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TRUMPFLER UNVEILS REPUBLICAN ELECTION POSTER

Bird Guano's

SAUSAGE LIFE

The column whose bumper sticker says “Honk if you’re a Canadian Goose”

READER: At last, the football’s back.

MYSELF: Anything to get away from Olympics

READER: Oh come now, even a cynic like you can appreciate the Olympian ideal, admire the Davidian form can’t you?

MYSELF: It’s not the Olympian ideal or Davidian form that gives me the mental runs, it’s the uber-narcissistic dedication, the intellectual tunnel vision, and the sheer terrifying dullness of the professional athlete. I would rather cut my own head off with a bread knife than spend five interminable minutes being bored by a pole vaulter.

READER: Well it’s the Paranormal games next.

MYSELF: I never saw that coming. I’ll take the money Michael.

READER: Pardon?

MYSELF: It’s a catch phrase from a 1960s TV quiz show called Take Your Pick, where a man called Michael Miles gave you a box, then offered you money for the key to the box.

READER Why?

MYSELF: Well, you could take the money or open the box.

READER: I’ve lost you.

MYSELF: And you didn’t know what was in the box, so might win something nice or a booby prize.

READER: Booby? Prize? I simply haven’t a clue what you’re on about.

MYSELF: Here’s a short video which might help you understand.

MILES: 50p

CONTESTANT: No thank you Michael

MILES: £2

CONTESTANT: No thank you Michael

MILES: £4

CONTESTANT: No thank you Michael

MILES: £10 then

CONTESTANT: No thank you Michael

MILES: Ten lovely British pounds sterling

CONTESTANT: No thank you Michael I’ll open the box

MILES: Two lovely crispy spendable blue ones, smooth not crinkly like some you get. This is the real stuff. Ten quid! Look at it! Two fivers! Be still my beating heart!

CONTESTANT: No thank you Michael I’ll open the box

MILES: Smell it! Don’t you want it?

CONTESTANT: I want to open the box Michael

MILES: £20 then

CONTESTANT: No thank you

MILES: £30

CONTESTANT: No

MILES: £30? You’re really turning that down?

CONTESTANT: Yes

MILES: £30? Really?

CONTESTANT: I want that box

MILES: £40

CONTESTANT: No

MILES: FIFTY

CONTESTANT: No

MILES: One hundred pounds!

CONTESTANT: No… Box.

MILES: Are you mad? £100?

CONTESTANT: Box please!

MILES: Jim, look look look… Tell you what I’ll do, give me that key. Take this £100, and the rest of what’s in my wallet, £500, here it is. And my car keys, top o’ the range BMW, and front door key to my house, help yourself. Go on pop over, the wife’s a bit of alright, big tits huge bum bored stiff, likes a bit of the old rumpy pumpy, there you go.

CONTESTANT: I’d like to open the box Michael

MILES: He definitely wants to open that box ladies and gentlemen.

AUDIENCE: Open the box!

MILES: And who am I to argue? I’m going to give you the key Jim lad. Now what box number was it?

CONTESTANT: 12 Michael. Box number twelve

MILES: Number 12 that’s right. Lets have a look in box number 12.

SOUND OF KEY OPENING BOX

MILES: Oh!

Miles grabs Jim by the shoulders and manoevers him to face camera.

MILES: Turn around Jim that's right. Are you married?

CONTESTANT: Yes

MILES: Is the wife here?

CONTESTANT: Yes

MILES: Do you drive Jim?

CONTESTANT: Drive? A car? No! I mean I can drive but at the moment I don’t …..

MILES: How about a boat?

CONTESTANT: A boat? Ha ha! I’ve always fancied a……….

MILES:Where do you live Jim?

CONTESTANT: Coventry

MILES: Coventry. That’s in the midlands

CONTESTANT: That’s right Michael

MILES: Nowhere near the coast!

CONTESTANT: Unfortunately not

MILES: Jim, what if you could drive your boat attached to the back of your car all the way from Coventry to your very own little weekend hideaway nestling in a little smugglers cove on the English Riviera, Cornwall?

CONTESTANT: Cornwall? Oh my God

MILES: With a detached double garage…..

CONTESTANT: OH MY GOD

MILES: ……containing a ROBOT MOWER that mows the lawn while you’re inside getting drunk!

CONTESTANT: Pinch me, I’m dreaming!

MILES: Yes you are dreaming Jim. It’s a tin of peas.

CONTESTANT: A tin?

MILES: Jim, you’ve just won tonight’s booby prize…A tin of peas! Garden peas though, which I personally prefer to processed any day! Lets give him a big hand folks!

Take your pick is brought to you by Green Valley Peas, Greener than the day they were plucked.

READER: Everything’s so much clearer now.

TRUMPFLER HITS BACK

After the appearance of Kamala Harris at the Democrat Convention, President Donald Trumpfler, accompanied by running mate Pestan Vance appeared at an impromtu invitation-only press conference held at the Walt Disney detention centre in Florida to announce the formal launch of the new-look Donald Trumpfler Perpetual Republican Party. During a rousing speech in which he sported his trademark ear patch and fearlessly ignored the normal protocols of grammar and punctuation, Mr. Trumpfler appealed to "the good ol' boys of Americkey" to help re-elect him in November so that he could "finish the job in Afghanistan and get on to some more modern countries".
STURM
When pressed by a middle-eastern journalist about the exact relationship between himself and disgraced UK Premier Liz Truss, Mr. Trumpfler appeared to get something stuck in his throat. After security restrained the snarling Vance for almost five minutes whilst he collected his thoughts he replied;. "You know, when it comes to performing wonders, no-one moves quite as mysteriously as The Lord, who has just instructed me to have you arrested under the patriot act."
DRANG
In a tear-filled emotional outburst, which left many hardened journalists weeping into their free champagne, the would-be President elect then went on to declare his undying love for British born Eva Farage, and his desire that they would one day "share a bunker together in a free and democratic dictatorship ruled by America".

