Bird Guano's

The column which, like the Church of the Dyslexic Martyr, utterly comndemns Santa and all his works


READER: Why is the price of Heinz Baked Beans and Cream of Tomato Soup  going up faster than house prices?

MYSELF: Simple. It's because all the sugar and red food dye comes from The Ukraine. If you were smart you'd get on the Soup 'n Bean ladder and grow some pies of your own whilst the growing is good.

READER: Yes, I heard growth is the thing now, particularly where pies are concerned. Let's hope that the latest PM, Rich E. Sunak, will concentrate on delivering pie growth now that Liz Truss has left government to spend more time with her cheeses.



Ex-Imaginary Chairleg guitarist Tit Bingo whose career as a producer of adult films has mushroomed since the pop bubble burst, has announced a new low budget flick which he promises will have an even lower budget than his recent barrel-scraping blockbuster Moby’s Dick. With a working title of Breakfast at Stiffeney’s he plans to start and finish shooting on November 17th. It will be shot on location in Bingo’s home town of Cockmarlin, where he has appealed for local volunteers to be extras in the big orgy climax which takes place at Cockmarlin’s famous Museum of Hosiery ("Everything you always wanted to know about socks but were afraid to ask").
“I'm going to need 25 Rubenesque women and one enormously endowed man for the scene” he told us at the Upper Dicker headquarters of his production company 21st Century Cocks. “Let's face it £300 per day is a very good rate for the job. I think most local people can afford that.”


Dear Wendy,

My cat, Stanley, refuses to come out of the airing cupboard since he was frightened by a huge thunderstorm last Thursday. I have tried to tempt him with his favourite food, cottage cheese with chives, but I get the impression he has been surviving by eating the mice, a pair of whom came inside a box of fluffy bath towels from Asda, (which I think are made in China), and have multiplied. Please help.

Medusa Parsimoney


Dear Medusa,
The thunderstorm has likely traumatized Stanley to such an extent that his diet has become confused. Mice are tasty creatures, but lack vitamins D and E, essential for the feline metabolism. Also, as any self-respecting cat will tell you, mouse and cottage cheese don’t mix. In order to give Stanley the courage to re-enter your life I suggest leaving a dish of Baked Alaska or Cuisses de Grenouille if you can catch the frogs unawares, and a side order of English muffins with maple syrup.


Dear Wendy,

in these straitened times, is it advisable to let my friend borrow my vintage Pfaff sewing machine? He says it is just for a quick job, but I noticed his fingers were crossed. Please advise.
Olivia Mongoose
Diddling on-the-Hoof

Dear Ms Mongoose,

My advice is don’t do it. The last time I lent my sewing machine to a friend for a "quick job" they used it to completely rewire their house, insulate the loft, and drain a septic tank. It was never the same after that.



This week's necromancer


AKA Michael Green, Corinne Stockheath, Sebastian Fox, Kiri Oaxaca & Felicity Mongoose.


Simply follow Grant's predictions to get filthy rich really quick

Capricorn (22 December-20 January) The moon may stare at you. Be a mensch and stare right back! It's only a big shiny rock!


Aquarius (21 January-19 February) An unsuccessful burglary attempt causes severe anxiety. Go round the back and in through the conservatory next time. Gussets provoke mayhem on the 29th.


Pisces (20 February-20 March)  With Coriander on the ascendent, those Piscians looking for love should beware ginger-haired sailors. Carry a sick bucket for good luck on the 17th.

Aries (21 March-20 April)
 Arians typically detest octopus, but you should try some on the April 15th, when Taurus conjoins with Venus, causing a huge cusp. Remember, you can lead your grandmother to eggs, but you can't make her suck.


Taurus (21 April-21 May)  An angry bus conductress may knock on your door. Give her some peppermints. Pluto rules your hair-sign.


Gemini (22 May-21 June)  Leeds and Scunthorpe mean nothing to you and why should they? Paper-hanging on the 12th brings tidings of a terpsichorean nature. Avoid tinned salmon on the 20th and anything beginning with 'R' or 'K'


Cancer (22June 23 July)   Good news from Canada. A parcel containing snow promises to improve your French. Look out for traces of penguin.


Leo (24 July-23 August)  So-called friends invite you to a squirrel-clubbing party. With Venus submerged and Pisces stuck in traffic, go at your peril! A gas leak irritates, especially on the 9th.

Virgo (24 August-23 September)
Although you can not wear tartan socks with sandals, you do. A small electric shock on the 30th causes disproportionate mayhem.

Libra (24 September-23 October)
Bad news travels fast. Everyone knows where you got that tan and why you are walking like that. The first week in October will bode well for tall Librans, but beware of cows, bicycles, and aubergines on the 9th.

Scorpio (24 October-23 November)
 A house guest steals your pyjamas, leaving a small porcelain hedgehog in their place.

Saggitarius (24 November-21 December)
Your dining room floor is covered in peas around the 23rd. The problem with peas is they are too round. Unless they are mushy, any sort of slope can cause them to roll off the plate. Tiny weights, glued to the underside of the peas should solve this problem.




Reg was born in Fiji in 1938, and in 1943 moved with his family to Upper Dicker, East Sussex before emigrating to Sunderland in 1958, where he formed the Sunderland Poetry magazine Whee's Keys are These? with Carlton Bromide.

By Reg Trubshaw

Heroin came in the night
dressed as Humpty Dumpty
and singing songs about alopecia.
Perched at the foot of my bed
he wobbled and fell off.
Alas, my room was too small
for all the king's horses
let alone all the king's men
so I just left him there.
Mum cleared it up
in the morning.





Sausage Life!

Classic 2Os German Expressionist film about a strange spanner-worshipping cult

The Tree Huggers - Colin Gibson • Emmet Ives • Anita Makris
click for video


When added to your weekly wash, new formula Botoxydol, with Botulinim Toxin A, will guarantee youthful, wrinkle-free clothes.

Take years off your smalls with Botoxydol!


"...Somewher between Viv Stanshall's Bonzo Dog Band, Penguin Café Orchestra and Frank Zappa"

- Alan Dearing, International Times

Vote For Countryside Alliance

by The Hunt Cult. Click for video


"Sometimes you just need a tool that doesn't do anything"



guano poundhammer

From the album Domestic Bliss

click images for video