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SAUSAGE LIFE

The column that thinks narcissism is only modesty with mirrors

READER: I don’t know why you bother with all this when you could just press a button and get AI to do it.

MYSELF: How do you think I generated you?

READER: Very funny, but watch out, because artificial intelligence is the whey forward.

MYSELF: You really think so? Perhaps you should read this week’s Upper Dicker Examiner.

Google’s AI spokesbot Arnold, has angered locals by describing the massive radiation leak at the private nuclear reactor recently set up on the south coast for data-harvesting as “Nothing to worry either of your silly little heads about.” One local shopkeeper Beatrice Rasputin commented; "That's all very well, but sightings of monkey-faced alligators near the concrete pressure vessel outlets, coupled with unconfirmed reports of an owl offering free saxophone lessons in Derek Jarman's garden have done nothing for my passing trade."

DICTIONARY CORNER:
Ratchet (n) the faeces of a rat.

ARTS KICKING

Tracy Eminem, the Margate Scrawler is set to make yet another fortune. She is about to market a T-shirt bearing the hand-written slogan VWLS SCK.The item, made from recycled Egyptian mummy linen and signed by her personal assistant, retails at £750 in a limited edition of 10,000 and is available in large, medium and non binary, while stocks last.

In contrast, DIY,the current exhibition at the Upper Dicker Pink Triangle Gallery by outspoken conceptual artist Bandy Sponk consisting of various power tools suspended in his own urine, failed to attract anyone at all. "If you read my manifesto, that was precisely my plan" said the controversial installation artist, "Success is a corporate delusion which, as an artist, it is my duty to avoid at all costs."

Sponk has vowed to work in future "only in the medium of preserved fruit," after complaining that the public is "too thick to understand my work." Riot police were called out to MegaWhat?, the latest installation at The Gerbil Gallery by the self-styled Guru of Grot, where Chief of Police Hydra Gorgon described the scene as "drink-fuelled and out of control." The show, which features a life-size Lego construction entitled Christ At The Last Supper Suggestively Eating a Sausage, provoked angry scenes when inebriated members of the Allied Pantomime Horse Operator’s Union of Silverhill clashed with rival organisation the Upper Dicker branch of The Associated Society of Pantomime Horse Operatives, shortly after disembarking from separate coaches.

FILMS ON TV

ITV2 7-30: My Big Fat Greek Milkman 2 (118min):
Turgid sequel in which Alexandra (Gwyneth Paltrow) is both shocked and delighted when Spyros (Claude Van Damme) delivers news of a grisly double murder at the dairy, along with two pints of full cream Jersey milk and a low-fat blueberry yoghurt. (dir: Hugh Jarce)

CHANNEL 5: 2am: SUCK! Dyson with Death (Silibilli Films)
Cult film director Erik Vondervonder has an exciting new project in the pipeline. The protagonist of his latest low-budget epic is a cordless Dyson V11 vacuum which mutates and goes on the rampage after being abused by a cleaner in a pregnancy testing laboratory.
“SUCK! is about gender, climate change and diversity, like most of my work,” said Vondervonder during a speech at Sunderland’s Last Chance Independent Film Festival, where a retrospective of his work is being shown, “although with some of my earlier films, such as Tits Out for the Lads! or Moby's Dick, I would respectfully leave it to the viewer to make up his, her or its own mind. Art, like truth, is subjective.”

