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Bird Guano's

SAUSAGE LIFE

The column which thinks that facts are merely irritating obstacles blocking the road to truth

MYSELF: I’m trying to find out who the world’s most punchable people are. That is to say, those who’s ubiquitous inventions are of neither use nor ornament, and which cause nothing but distress, depression, anxiety, and a feeling of unquenchable violence. People who invent words like upskilling for instance.

READER: I’m not a great fan of the word upskilling myself, but what’s wrong with inventing words? Surely all words are invented anyway?

MYSELF: So true, so true. Faith and begorrah indeed, so they are, and no mistake.

READER: There you are. Begorrah. What sort of a word is that?

MYSELF: It is a splendid Irish example of what is known as a minced oath, derived from By God. You can see their point; it is just a way of disguising your own profanity, or blasphemy.

READER: Blimey!

MYSELF: Cor Blimey – there’s another one, originally God Blind Me. Then there is the phrase Suffering Succotash, which is…….

READER (smugly): Now then, I know this one. Suffering Succotash is a phrase often employed as an expression of frustration by Tweety Pie’s nemesis, Sylvester the Cat from Warner Bros' Looney Tunes. I think you’ll find that it should be more correctly pronounced Thufferin’ Thuccotash.

MYSELF: Fathinating, but we are straying from my original point. After an extensive survey of over nine people, I have concluded that the world’s most punchable person is the man or woman who inflicted upon us that hellish abomination, plastic banknotes. This maniac singlehandedly took away the entire concept of paper folding money which sits snugly in your trousers pocket and replaced it with coiled springs which leap out and get blown away the minute you start looking for your keys.

READER: Strewth you’re bloomin’ right. I’d kick that son of a biscuit on the feckin’ harris and to heck with the consequences.

MYSELF: Egad, I think you’re getting the hang of it.

THE SAUSAGE LIFE GUEST PHONE-IN
This week featuring Rick ‘Fats’ Ferrari - the man who isn’t afraid to say whatever they tell him to

RICK: So now we’ve got driverless buses and something called cyber trucks… Whatever next folks? Letterless postmen?
First on the line is minicab driver Seymour Dunne from High Dudgeon in Kent, who thinks potholes are caused by homosexual immigrants who drink baby’s blood good morning.

SEYMOUR: Good morning Rick, first time caller, great show…I’m totally with you on driverless buses mate. Total menace, what are they thinking? I honked at a driverless bus for about ten minutes the other day after it wouldn’t move out of a bus lane to let me terrorise a cyclist. Drove my passengers mad.

RICK: I couldn't agree more Sir. This sort of thing makes my blood boil, where on earth are the army when you need them?

SEYMOUR: Exactly. Another thing, as I said to your researcher, what’s wrong with putting illegals in barges? The wife and I had marvellous time sailing a barge up and down the Norfolk broads last year. The kiddies loved it. Mind you they was sick as dogs all week after taking some heroin they got off a gypsy.

RICK: Oh dear me.

SEYMOUR: If it was up to me Rick, I’d string the drug dealers up. When I was a nipper the only skunk you came across was Pepé le Peu the French cartoon character.

RICK: A lot of our listeners will agree with you on that one Seymour. I'm old enough to remember wholesome characters like Pepé, from the days when children could be left alone with the television set while you went to the pub. Which reminds me, whatever happened to good old fashioned white dog poo?

SEYMOUR: China.

RICK: China?

SEYMOUR: It all goes to China and gets made into cheap toys which can put your eye out or give you Covid.

RICK: Stone me! Another example of woke political correctness gone mad thanks for your contribution Seymour! Next on the line is Medved Oligarky from Upper Dicker in East Sussex who runs Bitwash a self-service money laundrette which gives fifty percent of its profits to research into narcissistic fibrosis. Medved thinks that Uri Geller murdered Diana and Queen Elizabeth by telepathy so that the future King Charles would give him a job as Royal Court Spoonbender by Appointment good morning.

Woke G5 masts controlled by the BBC have interrupted this broadcast. Normal service will be resumed as soon as the installation of superfast fibre broadband cables is concluded.

SOCCER NEWS: WARRIORS TO APPOINT VIRTUAL MANAGER

During a press conference to announce the construction of a 10,000 capacity stadium, based on Egypt’s Great Pyramid of Giza, Hastings & St Leonards Warriors’ billionaire Irish owner Finnigan Swake shocked the soccer cognoscenti by declaring that instead of seeking a new manager to replace Sergio “The Horse” Peccadillo, currently in custody awaiting sentencing, they intend to use Artificial Intelligence to generate a brand new club supremo.

