Bird Guano’s


The column which is less than the sum of its parts


READER: Why are you so down on Nadene Doris, the minister for abolishing culture? I mean fair play, she’s an ignorant bigoted Nazi with a penchent for fat blokes who went to Eton but surely a girl’s got to to do what a girl’s got to do.


MYSELF: Strange, she doesn't actually look like an ignorant, bigoted Nazi. Well not much… although maybe quite a lot come to think of it. I mean when the light hits her in a certain way, do I detect the merest hint of Hitler's famous je ne sais quoi, combined with that inscrutably sexy Goebbels pout? Anyway, she’s in favour of privatising carbon-free renewable energy, and in the long run, that’s all that counts in these chastened times


READER: Perhaps, but tell me this; what happens when the carbon-free renewable energy supplier goes out of business?


MYSELF: Simple, we use our common sense and switch to another carbon-free renewable energy supplier. Duh!


READER: Of course, how stupid of me. The Conservative Party will always pull us through a recession, or my name's not Vaselino Rabinowicz III.


MYSELF: I have had that information tattood on my forehead. Backwards of course, I'm not stupid


By Louise Dodgeson


All Mimsy were the Boris, Gove,

Nigel, Jacob Slithy-Tove,
their Ja war nein
their groß war kleine

their je ne sais pas underlined

Their no’s are yes’s
feeble guesses

beamish boys with dyed blond tresses.

Four Brexiteers,
two gins, two beers,

pigs in dresses, Eton messes,

wallowing in their worst excesses.



Self-taught expert. All subjects covered, non excepted.


Dear Dr Guano,

My peripheral vision is virtually non existent during the day due to a bad childhood experience with a ventriloquist. Because of this, I unwittingly purchased volume XIII of How the Otto Cycle contributed to the development of ride-on lawnmowers in Western Europe 1929-1937 (Winker Wanker & Wenger £31.99), when what I actually wanted was Russell Brand’s new self-help book 1,000 Things to Put on Facebook When You Haven't Got Anything to Say But you Just Can't Stop Yourself (Babcock & Pillock £14.95). Should I return the book and ask for an exchange? Or swap it for that digital burglar alarm with the bloke on Ebay who says he's a big fan of the history of ride-on lawnmowers?

Lamaar Tabernacle


Dear Lamaar,

There are certain things worth bearing in mind when acquiring a pre-loved digital burglar alarm. For instance, will it work underwater or when your pets are in season? This man could be a scam book dealer posing as a burglar alarm reseller. Times have changed. When I was a lad you could buy New York for a handful of shiny coloured beads. Avoid commitment until you receive some answers.
Dr Guano

The Chambers

Port Gulag



Speaking of alarms, what the flying squad is going on with police sirens? I nearly had a cardiac arrest the other day when one of the latest batch of sociopathic paddy wagons screamed past me, blasting out what sounded like the shower scene from Psycho. Luckily I managed to jump back into my skin quickly enough to avoid any lasting damage. Who is the super alarm salesman who has this strange power over the police? 


Once upon a time the emergency services only relied on bells to warn you to get out of the way, and they were hyper efficient. You knew where you were with a bell. There was nothing that could possibly be hurtling towards you at speed ringing a bell, except a police car, an ambulance, a fire engine, or if you live where I live, an unhinged morris dancer on crystal meth.
So how have things progressed since the passing of the bell? Are we much safer now? No. The thing is, these days they not only want you to get out of the way, they want you to defecate as well. so they came up with the Da-da. A panel of experts concluded that the Da-da wasn't scary enough, or loud enough, or stress inducing enough, so they replaced it with the woowah. The woowah was a great favourite with rookie policemen who would employ it to disperse traffic in order to get home in time for their tea at the end of a shift. This practice was frowned upon by chief constables and hastily replaced by the ear-splitting weeweewee, which was so obnoxiously shrill it could actually fry an egg or down a small helicopter.

Someone, somewhere thinks that the psychosis-inducing Oyoyoyoyoyoyoyoy - the skinhead of emergency vehicle sirens - is more tolerable than the weeweewee

I put the blame squarely on Elon Musk, American TV and deaf policemen. 



Everyone is talking about season 1 of Are You Being Serfed? the Netflix costume drama set in a department store during the middle ages. The $25million dollar production stars national treasure Roxanne Druncan as the pussy-loving vassal Mrs Hokum, and Nathan Umbrage as Mr Handsfree the rebellious woollen tunic salesman with his camp catch phrase shoot that lord!


READER: Nathan Umbrage? Is he still alive? I knew his uncle, Bill "Hoff" Hoffman, who was Joe E Brown's body double and worked as a stunt man for Columbia Pictures in the forties, before marrying Emily Wildebeeste who played Clarissa in Fifty Shades of Grey starring Sabu the elephant boy as the Sado Masochist Sinbad and Stewart Grainger as Mercury, the fleet-footed messenger with winged trainers and a heart of gold.

MYSELF: Fifty Shades Of Grey? Isn’t that what dogs see when they are trying to choose paint from a Farrow & Ball catalogue?





Sausage Life!


Colin Gibson • Emmet Ives • Anita Makris
click for video


When added to your weekly wash, new formula Botoxydol, with Botulinim Toxin A, will guarantee youthful, wrinkle-free clothes.

Take years off your smalls with Botoxydol!


"...Somewher between Viv Stanshall's Bonzo Dog Band, Penguin Café Orchestra and Frank Zappa"

- Alan Dearing, International Times

Vote For Countryside Alliance

by The Hunt Cult. Click for video


"Sometimes you just need a tool that doesn't do anything"



guano poundhammer

From the album Domestic Bliss

click images for video