FILM ON 4, 23-14: Holocaustic Soda (95min)
This, the seventh movie in the successful Inspector Twollet franchise shows Quarantino at his whodunnit best. In the down-at-heel district of Cowfart Alabama, an unidentified man is discovered in a seedy motel, crushed to death between the jaws of a Corby trouser press. Stanley Twollet, an unconventional detective inspector on the verge of retirement, is assigned to the case, and must put his complicated domestic arrangements behind him in the search for clues. A chance meeting with a former fiancée recently released from a secure psychiatric institution triggers unpleasant memories and Twollet (played as always by dependable Brian Yogamatte) struggles to suppress them as he pursues the case to its violent, unexpected conclusion. (dir: Tintin Quarantino)

CRICKET BOXING
Tom Googly, the opening batsman for Hastings Ten Sixty-Sixers XI was said by a club spokesman to be “comfortable” last night after reportedly being hit on the head by a bouncer.An air ambulance attended The Cat’s Pyjama nightclub in Upper Dicker, following an incident involving Mr Googly and Reg Headbutter, a doorman at the venue. Witnesses described “an argument about the leg before wicket rule” which apparently got out of hand, resulting in a fracas, which later developed into an affray, finally ending up as a skirmish, during which Mr Googly was knocked out cold.
After regaining consciousness, the cricketer, who was charged at his hospital bedside with possession of an offensive weapon, namely a reinforced jockstrap containing a billiard ball, declined to comment.

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FOOD:

A branch of Bushmeet, the rare species restaurant chain which also caters for vegetarians, has opened in Beyondenden. The menu includes vegan white rhino sausages, quorn Bonobo heart and pan fried Bengal tiger penis which is made from Tofu. Frozen dessert specialists Ben & Jerry have released, exclusively for Bushmeet, a Marmite-flavoured ice cream for people without a sweet tooth.

Sausage Life!

Against all odds, a poor Irish immigrant family rise to the top in 19th century America

Rarely-seen 2Os German Expressionist film about a strange spanner-worshipping cult

JESUS WANTS ME FOR A SUN READER aka PASS THE INSTANT YOGA

JACK POUND

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CHEMTRAILS ON MY MIND
MORT J SPOONBENDER

On September 11th 1958, José Popacatapetl, a retired tree psychologist who's father was head gardener for the CIA during the cold war, was hitchiking through the Alberqueque desert when he was picked up by a black sedan driven by J Edgar Hoover's ex-boyfriend André Pfaff head of FBI underhand operations and extra-terrestrial banking who once worked as a quantum mechanic for the KGB under the direct orders of the zombie reincarnation of Josef Stalin whose mummified corpse was stored in a secret bunker in the basement of the Vatican.

Vote For Countryside Alliance

A party political Broadcast by The Hunt Cult.

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THE SENIOR MOMENTS

SEE THEIR LAST GREAT PERFORMANCE ON THE THE PERRY COMO SHOW 1959

POISON PEOPLE

By Guano Poundhammer

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Video from the album Domestic Bliss

SUPERCALIFUCKINGFRAGIFUCKINGLISTICEXPIALIFUCKINGDOCIOUS

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PODCASTS: ALICE'S CRAZY MOON

EPISODE1:
Travel & transportation

EPISODE2:
Body Parts

EPISODE 3:
Telephones

EPISODE 4:
Economics

EPISODE 5:
Misheard Lyrics

EPISODE 6:
MILK

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Alice's Crazy Moon is an offbeat monthly podcast hosted by Alice Platt (BBC, Soho Radio) with the help of roaming reporter Bird Guano a.k.a Colin Gibson (Comic Strip Presents, Sausage Life). Each episode centres around a different topic chosen by YOU the listener! The show is eclectic mix of music, facts about the artists and songs, surrealistic sponsors, Bird Guano's phone-in and of course, Poetry Corner featuring everyones favourite poet, Big Pillow!

NB: IF YOU DO NOT HAVE A PAID SUBSCRIPTION TO SPOTIFY, THE SONGS WILL BE OF RESTRICTED LENGTH

ATTENZIONE!

‘Watching Paint Die’ EP by Girl Bites Dog is out now and available wherever you rip off your music.

Made entirely without the assistance of AI, each listen is guaranteed to eliminate hair loss, cure gluten intolerance and stop your cat from pissing in next door's garden.

Photo credit: Alice's Dad (circa 2000)

https://open.spotify.com/album/2fHlSX6Dm7hEm9TUYkGUAN...