasant memories which Twollet struggles to suppress in order to pursue the investigation to its violent, unexpected conclusion.
(dir: Zig Zaggersen)


Jaws XII 

Saturday 10pm ITV 8

A prize won by a small boy at a funfair is flushed down the lavatory by his strict Mormon parents who disapprove of goldfish. Cast adrift in a Victorian sewer system awash with toxic chemical waste, the terrified animal is constantly pursued by carnivorous newts and giant mutant alligators. Finally, the goldfish itself begins to change, developing enormous jaws full of sharp pointed teeth and deadly poisonous barbs. Due to a leaking sewer pipe, the mutated monster is pumped into a reservoir, where it begins to mate with the carp population. Local fisherman Ray Palooka smells a rat when the half-eaten corpses of local teenage windsurfers begin washing ashore.


For reasons of space I am able to publish only the
replies to reader's letters this week, not that it makes a great deal of difference


To Mrs Andrea Haiku of Babylon, Kent.

That is as it may be, but what a lot of people forget about is warm revenge. If you’re having a barbecue in November say, or if you've just been rescued after falling through thin ice on a frozen lake, a bowl of warm revenge, served perhaps with a glass of mulled Schadenfreude, can be just the ticket for restoring the equilibrium and bringing a warm glow to the cheeks.


To Brigadier Damien Gargoyle of Upper Dicker

No, I am afraid that is an old wives' tale. To put it simply, toads are like slinkies in reverse. When confronted by a flight of stairs, bufo-bufo will instinctively form itself into a ball, secrete anti-gravity mucus from it's parotoid gland, and roll upwards. In 1959, a Natterjack toad was placed on the first step of the Eiffel Tower, and reached the top in a record-breaking 21 days 7 hours and 10 minutes.


Sausage Life!









guano poundhammer

From the album Domestic Bliss

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"Sometimes you just need a tool that doesn't do anything"