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SAUSAGE LIFE 168
Bird Guano
The column that can play the bagpipes but prefers not to
MYSELF: Why the furrowed brow?
READER: It's this bloody crossword. Have these compilers got nothing better to do than make The Times Very Very Simple Crossword very very difficult?
I mean, Look at this, 4 across: 'type of bat' (7)
MYSELF: Any letters?
READER: C-R something-something-something E-T.
MYSELF: I-C-K!
READER: Where?
MYSELF: No, the letters. It's cricket.
READER: How's that?
MYSELF: Cricket. As in Cricket Bat.
READER: I really shouldn't have to point this out but a cricket is not a type of bat, it is a type of insect.
MYSELF: True, unless it is the type of bat employed in the ancient gentlemen's game ... then it is a cricket bat.
READER: You're just not the crossword type are you? Listen carefully, a bat is a nocturnal flying rodent. A cricket is a talking insect which hangs out with wooden boys. I can't be clearer than that.
MYSELF: It's never too late to learn stuff.
CRICKET BALLS
With the cricket season almost upon us and since many people are still bamboozled by the idiosyncrasies of the noble game, (derived from the ancient provencal game of criquet - originally played by French farmers using live geese and the testicle of a wild boar) - I thought the time was right to publish a brief glossary of cricketing terms for the uninitiated, that they might gain a deeper understanding of the great sport:-
Inswinger a sexually-liberated agoraphobic
Spin government manipulation of England bowling statistics
Lob - see full toss
Full toss- see dead rubber
Googly - drunk
Bouncer - a chap who is very googly
All out - the outcome of unsuccessful negotiations between the professional cricketing union (WOMBAT), and the MCC.
Outfield - a place designated for post-match sexual assignments
Maiden over - see outfield, dead rubber
Dead rubber - used contraceptive device often found in the outfield
Hat trick - rabbit produced from a cricket box
Appeal - what people find attractive about cricketers
All rounder - see outswinger
Backlift - see outswinger
Batting - dogging for vampires.
Boundary having a tendency to behave like a cad
Slips - debilitating intestinal condition, often acquired on tours of the subcontinent.
Caught behind - see slips
Follow through - see slips
Crease - the sharp line in a batsman's trousers
Duck - tactic for avoiding bouncers
Straight bat - heterosexual flying rodent (see batting)
Stumps - affectionate nickname for Wilf Crosby, the long serving double-amputee groundsman at Lords.
IT'S ALL NUTS
Eccentric Sussex MP Rambo Udder is being sued by Professor Gordon Thinktank, the Hastings inventor. Thinktank has engaged the feared Geordie legal team of Hadaway & Shayte in order to contest what they describe as a "bogus and plagiaristic patent application." The application in question is for Ms Udder's Squirrelator, a powerful steam-powered squirrel gun which, the professor claims is based on his own compressed-air mole-castrating device The Nutwaster. Ron Hadaway of H&S told us' "Ms Udder doesn't have a leg to stand on. Her so-called Squirrelator is nothing more than a cheap knock-off of our client's superior invention. Similarities abound. The fact that The Squirrelator is advertised as for the inhumane disposal of squirrels only is neither here nor there. We will show that it can be re-engineered in a matter of weeks to perform many other tasks, notably for example, mole castration. This is an open and shut case. We intend to plead puisne noille ad hoc tutti with castrata non casablanca and ask for costs."
The case continues....
THE PLACE THAT LUNCHED A THOUSAND HIPSTERS
last weekend a branch of the endangered species takeaway franchise Guilty opened in the high street directly opposite Herr Shirt the German gent's masochist outfitters, now sadly closed. Socially distanced awkwardly masked queues began forming before dawn in a bid to place an order with the uber-woke food chain. Angry residents however reported that even though medical experts had warned that beard-to-beard transmission of the new variant of Covid 19 could not be ruled out, there were so many of them at Guilty's opening that flocks of nesting sparrows had to be beaten off with sticks. Exhausted kitchen staff told me later that the top orders were fricassee of baby panda in sperm whale semen, dolphin beak tartare and orang-utan tagine surprise.