JOE’S FARAGE

Speaking of frog-faced shit stirrers, former used car salesman and leader of the Reform School Party Nigel Farage MP has resurrected one of his desperate bids for attention, this time by stirring up antipathy towards women breast-feeding in public.

The ghastly fop, who obviously suffers from some kind of Oedipal complex due to being weaned too soon, had this to say: "Breasts, and their devilish assistants, nipples, are not for public display, and should be kept safely on the top shelf of newsagents where they rightfully belong, away from the prying eyes of easily led adolescents like myself and my friend Baron Herr Trumpfelstein.

READER: I was still being breast fed in public at 18 months, and it never did me any harm.

MYSELF: 18 months? That’s nothing. A friend of mine was still breast-feeding at the age of nine.

READER: From his father?

MYSELF: Ah, I see, point taken. Touché

DICTIONARY CORNER

Republican (v) To install a new landlord in a drinking tavern

Agaraphobia (n) - If your not in - you haven't got it

Tally ho (n) - a prostitute’s bill

WENDY WRITES
A selection from our agony aunt's recurring postbag of angst

CRICKET BALLS

Dear Wendy,
The whining hoards of unwashed liberal namby-pambies are wrong as usual. Public beheadings and the amputating of limbs have no bearing on whether or not an England XI should tour Saudi Arabia. The predominently Sunni arabs are practically strangers to the game of cricket, and play with a tennis ball. Saudi wickets tend to be very sandy with small dunes dotted around the boundary, and free roaming camels which interfere with play. Under these circumstances, our high order batsmen are odds on to rack up a huge score, thus restoring the English team to it's rightful position as fourth best in the world, Are we to allow a few human rights abuses to prevent our great sporting ambassadors from bringing British decency and democracy to a country which, let's face it, still supports the abolition of slavery?

R.Kilroy-Silk (no relation)
Brussels

CROICPOT

Dear Wendy,
I saw in the paper the other day where Gerry Adams the Irish Republican spokesmansperson was quoted as saying that he "had great difficulty passing a bookshop". I don't doubt it - most nutritionists, be they of Loyalist or Republican persuation, would seriously question the wisdom of eating one in the first place. Doctors have warned for many years that the binding on hardback novels can remain in the lower abdominal tract for several months. Art catalogues and old car manuals in particular are notoriously difficult to digest, and can often cause serious stomach disorders if not chewed properly. This may result in memorabilia of the bowel, chronic paraphernalia and sudden death. As far as eating the bookshop itself is concerned - that would depend very much upon the building materials used in it's construction, but in the long run it is advisable to stick to the government recommended diet of raw pricilla, goat's cheese, and alfalfa.

Prof. E. Tojam
Dept of Nutrician
Hartlepool Anal Retention Centre
Dublin University

Sausage Life!

Against all odds, The Huggers, a poor Irish immigrant family rise to the top in 19th century America

Rarely-seen 2Os German Expressionist film about a strange spanner-worshipping cult

JESUS WANTS ME FOR A SUN READER aka PASS THE INSTANT YOGA

JACK POUND

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CHEMTRAILS ON MY MIND
MORT J SPOONBENDER

On September 11th 1958, José Popacatapetl, a retired tree psychologist who's father was head gardener for the CIA during the cold war, was hitchiking through the Alberqueque desert when he was picked up by a black sedan driven by J Edgar Hoover's ex-boyfriend André Pfaff head of FBI underhand operations and extra-terrestrial banking who once worked as a quantum mechanic for the KGB under the direct orders of the zombie reincarnation of Josef Stalin whose mummified corpse was stored in a secret bunker in the basement of the Vatican.

Vote For Countryside Alliance

A party political Broadcast by The Hunt Cult.

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THE SENIOR MOMENTS

SEE THEIR LAST GREAT PERFORMANCE ON THE THE PERRY COMO SHOW 1959

POISON PEOPLE

By Guano Poundhammer

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Video from the album Domestic Bliss

SUPERCALIFUCKINGFRAGIFUCKINGLISTICEXPIALIFUCKINGDOCIOUS

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PODCASTS: ALICE'S CRAZY MOON

EPISODE1:
Travel & transportation

EPISODE2:
Body Parts

EPISODE 3:
Telephones

EPISODE 4:
Economics

EPISODE 5:
Misheard Lyrics

EPISODE 6:
MILK

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Alice's Crazy Moon is an offbeat monthly podcast hosted by Alice Platt (BBC, Soho Radio) with the help of roaming reporter Bird Guano a.k.a Colin Gibson (Comic Strip Presents, Sausage Life). Each episode centres around a different topic chosen by YOU the listener! The show is eclectic mix of music, facts about the artists and songs, surrealistic sponsors, Bird Guano's phone-in and of course, Poetry Corner featuring everyones favourite poet, Big Pillow!

NB: IF YOU DO NOT HAVE A PAID SUBSCRIPTION TO SPOTIFY, THE SONGS WILL BE OF RESTRICTED LENGTH

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‘Watching Paint Die’ EP by Girl Bites Dog is out now and available wherever you rip off your music.

Made entirely without the assistance of AI, each listen is guaranteed to eliminate hair loss, cure gluten intolerance and stop your cat from pissing in next door's garden.

Photo credit: Alice's Dad (circa 2000)

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