No. 163 November 26 2020


Bird Guano

The column in which facts will never be allowed to influence the truth


READER:  You've been getting a bit of flak lately.

MYSELF:  Entirely misdirected in my opinion.

READER: Well some readers appear to think your column is not only unhilarious, but a tad misogynistic, and that you unfairly target women with your criticism, a privilege to which, as a man, you are not entitled. 

MYSELF: Not entitled? Nonsense! Would you have me ridicule only half the population? Furthermore,  I have always maintained that women have every right to be as ambitious, foolhardy, mendacious, unreliable, narcissistic, treacherous and capricious as men, and I will robustly defend that right until I change my mind.



Doctors have warned of a serious epidemic striking parts of the UK's South East, where clusters of Munchhausen's Syndrome by Proxy have broken out over a wide area of East Sussex. In Cockmarling, after a man with his leg in plaster boarded a bus, the polite student who stood up to offer him a seat was immediately overcome with intense pain, fell over, and was thrown off by the driver for being drunk. A similar incident occurred in Battle, when Ron Anchovy, a local jockey who is partially sighted, chastised a group of tourists on an exchange visit from Hartlepool who were blocking the pavement. Within seconds they were all struck blind and staggered into the road, causing a 30-tonne French juggernaut laden with goose paté to swerve into the path of a coach party of Swedish theatregoers who had just attended the Wealdon Amateur Dramatic Society's performance of Noel Coward's burlesque farce, A Scotch Egg in My Bra. There were no serious injuries apart from one paramedic who sprained an ankle after he slipped on a patch of spilled fois gras whilst attending to the concussed truck driver and one of the coach passengers, a lady fish processer from Målmo, who had become trapped under a pile of accordions and had to be cut free by firemen. A senior NHS spokesman added, "There is no cause for alarm. The epidemic has peaked and should have been totally eradicated by our oven-ready world beating Tess n' Trace system by the end of the month. Until then, my advice is to avoid standing next to anyone with an infirmity, always wear a mask, use braces rather than a belt, wash the back of your neck regularly and always make sure the chicken is cooked thoroughly by getting a friend to try it first."



sponsored links

click image


unqualified advice for the terminally confused


Channel 5, sold by pornographer Richard Desmond to multinational media conglomerate Viacom in 2014, have announced production of a brand new sitcom, which they claim will "blow Netflix out of the water". Opium All Hours, is to star Russell Brand as Derek Bargepole, proprietor of an all night grocery shop with a secret back room concealed behind the light bulb cupboard. Tongues start to wag after Derek hires a mysterious Chinese assistant, and long queues begin to snake around the block far into the night.



I receive, as you might imagine, sackfulls of letters asking for advice of one sort or another. Naturally I hurl most of them into the wastepaper basket, but this one appealed to my innate sense of public duty. No more though please, as I am not a real doctor.


Dear Dr.Guano,

I was recently approached by a very attractive well dressed man who claimed he was a relative of Ferdinand IV of Sweden. He said he could offer me security and a happy prosperous life in Scandinavia with my own herd of reindeer and an Ikea Gold Card. Should I tell my husband, or just go?

Calamari Taliban



Dear Calamari

Men, as a rule, are fiendishly jealous creatures. Your poor husband will undoubtedly misinterpret your present dilemma as some sort of threat to his fragile manhood. Be gentle with him. Tell him you are popping out for some chips, and don't come back. It will be better this way.



The organisers of the Upper Dicker Autumn Village Féte have asked us to clarify a typographical error which appeared in their ad a couple of issues ago. Angry parents boycotted the traditional fair, after its flyers and posters erroneously invited visitors thus; "Whilst you sample a few flagons of  Superstocious, Upper Dicker's famous extra strong cider, why not leave your children at the Christmas Creche where they will be entertained by Uncle Frankie and his Ukranian Glove Puppets, The Hilarious Stilt Walkers of Herstmonceux, Marcel’s Animal Balloons and Face Punching".

Sausage life!