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"BRING IT ON" SAYS HEGSETH

Bird Guano’s
SAUSAGE LIFE
The column which now employs students who do it all on Chat Gpt in about ten minutes

READER: No! Is that true?

MYSELF: Every word.

READER: But I’m not AI, I am me.

MYSELF: How do you know?

READER: Because this is obviously me. I mean I think I would recognize my own voice!

MYSELF: Really? As a fictional character I normally decide what you sound like but now I’ve got some smart young people doing it with AI, so the effect is more or less exactly the same as before, except a bit more artificially intelligent.

READER: Artificially intelligent? How dare you! Do you really think your readers wouldn’t spot that?

MYSELF: Not with today’s superfast fibre broadband AI they wouldn’t. For instance everything in this column is now generated by artificial intelligence, including myself.

READER: So I’m not even talking to you?

MYSELF: Not only that, but it’s not even you who’s not even talking to me.

US PUBLIC EXECUTION WILL SAVE POWER SAYS TRUMP

In 1995 Pistachio Guacamole, an assistant tightrope walker from Albuquerque was sentenced to die by lethal injection after being arrested for dropping a Chicken McNugget carton in the street. After 30 years on death row, his appeal has been cancelled says Carlton Smallcock, Donald Trump’s Secretary of Genocide, and Señor Guacamole will now be the first person to be terminated using Elon Musk's energy conserving SpaceXecute solar-powered electric chair. Netflix are scheduled to broadcast the pay-per-view special from Yankee Stadium on the first sunny day in July 2027. Live show tickets starting at $300 are expected to sell out within seconds.

TRAMSPHOBIA

Speaking at the Conservative Party Conference 26, Marx Harpo the shadow minister for conspiracy theories has announced that after the Tories win the next election, any Labour councillers supporting plans to install affordable public tram systems will face jail. During a fringe meeting of the Tory thinktank Preparing for a More Acceptable Type of Cruelty he claimed: “Like the meat tax and VAT on men’s trousers, this looks like being yet another giant lurch to the left for these Marxist-style gender bending Islamist controlled councils”. Adjusting his megaphone he went on, “Some of these cities already have plans drawn up to make living in them much more pleasant, effectively imprisoning people in their own homes like chinese communists.”

After a debauched fascist-themed party to celebrate the end of conference, Mr Harpo, dressed as Benito Musselini, retired to his hotel room with his private secretary the former Italian mezzo-soprano Bella Mozzerella where he managed to tweet this poem just before lapsing into unconsciousness:

No more fags
Or men in drag
Or Marxist bans on
Vintage Jags

There’ll be no chance
Of immigrants
Arriving here in
Boats from France

Don’t be a wuss
Or make a fuss
About the lack
Of train or bus
For Bad-Enoch

In iron frock

And strap-on cock
has deemed it thus.

FISTICUFF NEWS

Rumour has it that champion boxer Typhoon Anger, the raging china-shop bull, is to take part in a virtual grudge bout with Portnoy Combover, the cage fighter and social media influencer who has ten million followers on X. The fight will take place in the virtual cloud using AI generated avatars and will be broadcast on Sky pay-per-view at 20 bitcoins per ticket. Unlimited gambling and highly processed fat ‘n sugar McSnacks will be available via top German home delivery service Überessen.

Anger’s manager Georgiou Falafal speaking to us from his £3m luxury gypsy caravan parked in a dogging lay-by in Harlesden said: “Let’s face it, the virtual Combover doesn’t stand a chance against Typhoon’s avatar. Its right hook is like a Heckler & Koch automatic sub machine gun loaded with tiny boxing gloves, each one containing a miniature lead horseshoe. His footwork is just a blur, like Rudolph Nureyev on crystal meth doing a pas de deux with Michael Jackson.”

Opponent Portnoy Combover was holidaying in Casablanca with Davide, his French-Moroccan corner boy where we managed to speak via Zoom with his agent, TV florist Malcolm Greaseball.

“Everyone is gunning for Typhoon, but let me tell you this; even though my boy is 57 and overweight, with just one win out of 300 fights, his avatar is still only 24, more unpredictable than a Chinese tin opener and capable of dazzling bursts of speed which have been described as ‘like a Zimmermann’s gazelle being pursued by a nuclear powered torpedo’. Mark my words, Combover will be no pushover.”

