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THE OVAL ORIFICE

"Let's face it folks, if America had effective gurn control, I wouldn't be where I am today"

Bird Guano's

SAUSAGE LIFE

The column which thinks the murderer was William Rees Mogg, in the Nursery, with the Hobby Horse

MYSELF: Call a doctor! It’s fucking Olympicsbury again! Am I the only person who can’t wait for this overhyped festival of narcissistic bores to perform its ever more tasteless closing ceremony?

READER: Killjoy! You’re just jealous because you get totally out of breath cleaning your teeth. Personally I can’t wait for the magnificent opening ceremony featuring a fly past by The Royal Parachute Regiment Motorcycle Display Team. I hear Taylor Swift will be standing in for our dear late Queen.

MYSELF: Actually I think you’ll find it’s Paris this year.

READER: Paris Hilton?

MYSELF: Paris France.

READER: France? No! Are we back in the EU again?

TRUMP PROMISES TO REPEAL ABOLITION OF SLAVERY
In a statement issued by the Republican Party press office, presidential candidate Donald Trump has declared that “The shameful abolition of slavery act of 1864 has stained the history of our great nation for a tremendously long time. Too long folks. Not tremendous. I, your presidential president-to-be, hereby declare that am going to repeal that unnatural act on day one.” He also announced that he would authorise congress to impose punitive tariffs on the import of Mexican chandeliers, which he claims are  “Symbols of the narco state bourgeoisie.” which should be “shot and hung upside down, preferably outside a gas station”.

IL DOUCHE
As well as being an admirer of Benito Mussolini, Donald Trump is also a huge Italian food fan. He has linguini and pizza flown in daily to his Mar a Lago mansion from Omertà, a little family-run restaurant in Sicily. It is his private secretary’s duty to ensure that the end of his tiny penis is constantly caked with a mixture of black truffle oil and grated Parmesan, which, he says, "drives Italian broads crazy"

CAST NOT A CLOUT
During the Republican Party Convention in Milwaukee, Trump’s first words to visiting ex-PM Liz Truss were; “Great job with Brexit ma’am, great job. Tremendous job. What is Brexit by the way? My friend Nigel says you got your sovereignty back, whatever that is. Tremendous. Our special relationship means that when I win the presidency, those European cheese eating surrender monkeys will never be allowed to straighten out British bananas again. Never again. It’s not gonna happen folks. I heard they tried to make you put cow in your horseradish. Is that true? Cow? The French are overrated. Tremendously overrated”. At this point Ms Truss temporarily removed her tongue from Mr. Trump’s anus, and pointed out that Brexit, even though it means Brexit, is pronounced Breggs-it in English but Pwellygoggy in Welsh.

TRUMP PLEDGES CANINE BAN
The Mexican Hairless. What can I say? Its Mexican and its hairless. No hair. Are you kidding? Get outa here with that! A lot of folks in LA have Mexican Hairless dogs. I pin the blame on cocaine and same sex abortion. I PROMISE that on DAY ONE of my presidentialism, I will sign my dog bill. NO MORE MEXICAN DOGS will be coming into the USA, hairless or otherwise. No more dogs. It’s not gonna happen folks. Not gonna happen. My hot wife Ivana loves dogs, but only with hair. Ivana is very smart by the way. Very smart lady. She is a qualified trombonist and let me tell you, that is a very difficult instrument. Tremendously difficult. Does anyone out there really think Krazy Kamala Harris could learn to master the trombone? Give me a break.

READER'S LETTERBAG

Word-based postal intercourse from the Sausage Life intelligensia

Dear Birdman of Alcatraz,

I recently spent 6 months in a Swedish jail for making a sandwich with two slices of bread. Conditions were harsh, the broadband was very intermittent and there was always a long wait for the sauna. Am I alone in thinking the Swedes are far too sensitive about culinary matters?

Brian Yogamatt,
Uttar Pradesh

Dear Brian,
To be honest, I can't believe you only got six months. Even after a plea bargain I was sentenced to three years soft labour in the notorious Gördetinteigen penal colony after I was overheard in a restaurant saying I wasn’t keen on Volvos. Thankfully my stay was somewhat alleviated after I became the prison's Gravadlax king thanks to my contacts in the Norwegian fishing industry and after my release I was able to start a small narcotics business.

PS: If the Sarkerhetspolisen (the Swedish secret service) are still monitoring this column they may apply for your extradition after reading this letter. Should that occur, I recommend you make your way immediately to the Ecuadorian Embassy and ask for asylum. I can tell you that Abba and Gracie Fields are still very big in Ecuador, so take along some CDs. Also they are very fond of untipped cigarettes, Belgian chocolate and hot water bottles. Think of them as gifts, not bribes.

READER: How come I've been pushed down to the bottom of the page? I wanted to drone on a bit more about the Olympic Games. Also, where's all the General Election stuff?

MYSELF: The Olympics and the Labour landslide are old hat now. The BBC Strictly scandal is the only story in town.

READER: Strictly scandal?

MYSELF: You haven't heard? Read on and weep.

WHORE’S WHIPPED
Lord Medved Oligarki the BBC's Director General has apologised after Olympian medallist Charlotte DuJardin was axed from the top rated series Strictly come Hoofing after a whistleblower reported inappropriate behaviour with a contestant. The allegations of steamy equestrian S&M sessions involving Ms DuJardin dressed as a character from a Jilly Cooper novel have scandalised viewers of the popular TV show, in which professional experts teach horses the rudiments of the Argentinian Tango. Media restrictions prevent me from revealing the identity of the horse in question, as Nigel's Boomerang is below the age of consent.

READER: Noooooooo! Not Strictly! Friday nights will never be the same.

MYSELF: Eggs Ackley. It's like Jimmy and Rolf all over again.

Sausage Life!

Rarely-seen 2Os German Expressionist film about a strange spanner-worshipping cult

JESUS WANTS ME FOR A SUN READER aka PASS THE INSTANT YOGA

JACK POUND

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CHEMTRAILS ON MY MIND
MORT J SPOONBENDER

On September 11th 1958, José Popacatapetl, a retired tree psychologist who's father was head gardener for the CIA during the cold war, was hitchiking through the Alberqueque desert when he was picked up by a black sedan driven by J Edgar Hoover's ex-boyfriend André Pfaff head of FBI underhand operations and extra-terrestrial banking who once worked as a quantum mechanic for the KGB under the direct orders of the zombie reincarnation of Josef Stalin whose mummified corpse was stored in a secret bunker in the basement of the Vatican.

POISON PEOPLE

By Guano Poundhammer

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Video from the album Domestic Bliss 

SUPERCALIFUCKINGFRAGIFUCKINGLISTICEXPIALIFUCKINGDOCIOUS

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PODCASTS: ALICE'S CRAZY MOON

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Alice's Crazy Moon is an offbeat monthly podcast hosted by Alice Platt (BBC, Soho Radio) with the help of roaming reporter Bird Guano a.k.a Colin Gibson (Comic Strip Presents, Sausage Life). Each episode centres around a different topic chosen by YOU the listener! The show is eclectic mix of music, facts about the artists and songs, surrealistic sponsors, Bird Guano's phone-in and of course, Poetry Corner featuring everyones favourite poet, Big Pillow!

NB: IF YOU DO NOT HAVE A PAID SUBSCRIPTION TO SPOTIFY, THE SONGS WILL BE OF RESTRICTED LENGTH

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GUANO POUNDHAMMER

DOMESTIC BLISS NOW ON SPOTIFY AND ALL STREAMING PLATFORMS