“Composed of the most successful parts of previous coaches,” he explained to assembled journalists, “the new virtual boss will be harvested from the TikTok data of former Warriors’ managers such as Spanish sausage magnate José Pypeban, and current AFC Cosa Nostra Supremo Giovanni ‘The Goalfather’ Fuctivano which will then be digitally reassembled in Taiwan by environmentally sustainable orphans”. He refused to comment on rumours that an A1 false number nine based on a combination of pink-booted Bosnian striker Glaxo Zog and midfield enforcer Craig Cattermole, was also in the pipeline.

There were gasps as Swake unveiled an architect’s scale model of the new stadium which took up most of a huge table covered in sand. “From the 2034/35 season," he announced, "The Warriors will play their home games here in beautiful Memphis Park, a tribute to those two great Kings, Tut-en-Khamun and Elvis Presley. This will herald a new dawn for the club as we catapult ourselves into the 20^th century.”
The huge 300-acre construction will be visible from space, and will feature a state-of-the-art members only pie stall concealed in a secret chamber at the end of a hidden corridor.

BLANDFEST BILL FINALISED

The annual one-day celebration of mediocrity from around the world comes to various venues in East Sussex this weekend. Here are just a few of the attractions planned for Blandfest 2025.

At Upper Dicker’s favourite lap-dancing centre The Humpty Dumpty Rooms, Scandinavian psychics Lars Ongar & Rita Brevis will be signing copies of their latest book, Don’t Tell Me, I Already Know, as well as giving hot and cold readings, tea leaf-based traffic updates and horseracing tips.
Disgraced TV petrolhead turned film director Hugh Jarse will chair a discussion on the art of the screenplay at Hastings adult nightspot The Cat’s Pyjama, followed by an invitation-only preview of Holocaustic Soda, Jarce’s low budget disaster movie based on an episode of his axed BBC show Top Gear.
Crime writer Broccoli Rice-Hearse will appear at the Cock Marlin branch of Sex Toys R Us, where she will host a Q&A session after reading excerpts from her latest Inspector Twollet whodunnit Ominous Triangles, in which a Scientologist out on a stag night is found dead in a Travelodge, his head crushed between the jaws of a Corbyn Trouser Press.

Sausage Life!

Against all odds, a poor Irish immigrant family rise to the top in 19th century America

Rarely-seen 2Os German Expressionist film about a strange spanner-worshipping cult

JESUS WANTS ME FOR A SUN READER aka PASS THE INSTANT YOGA

JACK POUND

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CHEMTRAILS ON MY MIND
MORT J SPOONBENDER

On September 11th 1958, José Popacatapetl, a retired tree psychologist who's father was head gardener for the CIA during the cold war, was hitchiking through the Alberqueque desert when he was picked up by a black sedan driven by J Edgar Hoover's ex-boyfriend André Pfaff head of FBI underhand operations and extra-terrestrial banking who once worked as a quantum mechanic for the KGB under the direct orders of the zombie reincarnation of Josef Stalin whose mummified corpse was stored in a secret bunker in the basement of the Vatican.

Vote For Countryside Alliance

A party political Broadcast by The Hunt Cult.

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THE SENIOR MOMENTS

SEE THEIR LAST GREAT PERFORMANCE ON THE THE PERRY COMO SHOW 1959

POISON PEOPLE

By Guano Poundhammer

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Video from the album Domestic Bliss

SUPERCALIFUCKINGFRAGIFUCKINGLISTICEXPIALIFUCKINGDOCIOUS

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PODCASTS: ALICE'S CRAZY MOON

EPISODE1:
Travel & transportation

EPISODE2:
Body Parts

EPISODE 3:
Telephones

EPISODE 4:
Economics

EPISODE 5:
Misheard Lyrics

EPISODE 6:
MILK

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Alice's Crazy Moon is an offbeat monthly podcast hosted by Alice Platt (BBC, Soho Radio) with the help of roaming reporter Bird Guano a.k.a Colin Gibson (Comic Strip Presents, Sausage Life). Each episode centres around a different topic chosen by YOU the listener! The show is eclectic mix of music, facts about the artists and songs, surrealistic sponsors, Bird Guano's phone-in and of course, Poetry Corner featuring everyones favourite poet, Big Pillow!

NB: IF YOU DO NOT HAVE A PAID SUBSCRIPTION TO SPOTIFY, THE SONGS WILL BE OF RESTRICTED LENGTH

ATTENZIONE!

‘Watching Paint Die’ EP by Girl Bites Dog is out now and available wherever you rip off your music.

Made entirely without the assistance of AI, each listen is guaranteed to eliminate hair loss, cure gluten intolerance and stop your cat from pissing in next door's garden.

Photo credit: Alice's Dad (circa 2000)

https://open.spotify.com/album/2fHlSX6Dm7hEm9TUYkGUAN...