According to promoter Bertie Wormhole, virtual boxing is going to go ‘globally massive’ after this showcase bout. “The boxers love it, they can eat rubbish and drink as much beer as they like. Rigorous skipping, chafing gumshields, girly satin shorts and cauliflower ears will become a thing of the past. Best of all they will be able to work from home in their underpants like everyone else.”

HOROSCOPE

With 2026 being the Chinese year of the scollop, we are proud to announce the engagement of Mystical Geisha Wei Huang-Foo as the curator of October’s astrological forecast.

Hello! Coming year will be kind to goats, monkeys and all zoo creatures except snakes, and full of life achievements. April and May should be spent indoors in case of lunar-year leap-frog mishap with trousers. July & August rhyme with nothing, so good luck for farmers and travelling salesmen. Beware of monkeys.” - WHF

Capricorn (22 December-20 January) Rising sign of Jupiter will meet falling sign of giant bicycle. Train travel on 12th will fail to surprise. In case of luminous party shorts, wear yellow.

Aquarius (21 January-19 February) October’s Carolina moon in conjunction with Pasta sign will bring soft furnishings. Drink plenty of sea water in case of boat capsizing.

Pisces (20 February-20 March) Unexpected tofu refund may alleviate finances, causing neighbour envy. Sudden bat infestation may crash car on 23rd.

Aries (21 March-20 April) October’s swollen river may engulf house as Taurus retreats before cusping. Speak with fork tongue if batteries not included.

Taurus (21 April-21 May) Saggitarious is your escalator, stalked by angry Pluto. Late atomic plan could precipitate money unhappiness. August moon stimulates fond memories of a misplaced relative

Gemini (22 May-21 June) A houseboat brings good fortune, although water danger. Big job with company perhaps? Or unexpected fire dragon ghost. Tiger Penis gives health news for doctor advice.

Cancer (22June 23 July) Magic police chalk will fix mental potholes. Avoid small Italian window cleaners.

Leo (24 July-23 August) Stop! Remember that changing lightbulbs takes many Leos. Stay in dark until help arrives.

Virgo (24 August-23 September) With Mercury underwater, very important for Virgo to keep goldfish on the 28th. A periscope under the bed will repel chipmunks.

Libra (24 September-23 October) This is always a difficult time for those born under the weighing machine sign. On one side is monkey, on the other, goat. To eliminate goat, press A and C buttons with togetherness, and illuminate screen motivation map. Next, scroll with map signature until pop-up will show yearning to be instructed. Select Yes and No under Why? button, and screen will give hospitality for entry and vanquishing of goat.

Scorpio (24 October-23 November) Good news for Scorpio! Remember to recycle pockets and Lottery ticket may bring luck if not left in laundry.

Saggitarius (24 November-21 December) Surprise for Saggitarians this month when police arrive to take away faulty garden hose instead of armed burglars.

Sausage Life!

Against all odds, a poor Irish immigrant family rise to the top in 19th century America

Rarely-seen 2Os German Expressionist film about a strange spanner-worshipping cult

JESUS WANTS ME FOR A SUN READER aka PASS THE INSTANT YOGA

JACK POUND

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CHEMTRAILS ON MY MIND
MORT J SPOONBENDER

On September 11th 1958, José Popacatapetl, a retired tree psychologist who's father was head gardener for the CIA during the cold war, was hitchiking through the Alberqueque desert when he was picked up by a black sedan driven by J Edgar Hoover's ex-boyfriend André Pfaff head of FBI underhand operations and extra-terrestrial banking who once worked as a quantum mechanic for the KGB under the direct orders of the zombie reincarnation of Josef Stalin whose mummified corpse was stored in a secret bunker in the basement of the Vatican.

Vote For Countryside Alliance

A party political Broadcast by The Hunt Cult.

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THE SENIOR MOMENTS

SEE THEIR LAST GREAT PERFORMANCE ON THE THE PERRY COMO SHOW 1959

POISON PEOPLE

By Guano Poundhammer

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Video from the album Domestic Bliss

SUPERCALIFUCKINGFRAGIFUCKINGLISTICEXPIALIFUCKINGDOCIOUS

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ATTENZIONE!

‘Watching Paint Die’ EP by Girl Bites Dog is out now and available wherever you rip off your music.

Made entirely without the assistance of AI, each listen is guaranteed to eliminate hair loss, cure gluten intolerance and stop your cat from pissing in next door's garden.

Photo credit: Alice's Dad (circa 2000)

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