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PILLAGE PEOPLE - DEMOCRACY GOES WEST

Bird Guano’s

SAUSAGE LIFE

The column which employs an infinite amount of monkeys but has only one typewriter

READER: You look a trifle cheesed off, what’s up?

MYSELF: I am and so would you be. Last week, after a year-long spat with the council's Sinks & Drains department over my malfunctioning U-bend, I received this long overdue reply. Have a look:

Dear Mr. Guano,
this is to inform you that as of 31st July 2026, the department hitherto known as the Department of Sinks & Drains will officially amalgamate with the department formerly known as The Public Highways & Residents Parking Permits Department. Henceforth, all present employees of the former departments will be joint employees of the amalgamated department, which will be known as The Department of Public Highways, Sinks, Residents Parking Permits & Drains.

From July 31st 2026, any sink or drain not conforming to new departmental standards will be towed away. Similarly, every car, omnibus or horse drawn vehicle will be subject to stringent new parking regulations based on aqueous density at sea-level. Taxicabs, buses, bicycles and ride-on lawnmowers will be exempt.
All sinks using the public highway, including bathroom basins and kitchen sinks but excluding horse troughs must display warning flags (front and rear) and travel on the pavement.
Drains, stand pipes and sewerage conduits will have the same rights as articulated lorries and trams, except where they can be shown to be a danger to pedestrians.
All motor vehicles over 1000cc shall be equipped with proper diving boards and have a lifeguard on duty at all times during school holidays.

Bathtubs, shower units, sprinkler systems, bidets, Jacuzzis and saunas may park free of charge in the town centre between 6pm and 8am.

I hope this information has been of some assistance. Should you require further information please reply to this letter.

Sincerely,  

R.Mutt
 Chief consultant liaison officer,
Amalgamationary Tactical Thinktank Focus Group, 
Rasputin House,  Upper Dicker.

READER: What's the position on mobility scooters?

MYSELF: They will have to be fitted with hot and cold taps, and a proper overflow facility.

YOU MUST BE WOKING

Are YOU unpopular? Fed up with being labelled a Non-Lol Troll? – Next time you go out, make new friends with one of our PC-guaranteed jokes, which incorporate the very latest in post-ironic modernism for the new zeitgeist.

Joke 1.
An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman are shipwrecked on a desert island, with no food, water or shelter. After three days, the Irishman comes running up to the others with a beautiful brass lamp he has found washed up on the shore. Excited, the three men rip off their improvised loincloths and begin frantically polishing the lamp but apart from a producing dazzling shine, nothing happens. Within a week all three are dead.

Joke 2.
A lion walks into a crowded bar and orders five large scotches and three pints of beer. In the ensuing panic, several customers are fatally trampled. The lion downs all the drinks, eats the barman, and despite being drunk, manages to beat two terrified regulars at pool before being fatally shot by police marksmen.

Riddle
Q: How many unicorns does it take to change a light bulb?

A: There is no evidence for the existence of the unicorn and even if there were, the cloven hooves and lack of an apposite thumb would make it extremely difficult to even pick up a light bulb, let alone change it.

POLICE CALLED TO COMB INCIDENT

Several police vans were called out to attend a violent incident involving two bald men in an Upper Dicker town centre bar last Friday. East Sussex chief of Police Hydra Gorgon described the affray to our crime reporter Moira Clam, “According to witnesses the two bald men were heard arguing in the back bar of the Blighted Potato, an Upper Dicker public house known as a hotbed of political debate. The cause of the dispute became clear after armed officers arrived and brought the situation under control”. Inspector Gorgon apologised as she paused briefly to field a request for a cab, which accidentally came through on her tunic radio. “As is so often the case in confrontations involving bald men,” she continued, “a comb was produced, which was alleged to have been the catalyst for the brawl".
Soon after uniformed officers handcuffed the suspects and bundled them into a police van, detectives arrived to secure the scene and remove the comb, which was carefully sealed in a plastic bag and locked up in the evidence room. “I appeal to anyone who attended the Blighted Potato that night”, added the inspector, “or even those who may have actually stayed at home but would fancy coming to court and just making stuff up, to contact Upper Dicker Constabulary ASAP".

FOOD
OVER THE TOP?
Le Gaz Moutarde, yet another themed "pop-up" eatery, this time based on 1914-18 trench warfare, is set to open in the old bomb shelter underneath the catacombs of St Bodolph’s Church of the Presumptious Assumption, Upper Dicker. Top chef André Ribbentrop will host the restaurant which will feature barbed wire, simulated landmines and real mud. Pre-opening security was high, but during testing of the piped background ambience of machine gun fire and explosions, I managed to tunnel in and photograph this menu with my miniature spy-camera.

LE GAZ MOUTARDE • A LA CARTE MENU

ENTRÉE

Assasine d’Archduke Ferdinand avec Repercussions pour Le Monde.

PLAT PRINCIPALE
Bœuf Quagmire, served in a pungent sauce boue with a sizzling sidecar of Guerre à la mitrailleuse

Après le Déluge - Attrapé un Rongeur or Cheval Décimé served with Special Fried Rice (Rice with Species)  or Fecal Fried Rice (Rice with Feces) 

Trenchfoot Surprise - Blackened Toes with pan fried extract of staphylococcus and stuffed poppies, served with roast bacilli and scurvy.

Hand-Grenaded Sea Bass served on a bed of morel mushrooms and asparagus, drizzled with cold pressed almond oil and finished with shaved truffles, Bartonella Quintana, mushy peas & chips.

LE DESSERT
Par-dessus le Haut with blood-curdling cream

Gingivitus a la mode

Double Amputée with Gangrene Sorbet

Coffee & ship's biscuits

Please Note: Management requires that customers wear the tin helmets provided whilst dining. Bloodless black pudding is available for Jehovah's Witnesses on request (24hrs notice required). Erotic sausages will be served free of charge on Canadian bank holidays. Closed Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday & Saturday. Not open Sundays

La vie saucisson!

Against all odds, a poor Irish immigrant family rise to the top in 19th century America

Rarely-seen 2Os German Expressionist film about a strange spanner-worshipping cult

JESUS WANTS ME FOR A SUN READER aka PASS THE INSTANT YOGA

JACK POUND

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CHEMTRAILS ON MY MIND
MORT J SPOONBENDER

On September 11th 1958, José Popacatapetl, a retired tree psychologist who's father was head gardener for the CIA during the cold war, was hitchiking through the Alberqueque desert when he was picked up by a black sedan driven by J Edgar Hoover's ex-boyfriend André Pfaff head of FBI underhand operations and extra-terrestrial banking who once worked as a quantum mechanic for the KGB under the direct orders of the zombie reincarnation of Josef Stalin whose mummified corpse was stored in a secret bunker in the basement of the Vatican.

Vote For Countryside Alliance

A party political Broadcast by The Hunt Cult.

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THE SENIOR MOMENTS

SEE THEIR LAST GREAT PERFORMANCE ON THE THE PERRY COMO SHOW 1959

POISON PEOPLE

By Guano Poundhammer

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Video from the album Domestic Bliss

SUPERCALIFUCKINGFRAGIFUCKINGLISTICEXPIALIFUCKINGDOCIOUS

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CAUTION

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ATTENZIONE!

‘Watching Paint Die’ EP by Girl Bites Dog is out now and available wherever you rip off your music.

Made entirely without the assistance of AI, each listen is guaranteed to eliminate hair loss, cure gluten intolerance and stop your cat from pissing in next door's garden.

Photo credit: Alice's Dad (circa 2000)

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