Bird Guano’s


The column which employs an infinite amount of monkeys but has only one typewriter


MYSELF: A very happy and preposterous 2023 to you and all the other readers.

READER: Both of them? Haha! And the same to you! How was your Hogmanay?

MYSELF:  The same as always. 6 hours of New Year’s Eve bagpipe practice followed by a kilted yoga session until midnight when I toasted in the new year with a glass or two of McGinty’s Goat fortified elderberry wine. At 2-30am I took my customary 5 kilometre swim in the sea, followed by a naked run to Upper Dicker and back.

READER: Naked? Brrrrr! That must have been painfully cold.

MYSELF: Not in the least.  I took the precaution of covering myself in goose fat left over from the Christmas roast potatoes. Did you make your new year resolutions?

READER: Naturally, the same ones I always make, namely:
1. Give up gambling
2. No more putty
3. Stop going to Hull
4. Drink
5. Fags
6. Etc, etc

4 and 5 are already broken by the way, along with etc, etc

Jolly well done! Here's a little summing up of the past year's cultural events.

READER: Hoorah!



The September reopening of legendary Cockmarlin venue The Cat’s Pyjama redesigned in the Sunderland style by installation artist Bandy Sponk, was the event to be seen at, featuring as it did the reformed and much missed Imaginary Chairleg.  With original guitarist Tit Bingo at the helm and children of the original road crew, the band powerhoused their way through a 3 minute version of their 1997 chart-topping hiphop crossover anthem Drive By Shouting, before handing over to DJ MC Squaid, whose unique blend of Psychotic Garage and Plantaginet Plainsong challenged even the most enthusiastic dancers. Regrettably the venue closed its doors the following week after the proprieter disappeared with the owner of the cake shop next door


Many people wrongly suppose that professional footballers are stupid, and barely able to string two clichés together, however I cannot recommend this book highly enough. Footballer’s Names for Children, was written by goalkeeping wizard Reg Trubshaw of Etchingham Moths FC, who is currently serving life in Chiddingly Secure Institution for biting off an opponent’s ear and eating it. 

Life? Today’s namby-pamby pink-booted footballers don’t know they are born! When I was a lad we played soccer underwater, in deep-sea diving suits, with itchy woollen underwear, and lead boots. The referee and linesmen were heavily armed and officiated from a miniature submarine. The spectators in the cheaper seats who couldn’t afford scuba equipment had to hold their breath for 90 minutes plus injury time. On the other hand, it certainly comes to something when an innocent cannibal going about his unlawful business can be banged up in Broadmoor.

Thank you for your invaluable interruption, perhaps we can discuss this on another occasion. Meanwhile here are Reg’s top ten footballer’s children’s names:-

BOYS: Calfstrain, Cruciate, Ebola, Hamstring, Asbo, Nutmeg, Groin, Asteroid, Squidgame.

GIRLS: Tapestry, Caramel, Rapunzel, Marmalade, Rubella, Lividia, Wah-Wah, Handbag, Adultery.



Swedish TV critic Lars Vegas highlights some of the spectacular failures of 2022 including: Date Nights Gone Wrong, Strictly Come Lion Taming, Bust That Bra and the controversial Tatto My Sack



Director Epiphany Wildebeeste’s fly on the wall documentary about Hastings inventor professor Gordon Thinktank scored high with viewers, particularly the section on the  inventions that didn’t make the grade for one reason or the other such as: Unperforated teabags for people who don’t like tea.

The umbrella he designed for superstitious people which, when connected to the internet, will not open indoors.

Less fattening chips made from foam and seaweed which can also be used as packing when posting delicate pottery.

Numberless maths for arithmophobics and silent bagpipes for the blind never got past the blueprint stage.

There were runaway successes of course, like Scrof, the imitation dandruff crystals for embarressed toupee wearers, (£19.99 per kilo, enough for 10 toupées or 3 full wigs) or for those awkward acquaintances who love sushi and barbecues, Gordon’s Flameproof Fish (£29.99 per family sized shoal). One highlight featured Ex-England and Yorkshire Test bore Geoffrey Boycott praising Thinktank’s ingenious revolving steam-powered bat with a gas boiler in the hollow handle which also serves as a hand warmer for playing cricket in cold climates.


Hastings & St Leonards Warriors FC’s new signing Angus Doppleganger from AC Daffodil made an instant impression in the boxing day match against Upper Dicker Macaroons, when he felled big centre back Bill Noone with a clever upper cut followed by a kick in the groin area whilst the referee was having a smoke.



Did you get one of these seasonal letters from the middle class friends you met once at a dinner party and to whom you mistakenly handed over your address?
Dear Fill in name here,
It seems an age since we saw you, so as its Christmas we thought we'd drop you a line. The geese are mating this fall, and Howard has his first tooth, although its coming through the sole of his foot (perhaps he'll be a mountaneer!) Poor child. Talking about coincidences, about a week ago Ralph and I had a serious discussion about our financial situation, and right after we decided to take all our money out of cocaine and put it into prostitution, Kylie went on a school trip to Okeefanookee Swamp and never came back. Sure we'll miss her, but Ralph started right away converting her room into a small discreet brothel along the lines of the Cat House in Nevada. To think he has a degree in tree psychiatry! Season's greetings

(Fill in name here), and here's hoping that one day you will be as wealthy as us!
Celia & Ralph,

The Hassocks,
Long Island





Sausage Life!




Classic 2Os German Expressionist film about a strange spanner-worshipping cult

The Tree Huggers - Colin Gibson • Emmet Ives • Anita Makris
click for video


When added to your weekly wash, new formula Botoxydol, with Botulinim Toxin A, will guarantee youthful, wrinkle-free clothes.

Take years off your smalls with Botoxydol!


"...Somewher between Viv Stanshall's Bonzo Dog Band, Penguin Café Orchestra and Frank Zappa"

- Alan Dearing, International Times

Vote For Countryside Alliance

by The Hunt Cult. Click for video


"Sometimes you just need a tool that doesn't do anything"



guano poundhammer

From the album Domestic Bliss

click images for video