SAUSAGE LIFE

READER: So what if I do I prefer my soccer to be 90 minutes of angry violent male ego-powered warfare conducted with extreme prejudice by uber-rich morons?

READER: Yuk. What happened to the concept of fair play and may the best person win?

READER: I think you’ll find all of that vanished shortly after centre forward Alabaster Tipperary of Herstmonceaux Cannibals FC became the first professional soccer player when he was transferred to Cockmarlin Thunderbolts for a fee of fifteen shillings in 1865

ART NOOSE

The controversial Geordie performance artist Aiye Waiaye has declared that art is dead. The Inedible String Band, his latest gallery installation at The Upper Dicker Cube consists of a series of TikTok reels featuring Dominic Raab wearing baggy trousers and a hoodie performing his salutary rap song I’m innocent:

i’m innocent

It was not me

it was another sucker

Just another out o’ lucker

It was not me

It was a spear chucker,

A long distance trucker

A cross-dressing chicken plucker

Hear my plea

set me free

it was not me

it was another motherfucker

POLITICS

Prime Ministers Questions from Westminster

MR SPEAKER: Ms Pamela Thicke, Conservative, Cowes

Ms THICKE: First of all may I congratulate the Prime Minister on being married to a woman.

OPPOSITION BENCHES: Where’s the Bloke?

MR SPEAKER: Ordaaar!

Ms. THICKE: Will the Prime Minister agree with me that Rwanda, like The Marshall Islands, is a country far far away to the south and much farther away than, say, the Isle of Wight, which many of my constituents tell me is ideally situated for the incarceration of these troublesome foreign boat people?

SUNAK: I’m very grateful to the right honourable lady and congratulate her for all her selfless work conducted in the important field of comparative geographical locations at her constituency of Cowes, lying as it does approximately 4000 miles north west of Rwanda’s capital, Kigali. On the question of The Marshall Islands, may I say that as far as the distance from Westminster goes, and as our friend the crow, or Corbus-corbus flies, that it is indeed very far away indeed.....

TORY BENCHES: Hear hear!

SPEAKER: Ordaaar!

Ms THICKE: Mr Speaker, my constituency on the Isle of Wight, nestling in the Solent and reminiscent of the gleaming island of Elba, where the great Napoleon holidayed in the heady summer of 1814, is not only closer than Rwanda but is a BRITISH territory, entirely free from deadly spiders and requiring neither blue passport nor one of those hats with dangling corks to keep the flies off.

MR SPEAKER: Sir Kier Starmer

GARFIELD WANDERLUST MP: Show us your bum!

OPPOSITION BENCHES: Baaaaa! Baaaa!

SPEAKER: Orr-orrr-orr ordaaaaar! If the right honorable member for Hull wishes to amuse this house perhaps he would be better off removing his trousers and reminding us how much we miss the very BRITISH art of understatement. Sir Kier Starmer

SIR KIER STARMER: Thank you Mr. Speaker. Many of my constituents are writing to me...

RT HON AUGUSTUS RAMBUNK MP: (to ribald laughter) “Are they still writing things? Show us your bum!”

MR SPEAKER: Orrrrrr darrr! Perhaps the right hon member for Hartlepool has become disorientated since being in the big city? Let me assure him that if he continues in this vein his ordeal will very soon be over because in no time at all he will be back behind the red wall, reminiscing with his unemployed constituents about how they used to build Japanese cars and pretend they were ships, or perhaps proposing the reintroduction of capital punishment for monkeys…Sir Kier

SIR KIER STARMER: thank you Mr. Speaker. Let me rephrase the question more simply, since the party opposite appears unable to understand it. Would the Prime Minister like to explain to the house exactly where the Marshall Islands are located, particularly in relation to their chief export, Pearl Barley, a vital ingredient in the production of the traditional Scottish haggis?

SUNAK: Here we go.

TORY BENCHES: “here we go here we go here we go”....

SPEAKER: Orrrrder! Any more of this and I shall get my accordion! Mr Sunak has embarked on a long journey and must be permitted to arrive at his destination with or without the required documents. Prime Minister

SUNAK: Thank you Mr. Speaker. The leader of the party opposite clearly has no idea that the oceans of the Southern Hemisphere are home to countless species of fish. Many of them, such as the Giant Hogfish are unfamiliar on our high streets, yet are extraordinarily delicious,. How then can he expect the British public to gallop blindly, like the 600 fishermen, into the valley of death, cod to the left of them, haddock to the right, whilst he and his neo -Marxist cohorts bicker about the location of some foreign archipelago of which no one has heard?

SIR KIER STARMER: Let me put it another way Mr. Speaker. Since the Prime Minister is so familiar with oceanic topography, could he explain why certain groups of islands cling tenaciously to the wave-lashed far north-western coast of Scotland, whereas many others of a similar size are situated hundreds or even thousands of miles to the south in warm agreeable climates?

SUNAK: Once more Mr Speaker, the leader of the opposition attempts to pull the wool over the electorate’s eyes by claiming that his party, which, I would remind you, voted recently for the abolition of Scotland, would be well advised to consider that nation’s position not only as the mighty engine of the international haggis industry, but also its close proximity to the sun dappled uplands of this green and pleasant Jerusalem of a sceptered isle we call Albion.

TORY BENCHES: (singing): God save our gracious King...

OPPOSITION BENCHES: (singing): Knees up Gordon Brown...

MR SPEAKER: (playing accordion) “And did those feet…”

DICTIONARY KORNER:

Hamas (n) tools used by Geordie carpenters (see also spannas, glew, tyape meshas)

CANNIBAL NEWS

A resurgance of the ancient custom of killing and eating those found guilty of of breaking and entering is beginning to concern the Bornean authorities. A Government spokesman said; "The average weight of Borneans has risen dramatically over the last two years, and there is a direct correlation between the consumption of burglars and the increase in obesity levels. We are not saying stop eating burglars. As long as they are consumed as part of a healthy balanced diet containing nuts, grubs, monkey spleen and tiger penis, there is no cause for public concern. The problem for certain sectors of the population is that this kind of food can become addictive. Some people are faking burglaries just so they can eat their neighbours."

Sausage Life!

EPISODE 1:
Travel & transportation

EPISODE 2:
Body Parts

EPISODE 3:
Telephones

EPISODE 4:
Economics

EPISODE 5:
Misheard Lyrics

Click image to connect. Alice's Crazy Moon is an offbeat monthly podcast hosted by Alice Platt (BBC, Soho Radio) with the help of roaming reporter Bird Guano a.k.a Colin Gibson (Comic Strip Presents, Sausage Life). Each episode centres around a different topic chosen by YOU the listener! The show is eclectic mix of music, facts about the artists and songs, surrealistic sponsors, Bird Guano's phone-in and of course, Poetry Corner featuring everyones favourite poet, Big Pillow!

NB: IF YOU DO NOT HAVE A PAID SUBSCRIPTION TO SPOTIFY, THE SONGS WILL BE OF RESTRICTED LENGTH