Bird Guano

The column which doesn’t approve of genitally modified food, and will only eat eggs that have been delivered by cesarean section.


READER: Do you know what day it is? I've got £10 here with a bookie's name on it. What's happened to Nostra O'Damus’s Racing Tips? .

MYSELF:  Sorry, the editor spiked it. We got a lot of letters from anti-horse racing folks.

READER: Typical. I suppose the noble sport of kings is not for everyone. But for heaven’s sake, I mean…..The Grand National? The Derby? Ladies Day? The heady smell of dung, fear and cordite? What’s wrong with these people?

MYSELF:  Tell me about it. They just bang on and on about gambling and equestrian cruelty. These noble animals adore racing, and as you and I both know, there's nothing a horse likes more than having its arse whipped by a small bitter person who left school when they were nine. While we’re at it, if you’re looking for a dead cert, what about Break a Leg at 55/1 in the 3-30 at Aintree? Loves rough going, being shouted at by drunks and jumping over fences three times its own height. Or what about Pedigree Chum at 100/3?  I got that straight from the lips of Nostra O'Damus himself.
READER: OK, mum’s the word. A nod’s as good as a wink, I’m on it.


Russian proprietor Oliver Gark has named Hastings & St Leonards Warriors FC’s new manager as Giovani Fuctivano, former coach of Serie D’s  AFC Cosanostra. The Sicilian supremo, dubbed ‘The Goalfather’, has promised fans he will bring “sexy Italian football” to Hastings. The Warriors’ catastrophic descent into the relegation zone, coupled with their spectacular expulsion from the FA cup by lowly Chiddingly Pharaohs FC, has sent the board of directors into meltdown. OUT goes Irish manager Alabaster Tipperary after only four weeks in the job, OUT goes fearsome central defender Nobby Balaclava along with groin-kick specialist Ruud Van Smoot, IN comes curvy physiotherapist and former lapdancer Sabrina Petto-Massiccio, IN come financial directors Johnny “potatoes” Proscuitto, and Luigi “Legs” Borgias. New boss Fuctivano told us; “All we have to do is win all our remaining 12 games 8-0. As long as the teams above us lose all theirs, or are involved in some sort of accident on the way to a game I am confidant we can do it.”



Expanse (n) trousers which have reached the end of their useful life

Cardigan (n) requesting a ‘twist’ in pontoon.



Lena Morova of Inner Thyghe writes with an all too common query, one frequently tarred with apocryphal heresay and conjecture.


Dear Wendy,

when, if ever, is it permissible to wear a hat in a sauna?

Dear Ms Morova,

wearing a hat in a sauna is perfectly acceptable, provided that the sauna’s rear blocking washers are fully charged, and the collar-link connecting the steam defibrillator to the pressure gauge is able to generate enough leverage to produce 250 psu or greater. Should these conditions not be adhered to, the skewed hat-steam balance will almost always result in brim-wilt. There are however, no circumstances where it is ok to wear a French beret, a fireman’s helmet, or a Coldstream Guardsman’s busby in a sauna.


Roger Lilliput of Beyondenden writes;

Dear Wendy,

I take plenty of vigorous exercise, drink whale sperm and lie under a horse every morning. Whilst up to now it’s never done me any harm, I have recently begun to suffer from scurvy, and wondered; might there be any connection?

Dear Roger,

Scurvy is normally associated with pre-18th century sailors who were deprived of vitamin C (ironically, whilst at sea). Whereas whale sperm is an excellent source of protein and vitamin E, it will not, unlike lemon juice or rhesus monkey spleen, provide the vital vitamin you lack. Lying under a horse may temporarily deprive you of sunlight and vitamin D, but is unlikely to diminish your vitamin C levels. Look at it this way, Hastings Pirate Day is coming soon, and with a genuine case of scurvy, you are sure to tower above the competition.


It became evident during the first half of this ambitious Royal Court production of Mascarponi’s Rubella featuring Dame Melba Turste as the enchanted donkey and Tarquin Codpeace as the disappointed swan, that all was not well. Two minutes into the interval, raised voices could be discerned coming from the orchestra pit, one of them being the unmistakable grating roar of the principal ballerina herself. The shocked audience could hear every syllable as Dame Melba vented her fury at orchestra conductor Remy Vaselini. The Grande Dame was insinuating that the tempo during the opening Le Petit Battement En Grenouille was played at a deliberately frantic Tutti al Presto, rather than the Allegro Ma Non Troppo specified by the composer, causing her to trip during a tricky jambes pliées sous le menton, and bang her head against a piece of scenery. The famously bad-tempered conductor countered with the accusation that Dame Melba’s equilibrium may have been compromised by her previous night’s gin-binge, and that her feet were “like two canoes filled with cement.”
Shortly after that, a reverberating crash rang around the auditorium, which, it transpired, had been caused by the Chinese gong with which Dame Melba had fractured Mr. Vaselini’s skull. As the house lights went up to allow the conductor to be stretchered off, queues were already forming at the box office to buy tickets for the evening performance, which were soon available from touts outside the theatre at three times their face value.


The truth behind some popular misconceptions

MYTH: Money is an essential ingredient in a capitalist-based society.

FACT: I recently paid for a short bus journey with a kilo of purple sprouting broccoli.

MYTH: The pope does not need to wash his hands after doing his business in the woods, because he is infallible.

FACT: The Pope defecates, not in the woods, but in a solid gold toilet in his private apartments in The Vatican, and cleanses himself with toilet paper made from the Dead Sea Scrolls. Germs, which are The Devil's Trolls, accumulate on the Pontiff's hands and can only be removed by nuns using a high-pressure hose containing holy water.



Hastings Borough Council has taken the decision to deny Morris Dancers temporary clapper licenses for this year's Jack-in-the Green festivities, after complaints from bell haters. A council spokesman admitted that the amount of bell-hate in the town had taken them by surprise. The Morris Men's Union, IRRITAT, have vowed to silently picket the town hall until this decision is reversed.



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By Lobbytroll