Bird Guano

The column which doesn't have a statue of Lord Nelson on top


READER: Did you see it?

MYSELF: See what? The City-United game?

READER: Oh come now, you must know what I'm talking about.

MYSELF: Strictly? Bake-Off? What?

READER: Would you like me to give you a clue?

MYSELF: I suppose so.

READER: Oprah.

MYSELF: You'll have to narrow it down a bit. Which opera?

READER: Don't be disingenuous, I said Oprah, not opera.

MYSELF: That's what I thought you said. But which one?

READER: There is only one Oprah

MYSELF:  That's a matter of opinion. Was it The Marriage of Figaro?



The navel-gazing homogenisation of modern television was amply demonstrated last week  during the National Soap & Reality TV Awards 2021 co-hosted via Zoom by Ant (or was it Dec?) and Dec (or was it Ant?). For instance, Britain’s Dullest Police Chases was jointly nominated with Jamie Oliver’s broadly similar UK’s Top 100 Police Cheeses. Similarly, BBC’s Come Darn With Me jostled for honours with ITV’s hit show Weave Swap. For the fifth year running, rival soaps Shut It You Slag! and Asbo Square battled it out for top slot. The smart money was on Asbo with its issue-driven storyline featuring Chardonnay’s backstreet heart transplant, but Slag’s tear-jerking two-hander where Stacey cuts off Grant’s penis with a Stanley knife and feeds it to Dotty, his Bull Mastiff, finally triumphed in a photo-finish. On the comedy front, controversial reality stand-up Alec Froth took the honours with his one-man cutting edge satire Incest and Morris Dancing.


‘Terpsichore’, one of my stool-pigeons, has tipped me off that Heinz, of ‘57 varieties’ fame, plan another relaunch of Salad Cream, a relish first retailed in 1914 and made from a recipe which originally included mustard gas, opium and gunpowder. Consumption plummetted after the company changed the brand to Sandwich Cream. The original decision to rebrand the corporate gloop was made after focus groups discovered that only 14% of those who bought the stuff actually poured it on salad. The remaining 86% said they employed it in other, ways, such as lubricating the axles of wheelbarrows, or as a cure for thrush. Their response was to ask customers to vote for a new name and in a close-fought contest, DreamyCream narrowly beat CreamyDream as the fake mayonnaise's new moniker which itself only just pipped Creamy McCreamface.



Parsnips (n) where your dad gets his hair cut

Storking (adv)  like buttering, but with margarine.



Would Mrs. Enid Wrath kindly send her address to this column, as she has won first prize (one year’s supply of budgerigar shampoo) in our competition to write a poem describing ex-Brexit negotiator Mr. Michael Gove. We reproduce it here:

Like a litter’s unpopular runt,

Or a car in a multiple shunt

Were the view from the rear

Not enough of a scare,

It’s decidedly worse from the front.





Millionaire Rupert Lamborghini, the new owner of Hasting's & St Leonards Warriors' FC and controversial CEO of TopTat, the disposable clothing chain, has wasted no time in establishing his authority by hitting out at local press criticism of the club's haphazard playing style. Dubbed hormonal marking, it has been blamed for a calamitous string of 8-0 defeats.

Mr Lamborghini agreed speak to to me at the Warriors' training ground in Upper Dicker., where I noticed that none of the players appeared to have turned up even though it was starting to get quite dark. He got straight to the point:

"I may not know much about soccer, but it stings me to the quick when these so-called pundits complain that The Warriors don't press enough. I say tell that to Mrs Armstrong, the lady who irons the team strips before every game. Thanks to her, the razor-sharp creases in the lads' shorts are the stuff of soccer legend. When Herstmonceaux Cannibals knocked The Warriors out of the SpuduLike Trophy by the narrow margin of 8-0 last week, they turned up in shorts which were, frankly, a crumpled disgrace. Will you read about that in the sports pages? No."

Asked about how he planned to revive the club's fortunes, he showed me architect's drawings of the giant catwalk down which the team will make their entry accompanied by Ride of the Valkyries. "Wagner, there's a bloke who knew how to write a football song," he said with a tear in his eye, before introducing me to new signing Urbano Tafano, on loan from FC Atletico Cazzate, who appeared gazing into a hand mirror and wearing headphones.

"Urbano is exactly the type of player this club needs, a dazzling, cocksure performer who knows exactly where to put his balls. His virtuoso dribbling alone would put Matt Hancock to shame."

"Look at him, he's an enigma," continued the fashion guru as Garibaldi was escorted to an idling helicopter by team physio Lulu LaVern, "not only does he look good in any style of clothing, but he can say we stuck to the game plan in five different languages - three of them dead."

As the player and his entourage were whisked skywards the manager shouted to me over the noise of the whirring blades: "Mark my words, thanks to my connections in the garment industry Hasting's & St Leonards Warriors FC are about to become the sartorial dandies of the Nuclear Waste Disposal Solutions League (south), at least until we get relegated."





Lloyd-Webber ordered to use real cats.





Sausage Life!



guano poundhammer

From the album Domestic Bliss

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