DIKSHINARY KORNER
Baby oil (n) mild lubrication for curing squeaky infants
WYSIWYG (n) quick-change toupée
Hirsute (n) the outfit she wears at work
LETTERS PREY
Rummaging in my bulging mailbag, stuffed as it was with the usual incontinent rubbish, I chanced on a couple of queries I felt able to shine some light on. Mrs.Onya Byche of Cranbrook wrote:
Dear Mr. Guano, (or may I call you Bird?),
can you please settle an argument? My friend claims that paintings depicting Adam and Eve with navels are factually incorrect, since they were both created by Almighty God without the intervention of a womb. As a confirmed atheist, I say that is palpable nonsense. Who is right?
I replied:
Dear Mrs. Byche (no you may not),
first of all let me make it clear that the existence of Almighty God was never in doubt, otherwise we wouldn't have Jehovah's Witnesses. Secondly, the first couple were created by God using his special powers, so the navels are purely decorative and have nothing to do with umbilical cords. Thus, working in his mysterious way, God made sure that sinful rumpy-pumpy and pregnancy could be reserved for the torment of future generations.
The explanation of the navels is simple. In the art world, the fanciful must often collide with the pragmatic. Should you care to look closely enough you will see that all paintings have belly buttons, which is what art gallery staff use to carry them about.
Mr. V. 'Biff' Smith of Hastings sent me this question, a conundrum which has puzzled many of the world's greatest thinkers:
Dear sir or madam,
before the invention of the light bulb, what appeared above people's heads when they had an idea?
I was delighted to be able to clear this up once and for all.
Dear Biff,
it may interest you to know that years before Mr. Edison patented the incandescent light bulb, the thing that hovered above people's heads whenever they were struck by an idea was either a ball of wool with crossed knitting needles, or a plate of mash, two fried eggs stuck to the sides, with sausages poking out of the potato.
Sausage Life!
Or, as Marlon Brando said to that lady in Last Tango in Paris, "Butter times are coming"
WENDY IS UNWELL
Britain's favourite agony aunt is currently undergoing rehab at the Helena Hancart centre for Psychiatric Excellence and should be back with us soon. You can click her image for some archive letters.
POISON PEOPLE
click image for video
POISON PEOPLE
Jack Pound/Colin Gibson
POISON PEOPLE
PEOPLE POISON
GONNA MESS UP ON YOUR SCENE
ITS DANGER DANGER
FROM PEOPLE POISON
MAN THEIR SPIRIT IS SO MEAN
THEY GOT SLEAZE
DESEASE
KNOCK KNEES AND SCANDALESE
THEY TAKE MY PSYCHE AND THEY GRIND IT DOWN
SLAP A MASK ON MY FACE WHEN THEY COME AROUND
SLASH THE MUSCLES THAT MAKE ME STRONG
FORCE A DRUG UP MY NOSE WHERE IT DOES NOT BELONG
THOSE POISON PEOPLE ARE THE PITS
DEEP DOWN THEY'RE SO SHALLOW
BULLSHIT BRAINS
THEIR STRAIGHT AND NARROW
YOU'VE MET EM
DON'T LET 'EM
FUCK WITH YOUR HEAD
THEYD LIKE TO SEE YOU DEAD
OR BLIND YOUR EYES
WITH THERE BRAINLESS LIES
TIL THE HATE THEY BRING
AND THE SHIT THEY SLING
WITH THEIR DIRTY MINDS
GET YOU ALL THE TIME
POISON PEOPLE
PEOPLE POISON
YOUVE GOT TO STAY OUT OF THEIR WAY
ITS DANGER DANGER
FROM PEOPLE POISON
ITS THE HIGH PRICE THAT YOU PAY
WHAT MORE CAN I SAY?
WALK WITH THE ANIMALS AND TALK TO THE TREES
IN SPLENDID ISOLATION YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU PLEASE
BUT LISTEN CAREFULLY TO THE WORDS I WROTE
IF PEOPLE GET TO BITE YOU
THERE'S NO ANTIDOTE
POISON PEOPLE DRAG YOU DOWN
ITS DANGER DANGER
FROM PEOPLE POISON
MAN THEIR SPIRIT IS SO MEAN
POISON PEOPLE DRAG YOU DOWN
DOWN
DOWN
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