Bird Guano's

SAUSAGE LIFE

The column which asks: if subliminal ads are banned, why are subliminal disclaimers allowed?

MYSELF: You like jokes don’t you?

READER: Jokes? Me? Are you joking? Lol!  No seriously, I love a joke, I’m mad I am, bonkers! Ask anybody. Have you got a good one?

MYSELF: I certainly have. I only wrote this one yesterday, it’s a knockout knock-knock joke - would you like to be the first to hear hear it?

READER: Yes please! Knock Knock!

MYSELF: No, I say knock knock, you say who’s there?

READER: You say knock knock, I say who’s there…Got it!

MYSELF: Knock Knock!

READER: Come in!

MYSELF:  No… not come in - who’s there?

READER: Ah yes…….sorry, of course …who’s there?

MYSELF:  Net & Yar

READER: Net & Yar who?

MYSELF: Correct . Now get out, I’m giving your house to a settler.

READER: Eh?

MYSELF: Forget it.

AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE  FROM OUR NEW SPONSER

In response to hysterical letters from Reform School Party voters who, suffering from unregulated involuntary orgasms after the local council erections (sic), have requested that we drop the satirical, ironic tone of this column in favour of a more God–based approach in line with the general zeitgeist. We sincerely hope our readers will approve of this change and perhaps start to behave more like our new sponsors The Church of the Rising Son and their latest recruit, head chorister
The Reverend Russell Brand (whom ALMIGHTY GOD in his infinite wisdom, has forgiven).

Introduction by The Extremely Reverend Pastor Vivien Edmund Graula of The Church of the Rising Son (Upper Dicker)

HI!

First of all let me begin by saying Welcome on behalf of The Church of the Rising Son! And that goes double for Our Lord Jesus, (if he is logged on!)

FIRST THE BAD NEWS
I am afraid we have been evicted, (much like Adam & Eve in the Garden of Eden), from our headquarters in the disused crypt of Upper Dicker’s Chapel of the Presumptuous Assumption, which has been purchase by the Wetherspoons hospitality chain…(GOD often moves in mysterious ways!) But the GOOD NEWS is........we have been promised the use of the old bowling green pavilion in the town’s abandoned Armagedden Memorial Park. The pavilion was opened by Emperor Hirohito of Japan during his state visit in 1963 but sadly has deteriorated after being neglected and out of use since the gruesome axe murders of 1971.

FOSSIL FOOLS
So, introductions over, let’s get straight down to the NITTY GRITTY by tackling a few popular misconceptions surrounding the teachings of The Church of The Rising Son. Why don’t we start right at the beginning and see if we can crack that hoary old chestnut, Charles Darwin’s “theory” of so-called EVOLUTION? As you know, BATTY SCIENTISTS and LOONY ARCHEOLOGISTS have been trying for years to convince us all that ALMIGHTY GOD did NOT create us in His own Holy Image, and furthermore that we are all descended from apes (!!)  (QED Show me a monkey that can service a gas boiler!!)
These so-called thinktank geniuses also insist on perpetuating the creaky old DINOSAUR MYTH, but EXCUSE ME (!) - can any readers provide me with an answer to this simple rhetorical question: In any of the paintings of the time (and there are many), depicting Noah embarking on his famous rescue voyage after the flood DID YOU SPOT ANY DINOSAURS GETTING ON THE ARK?   
No, I didn't think so !!!

THE UNDISPUTABLE TRUTH
BRETHEREN, if Adam & Eve were alive today they'd be spinning in their graves. As any historian worth his pillar of salt will tell you, GOD created the world in SEVEN DAYS 5,000 years ago, and that is a well-documented fact.
During the holy infinity, before the beginning-time, there was just the KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, where all the ANGELS lived and where everything was free including meals and beverages, (much like today's Butlin's).At that time, up in The Kingdom of Heaven there were literally hundreds of things to see and do, and everyone was quite content and happy. In contrast, the situation down in you- know-where was quite different.
LUCIFER, (aka Beelzebub, aka The Unholy Prince of Darkness, aka David Icke) had the whole place pretty much to himself but the trouble was, with nothing to do, not even old magazines to read, the goat-headed emperor of sin soon became bored. Eventually he started SHOPLIFTING, began to DRINK HEAVILY, and eventually ended up on HARD DRUGS.
I think we all know what happened next… and that, to put it simply, is why we are now, all of us, living through the END-TIME.

YOU WAIT ALL DAY FOR A HORSEMAN THEN FOUR TURN UP AT ONCE…
Can there be any salvation for the unrepentent traveller?
Yes, because as we queue patiently at the terminus of doom, waiting for the arrival of coach number 666, (destination APOCALYPSE NOW!) what do we see hot on the heels of that unroadworthy vehicle of the cloven-hoofed beast but the immaculate HOLY BUS OF GOD with full service history and 12 months MOT! And if you want that bus to stop and welcome you aboard, you had better be ready to put your hand out for Jesus! Because let me assure you dear friends, as the day of The Great Rapture approaches, when our saviour THE LORD JESUS finally defeats THE GREAT BEAST in the shadow of the Valley of Armageddon, all of the UNBELIEVERS & HYPOCRITES of the earth shall be visited by biblical plagues of terrifying proportions which shall rent their garments and cause them to PERISH in unspeakable circumstances.

SWING LOW, SWEET CADDILLAC
When the end-times arrive, the saved, that is to say those of us who have cherished and followed the advice of Our Lord, will be transported by private limousine to The Kingdom of Heaven, where luxuriously appointed rooms have already been prepared for them by Chambermaid-Angels, who's duties include placing miniature bars of Cadbury's milk chocolate on each fluffy pink pillow.

AND DO YOU KNOW SOMETHING, DEAR FRIENDS?
During the Great Rapture, whilst I am being hoisted effortlessly upwards to my rightful place in The Promised Land, do you think I will shed a SINGLE TEAR for all those wicked unrepentant SINNERS and FORNICATORS? Do you think I will be troubled by the image of their TWISTED AND TORMENTED FACES as they writhe in agony covered in VOLCANIC LAVA and BOILS, prior to being taken down to begin their sentence of eternal damnation with no hope of parole?
NO, I WILL NOT.

THE SACRED ART
And that, my dear new friends is, in a nutshell, my message to all of you but before I go, let me remind you about the forthcoming exhibition of NON-DECADENT ART at the Church of The Rising Son Gallery. It is a retrospective of the work of uncontroversial Cock Marling deconstructionist The Reverend A Schicklegruber, and will feature examples from his Clothed Nudes series, including the rarely exhibited Woman in Pink Candlewick Dressing Gown Descending Staircase, which has been kindly loaned to the gallery by our latest disciple Russell Brand, who will be signing copies of his popular self-help book My Cocky-Wok.

FINAL THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
If the accursed GAMBLING game of BINGO went up to the number 1000, would the caller announce the ball labelled 666 as clickety-clickety-click, the number of the beast?
I think we should be told.

Bless you (not all of you, obviously), and Amen,
Pastor V E Graula
pp: Our Lord Jesus Christ Plc , Church of the Rising Son (Upper Dicker)

Sausage Life!