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Bird Guano's

SAUSAGE LIFE 

The column which leaps before it looks

MYSELF: Did you see my picture?

READER: Ah….The Village People! I see they are reforming after being invited to perform at Trump’s inauguration.

MYSELF: Well no one can accuse him of lacking taste

READER: Exactly…. wait a minute, were you being sarcastic?

MYSELF: Ironic perhaps but sarcastic? Never!

READER: YMCA, Trump’s favourite song, was an LBGQ anthem before there was even any LBGQ, never mind LBGQ2 + may contain nuts keep away from naked flames

MYSELF: Indeed it was, but unfortunately most of the original members are either dead or on some sort of witness protection scheme, in fact there’s only one left.

READER: Let me guess, the window cleaner?

MYSELF: No

READER: The security guard?

MYSELF: Are we talking about the same band here?

READER: It seems so long ago now…….the ballet dancer?

MYSELF: Let me put you out of your misery, it’s the Native American Chief.

READER: The red injun! He was my favourite

MYSELF: I don’t think you can say that now but anyway he’s too frail to appear, so they hired the horned schizophrenic shaman from the the Washington insurrection of January 2021, who has now been pardoned by Trump and given a job with the Food and Drug Administration.

READER: At last! The heady stench of common sense is palpable

POP POOPS

With the longest title in pop history, Britain’s official entry for this year’s Eurovision Song Contest will be by reformed deaf metal band Fur Cough, featuring original lead guitarist and sole remaining member Tit Bingo. The throbbing, massively loud anthem, Oooh Baby Won’t You be My Dummy Dummy Dummy Dummy Dummy Diddy Wah Diddy was described by Rolling Stone as “Dizzyingly pointless” and “A triumph of no style over no substance”.  It defied all odds by beating Uber-Pop gender neutral trans-darkcore band Massive Haddock’s I Can’t Stand Up For Sitting Down without any radio plays at all.
Fur Cough’s independent record label Smitboo has announced that minus deductions for lunch, travel, spangled pyjamas, corporate entertaininment and class A drugs, all proceeds resulting from Eurovision and downloads of the single will go to their favourite charity Guard Dogs For The Rich.

SOCCER SCANDAL
Executives on the board of the Hobson’s Denture Fixative League (South) found themselves mired in controversy today as a result of the criminal prosecutions brought against Hastings & St Leonards Warriors FC which were announced by East Sussex Chief Constable Hydra Gorgon. This bombshell comes only a week after the club was purchased by the Steenkin’ Badgers, a syndicate of billionaire Mexican drug cartels, much to the delight of Warrior fans.
Serious allegations of fraud, corruption and bribery involving "several pounds" sent seismic waves through Sussex football's ruling body, LOUFA.
In a dawn raid, detectives from the the top-secret nationwide money-laundering investigation (code-named Operation Money Laundry) arrested Sergio "The Horse" Peccadillo, the club’s controversial Italian manager, on suspicion of being the capo di capo of the alleged financial flim-flammery.
Released on £45.50 bail, the flamboyant Italian dismissed his interpreters on the court steps and to the delight of waiting Warriors' fans, issued this firm denial, in perfect English, without notes:

Good morning. Please be kind enough to direct me to the museum, which I am told houses a comprehensive Egyptian Mummy exhibit, as I have an out-of-date map.

Pressed by our reporter on whether any of the personal accusations of serious financial impropriety had any basis in truth, he declared confidently: 

I have a note from my physician. May I be seated near the toilet facilities?

NEW DATING SERIES TO DEBUT ON CHANNEL 5
Sausage Life gets an exclusive peek at the trailer for Endimol’s latest reality show Nazi Blind Date hosted by Kemi ‘Bad Enoch’ Badenoch

MUSIC: Overture from Wagner's Ride of The Valkeries.

KEMI (in tight-fitting leather jumpsuit): Guten Abend meine arianischen Freunde, and welcome to Nazi Blind Date! Let’s meet our first contestant, what’s your name darling?

CONTESTENT: I’m Eva.

KEMI: That’s a lovely name. And what do you do Eva?

CONTESTENT: I’m a housewife.

KEMI: And who is your first question for Eva?

CONTESTENT: Bachelor Hitler number one please... not you Kemi, ha ha!

AUDIENCE: Gales of helpless laughter followed by applause.

KEMI:  (glaring): Very amusing Eva! We know where you live. Bachelor Hitler number one here’s your question from Eva.

CONTESTENT: Bachelor Hitler number one, if on our first date you took me on a romantic trip to Europe, would you attempt an invasion...?

If you want to find out which Bachelor Hitler ended up annexing Eva’s sovereign territory, tune in to Nazi Blind Date 9-45pm Channel Five Thursdays.

QUELLE FROMAGE
Professor Thinktank has challenged universally accepted cheese theory. His shock paper, New Theories In Cheese, has turned the world of cheese on its head. Until now, it was thought that the holes in Swiss cheese were caused by tiny mice. Thanks to the professor's exhaustive research, it has been conclusively proved that tiny mice are not responsible for the holes, which are in fact caused by microscopic lizard men with huge burrowing claws.

MYSELF: Speaking of ridiculous claims, my spies tell me that Lizard-Men are operating in Upper Dicker selling deadly chemtrails to kids coming out of school. These shape-shifting amphibians, many of them minor royals, are reportedly charging up to £25 for a single chemtrail-filled balloon! Some of those kids are hopelessly hooked and have resorted to shoplifting in order to support their chemtrail addiction.

READER: Lizard men? Where?

MYSELF:  At The Alastair Crowley Garden Centre, by the indoor plants, bold as brass.

READER: Disgusting. Hanging baskets are too good for them. Any of those lizard men approach my kids, I'll swing for it.

Sausage Life!

Rarely-seen 2Os German Expressionist film about a strange spanner-worshipping cult

JESUS WANTS ME FOR A SUN READER aka PASS THE INSTANT YOGA

JACK POUND

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CHEMTRAILS ON MY MIND
MORT J SPOONBENDER

On September 11th 1958, José Popacatapetl, a retired tree psychologist who's father was head gardener for the CIA during the cold war, was hitchiking through the Alberqueque desert when he was picked up by a black sedan driven by J Edgar Hoover's ex-boyfriend André Pfaff head of FBI underhand operations and extra-terrestrial banking who once worked as a quantum mechanic for the KGB under the direct orders of the zombie reincarnation of Josef Stalin whose mummified corpse was stored in a secret bunker in the basement of the Vatican.

POISON PEOPLE

By Guano Poundhammer

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Video from the album Domestic Bliss 

SUPERCALIFUCKINGFRAGIFUCKINGLISTICEXPIALIFUCKINGDOCIOUS

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PODCASTS: ALICE'S CRAZY MOON

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Alice's Crazy Moon is an offbeat monthly podcast hosted by Alice Platt (BBC, Soho Radio) with the help of roaming reporter Bird Guano a.k.a Colin Gibson (Comic Strip Presents, Sausage Life). Each episode centres around a different topic chosen by YOU the listener! The show is eclectic mix of music, facts about the artists and songs, surrealistic sponsors, Bird Guano's phone-in and of course, Poetry Corner featuring everyones favourite poet, Big Pillow!

NB: IF YOU DO NOT HAVE A PAID SUBSCRIPTION TO SPOTIFY, THE SONGS WILL BE OF RESTRICTED LENGTH

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GUANO POUNDHAMMER

DOMESTIC BLISS NOW ON SPOTIFY AND ALL STREAMING PLATFORMS