Bird Guano
The column that won’t shoot until it sees the whites of your eggs


READER: I heard there were riots at the Poundsavers closing-down sale.

MYSELF: I’m not surprised. There was 10% off everything.

READER: So what happened?

MYSELF: Apparently police were called when two elderly ladies, battling for the one remaining combination nail file and fish knife, tripped over a folding loofah rack which had been left in aisle 2. This ricocheted them into an adjacent trio of shelves featuring non-stick suction pads, screwdrivers with revolving handles, and USB-powered fridges just big enough to hold a thimbleful of milk or a single sperm sample, causing them all to collapse like dominoes. Three policemen were arrested.

READER: Shocking. It’s simply not worth cutting corners just to save a few bob. I once bought a lava lamp there, which was still active! Luckily for me I was out shopping when it erupted.

MYSELF: That's nothing, when Poundsavers first opened I bought my kids a bouncy castle, which turned out to be haunted.



Vladimir Novichok, a billionaire businessman with “no connection to the Russian Mafia”, has submitted plans for the construction of a brand new second pier in Hastings which, he says, will “knock the other one into a cocked hat”. Over 5 kilometres in length and 1,000 metres wide, the ambitious structure will house, according to the billionaire’s blueprint, a helicopter pad, a runway for private jets, 500 luxury log cabins featuring sauna facilities, nail bars, vape shops and affordable junk food, as well as responsible gambling facilities for all the family and a self-service coin-operated money laundrette.  “This is going to be the mother of all piers,” said the oligarch, “I wouldn’t be surprised if it won an award”.

A council spokesperson warned however: “A pier of this length is highly likely to interfere with shipping in the English Channel. Mr. Novichok may be a respected member of the Russian kleptocracy, but this does not exempt him from UK planning regulations.” adding, “We accept that proposals for a cyber-zoo containing 2,000 life-sized radio-controlled animals, including crocodiles, pterodactyls and herd of elephants programmed to stampede on the hour, will be a huge visitor attraction, but would point out that it may raise a significant number of health and safety issues”.


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Upper Dicker Memorial Hall has been announced as the venue for the long anticipated return to the ring of fresh-out-of-rehab heavyweight face-puncher Typhoon Anger. His opponent will be Mexican veteran Mickey “Chihuahua” Gonzales (53), 23 years older, 11 stone lighter and 9 inches shorter than Anger and furthermore, his critics claim, “a pushover”.
Gonzales’ manager, José ‘No Way’ Huevos hit back: “Pushover? Don’t underestimate The Chihuahua. Looks can be deceiving. My boy’s like a miniature combine harvester on steroids. He will reap The so-called Typhoon like wheat, bag him up and leave him all over the ring in black plastic bundles. His footwork is a blur. One round will be enough. The difference in height means nothing. He can jump like a grasshopper. His flying uppercut will be the angry bull in Typhoon’s china-shop jaw.”
Ron Maserati, Anger’s manager, countered: “The Chihuahua doesn’t stand a chance. Typhoon’s in tip-top shape since his withdrawal symptoms wore off. He’s down to two bottles of gluten-free vodka a day. His arms are like legs. His right hook is like a shoal of jet-powered piranha fish wrapped in cement. Don’t even mention footwork,” he railed, “One of the judges on Strictly described Typhoon’s feet as 'like two tiny hovercrafts'. I’ll give Chihuahua two rounds at the most.”
Dubbed “Brawl of the Century”, the bout will take place on September 14th. where the two brain-damaged ex-alcoholic sociopaths will battle it out for a purse thought to be in excess of £500.  


Hastings’ latest dressing up and getting drunk event took place last weekend. Like Pirate Day, Constable Day, now in its third year, has captured the Sussex seaside resort’s imagination. This year’s event was a resounding success, and saw Hastings shatter the record for the total number of people assembled in one place dressed as policemen, WPCs, or non binary officers. On a blistering August morning, the town quickly filled up with ‘officers of the law’, and by noon, the previous record-holders’ total of 8,710 (Taunton, 2017), was easily overtaken. Even after the judges disqualified 54 ineligible plain-clothes detectives and a confused couple from Suffolk who arrived wearing artists’ smocks and carrying easels and paint brushes, Hastings’ 2021 turnout easily outshone that of their west country rivals. Hastings’ new mayor Medved Oligarki praised the effort, saying: “The townspeople, as always, got into the spirit of things 110 %, which is coincidentally also the figure Hastings chief of police Hydra Gorgon has given me for the regrettable spike in petty crime which occurred that day as hundreds of intoxicated ‘policemen’ emptied the shelves of clothing stores and off-licences, leaving a trail of confused shopkeepers across the town.” 


The popular new owner of Hastings & St. Leonards Warriors FC. who claimed to be Sultan Abdullah Muhammad Shah Habibullah, a well-connected oil-rich millionaire member of the Saudi Royal family, has been revealed as a fraud. It turns out he is not an Arab sheik, but Podraig Ballycuddy,  an Irish chef, whose previous job was flipping burgers at the Upper Dicker branch of Calories R Us.
Warrior’s captain and midfield enforcer Nobby Balaclava told us, “This is a bitter blow, particularly in in view of our relegation to the Nuclear Waste Disposal Solutions League (South) last season. The lads are inconsolable, particularly as we had all ordered 4-wheel drive cars and got measured up for Armani suits in anticipation of £200,000 a week salaries and boot sponsorship.”
“It now looks as though the promised Olympic-sized stadium with its own money laundry facilities and jumbo jet runway is not going to materialize,” he continued,, “along with the luxury yacht marina and the new away strip.” As we went to press, Mr. Ballycuddy’s telephone number appeared to have been suspended. His caravan, parked in a layby on the outskirts of Herstmonceaux, was deserted when our reporter called. The FA have cancelled the purchase and given the club 30 days to find a new owner.





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