SAUSAGE LIFE
Bird Guano
a random collision of events narrated by baboons


READER: I see in the Express that Britain’s economy is booming.


MYSELF:
Yes. And if you close your eyes and hold your nose you can fart through your ears. In the same issue, the Express also printed the following headline:
LACK OF TROUSERS LEAVES MEN WITHOUT TROUSERS


READER:
Is that true?


MYSELF:
About the trousers?


READER:
No, about closing your eyes, holding your nose and farting through your ears.


MYSELF
: Of course.

 

 

KEN LOACH EXCLUSIVE PREVIEW!
We have been given  exclusive access to the trailer for PURGATORY! ex-Labour Party member Ken Loach’s latest star-studded 5-part drama-documentary series about The Roman Catholic Church’s post-mortem waiting room,

VOICE OVER 1 (Ex-Dr Who, Tom Baker):
Often described as the church's own Guantanamo Bay, Purgatory - neither heaven nor hell - hovers midway between the two, like a tightrope-walking ballerina suspended over a bubbling volcano. We were granted exclusive interviews with some of the inmates of purgatory-although we have been expressly forbidden by the Ecumenical Council of Innocent Bishops to reveal their identities....................

INTERVIEWER: 
What are you in for?

MAN: 
I recently converted to Catholicism in order to marry my wife - if only I'd known.
INTERVIEWER:
How long do you expect to spend in purgatory?"

MAN:
No idea. Nobody gives you any information down here, or are we up? its worse than being alive

INTERVIEWER:

Like Groundhog Day?

MAN:
Yes, but much longer, and without Bill Murray. We just lack the basic things. Human contact, empathy, beer.


A PALE WOMAN DRIFTS BY, DRESSED ANACHRONISTICALLY, OBLIVIOUS.


MAN:

See that? They can't hear you. You can't hear them either, we're all just bumbling around like bees. Lonesome bees.

INTERVIEWER:

Have you read Kafka's The Trial?

MAN:
I would if I could, but they don't give you any books down here. No books, no magazines, no newspapers. Nothing.

INTERVIEWER:
Some of these people look like they've been here for centuries

MAN:
I know, It's a worry. I don't quite know what I'm in for, or how long I got for it.

INTERVIEWER:
So you don't even know how you got here?

MAN:
Sin, obviously. only it couldn't have been mortal sin, otherwise.....

INTERVIEWER:
Straight to Hell?

MAN:
Exactly. So it must have been original.

INTERVIEWER:
How do you suppose that happened?

MAN:
Well you're just born with it.

INTERVIEWER:
Born with it?

MAN:
If you're Catholic, you're born with it. Its like a silver spoon in reverse.

INTERVIEWER:
Are there any other religions in here?

MAN:
No, only Catholics

INTERVIEWER:
Wow, what a bummer"

MAN:
You said it pal.

INTERVIEWER:
So how do you manage to survive?

MAN:
With increasing difficulty since my death. The one thing about Purgatory is that everything stays more or less the same as when you were last alive. Hunger for example - I would advise every Catholic to have a good meal before dying. The same goes for thirst, and sexual desire-so don't say I didn't warn you.


MUSIC:
Purgatory Suite for Unprepared Piano by Jean Michel Jarre

VOICEOVER 2
(The bloke who used to say “probably the best lager in the world”):

PUR-GA-TORY…..Channel 5… Thursdays…..the long wait is over.

 

 

DICTIONARY CORNER
Unclear (adj)  More uncly than some of your less uncly uncles

Cross dresser (n)  Bad tempered piece of bedroom furniture

Robust (n)  Reinforced bra specially designed for the 1936 British Olympic ladies coxless fours.

 

TV NEWS

Channel 5, sold by pornographer Richard “Dirty Des” Desmond to multinational conglomerate Viacom in 2014, have announced a brand new sitcom, which they claim will "blow Netflix out of the water". Opium All Hours, is to star Russell Brand as Derek Bargepole, proprietor of an all night grocery shop with a secret back room concealed behind a bookcase in the storeroom. Tongues start to wag after Derek hires a mysterious Chinese assistant, and long queues begin to snake around the block far into the night.

SOAP CATCH-UP

Eastenders
The police are called after Tracy discovers a six- fingered glove in Harry's caravan.

The Archers
Trouble at Ambridge Comprehensive where angry parents have gathered to accuse headmaster Mr. Gallstone of being anti-semantic after he refused to condemn a badly-written essay by Rafifi's daughter Sensimilla.

 

 

NEW LOCKDOWN AVERTED

Doctors have warned of a serious epidemic striking the South East, where clusters of Munchhausen's Syndrome by Proxy have broken out over a wide area of East Sussex.
In Cockmarling, after a man with his leg in plaster boarded a bus, a polite student who stood up to offer him a seat was immediately overcome with intense pain, fell over, and was thrown off by the driver for being drunk. A similar incident occurred in Upper Dicker, when Ron Anchovy, a local jockey who is partially sighted, chastised a group of tourists on an exchange visit from Hartlepool who were blocking the pavement. Within seconds they were all struck blind and staggered into the road, causing a 30-tonne French juggernaut laden with goose paté to swerve into the path of a coach party of Swedish theatregoers who had just attended the Wealdon Amateur Dramatic Society's performance of Noel Coward's burlesque farce, A Scotch Egg in My Bra.
There were no serious injuries apart from a paramedic who sprained an ankle after he slipped on a patch of spilled fois gras whilst attending to the concussed truck driver. One coach passenger, a lady fish processer from Målmo who had become trapped under a pile of accordions, had to be cut free by firemen.
A senior NHS spokesman added, "There is no cause for alarm. The epidemic has peaked and should have disappeared by the end of the month. Until then, my advice is to avoid standing next to anyone with an infirmity, wear a mask, use braces rather than a belt, wash the back of your neck and always make sure chicken is cooked thoroughly by getting a friend to try it first."

 

 

 

FOR NATIONAL POETRY WEEK

Sylvia, by Alistair Milqueflote

 

I was having a bath

With Sylvia Plath

When my winkle popped out of the water.

She observed that Ted Hughes

Wore a size nineteen shoe

Though his whelk was considerably shorter.

 

I was rinsing my hair

With Sylvia still there

And remarked that the water was scalding.

When she told me that Ted

Kept his clothes on in bed

(He was secretly short fat and balding).

 

 

 



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