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FRATMAN RETURNS
Bird Guano's
SAUSAGE LIFE
The column which travels at the speed of time
MYSELF: I'm totes FUTTBT with people using all these daft acronyms all the time.
READER: FUTTBT?
MYSELF: Fed up to the back teeth. I mean FFS, they are just not necessary
READER: Unnecessary? Nonsense! NATO? UNESCO? ACAS? These organisations are the very essence of modern society without which we would be reduced to the status of uncivilised bogtrotters.
MYSELF: I see. In that case, I propose that we form a breakaway organisation called KUMQUAT. We can decide what it means later.
READER: LOL, LMAO, etc.
THINGS TO DO THIS CHRISTMAS
Here is an example to start you off:
Q: What does an octopus have on its underpants?
A: Squidmarks.
POSTBAGGAGE
Dear sir or madam, or inflatable doll, or whatever,
my husband Donald suffers from chronic wind, which quite frankly is ruining our social life. During a recent foursome of bridge, I was mortified with embarrassment by the chorus of parps issuing from the rear of Donald's trouser area, which at times resembled a brass band attending a pet shop fire. He is a very fussy eater who will only consume Heinz baked beans directly from the tin, making eating out very difficult. Should I attempt to change his diet? Or could something else be the culprit vis a vis the flatulence problem?
Coco de Moule (Mrs), Upper Dicker
Dear Mrs de Moule,
Although I sympathise entirely with your problem, I am afraid at this stage, a diet change may be too dangerous to attempt. It should be pointed out that the cause of your partner's petomania is most likely phenohybrilogeniheliophyll, a byproduct of the linoleum manufacturing process which is used by Heinz to prevent their flatulent, sugary legumes from tasting like goat faeces. My advice is to install an extractor fan in the rear of Donald's trousers, with an outlet situated at the farthest end of the garden.
MEDIA NEWS
Facebook, TikTok and X (formerly Y?) have jointly announced that for the duration of Christmas, the use of several words and phrases including peeps and blessed are to be barred from online posts, after reports that drains are backing up due to excessive vomiting. A comprehensive list of all proscribed sentimental horseshit will be published shortly. In another shock statement issued by Hastings' Chief Constable Hydra Gorgon, it was revealed that chemtrails, once thought to be a government plot to control our minds, are nothing of the sort and are, in fact, the accumulation of vapour clouds exhaled by vaping children.
SURREAL ESTATE
Delightful semi-detached period cottage in much sought after location close to local amenities. 7,000 bedrooms (3,862 en suite), plus bijou box room too small even for small boxes. Master bedroom with fitted walk-in Narnia wardrobe, time machine and steam operated champagne cooler. 150-acre kitchenette with built-in appliances including hovering microwave nutmeg grinder, fitted giraffe hook and motorcycle racing monkeys. Olympic size indoor ski slope with artificial carp lake, golf umbrella repair shop and circus facilities. Enormous rear garden with 200ft beanstalk and mature giant.
Would suit professional footballer or bus conductress. Offers in the region of £800b invited.
Sausage Life!
CLICK IMAGE TO WATCH THE VIDEO "CREEPY DUDES" ON YOUTUBE
EPISODE 1:
Travel & transportation
EPISODE 2:
Body Parts
EPISODE 3:
Telephones
EPISODE 4:
Economics
EPISODE 5:
Misheard Lyrics
Click image to connect. Alice's Crazy Moon is an offbeat monthly podcast hosted by Alice Platt (BBC, Soho Radio) with the help of roaming reporter Bird Guano a.k.a Colin Gibson (Comic Strip Presents, Sausage Life). Each episode centres around a different topic chosen by YOU the listener! The show is eclectic mix of music, facts about the artists and songs, surrealistic sponsors, Bird Guano's phone-in and of course, Poetry Corner featuring everyones favourite poet, Big Pillow!
NB: IF YOU DO NOT HAVE A PAID SUBSCRIPTION TO SPOTIFY, THE SONGS WILL BE OF RESTRICTED LENGTH
The Tree Huggers - Colin Gibson • Emmet Ives • Anita Makris
click for video
Classic 2Os German Expressionist film about a strange spanner-worshipping cult
JACK POUND: JESUS WANTS ME FOR A SUN READER aka PASS THE INSTANT YOGA
SAY GOODBYE TO IRONING MISERY!
When added to your weekly wash, new formula Botoxydol, with Botulinim Toxin A, will guarantee youthful, wrinkle-free clothes.
Take years off your smalls with Botoxydol!
CAUTION
MAY CAUSE SMILEY FACE T-SHIRTS TO LOOK INSINCERE
CLICK IMAGE FOR VIDEO
"...Somewher between Viv Stanshall's Bonzo Dog Band, Penguin Café Orchestra and Frank Zappa"
- Alan Dearing, International Times
OUT NOW
Vote For Countryside Alliance
by The Hunt Cult. Click for video
THE SENIOR MOMENTS ON THE PERRY COMO SHOW 1959
Click image for
PEOPLE WHO ARE DEAD AND DON'T KNOW THAT THEY ARE
SUPERCALIFUCKINGFRAGIFUCKINGLISTICEXPIALIFUCKINGDOCIOUS
CLICK FOR FULL VIDEO