No. 161 October 10 2020


Bird Guano

The column which was expelled from a KKK meeting because it was wearing a mask


READER: Ho hum.

MYSELF: Ho hum indeed. And may I also add a muted, plaintive sigh, and a melancholy La-di-dah as I gaze longingly out of the window?

READER: Why not? Anything to relieve the boredom.

MYSELF: You can say that again.

READER: I mean, you can only watch Groundhog Day so many times.

MYSELF: Exactly.

READER: I mean, you can only watch Groundhog Day so many times

MYSELF: Exactly.



At auction recently I put in a successful bid for a job lot of WWI memorabilia. Amongst the gasmasks, ersatz cheese powder and benzedrine tablets, I discovered this touching letter, written to a loved one stationed at Ypres. and I thought I would share it with you.
"Dear Wilfred, I hope your trench is not too uncomfortable and that the Germans have stopped all that beastly gassing. Please find enclosed the brown trousers you requested, as well as 3 dozen tins of Coleman's mustard powder (what on earth do you do with it?), 1 dozen slices of imitation Spam, 1 packet Brown & Poulson's Yorkshire Pudding Flavoured Shoe Whitener, 1 tin of aggravated Radio Ham and some tongue sandwiches cut into triangles, with the crusts cut off. All is well at home. Aunt Irene is staying the weekend, as Uncle Frank has run off with a chorus girl and the Billy the budgie died after we lined its cage with asbestos in case of air raids. Little Tommy says hello dad, and if you do go over the top and get blown up by a land mine, can he have your fishing rod? Deidre at the greengrocers says don't worry it'll all be over by Christmas. Mum's the word, careless talk costs lives. Fondest love, Nancy."



Scandinavian psychics Lars Ongar & Rita Brevis will be taking a break from their world tour to appear at Porno Haiku the newly opened spiritualist auditorium in St Leonards. In the socially distanced event sponsored by Serco, and creative accountancy firm Howdy & Doody, the popular clairvoyant couple will perform all their old favourites like  guessing people’s names by reading their credit cards, contacting dead relatives via instagram and consulting the I-Ching using live chickens. Tickets are on sale at all branches of World of Spanners, or (at an exclusive discounted fan club rate), on the astral plane. The support act will be local mystic duo Mr.Sinistro & Maureen, who as well as doing mashed potato readings and tarot card massage, will be introducing the latest amphibious psychic sensation from Egypt, Eyeball Tooth, The All-Seeing Crocodile, who, from his spiritually-equipped vivarium,will pass messages to your deceased pets and give you hot racing tips .


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unqualified advice for the terminally confused

Global pandemic, liminal thinking, binary conspiracy terrorism - is humanity headed for extinction? Our ace cub reporter, white middle class Tunbridge Wells’ vegan rudeboy Shaka Lackaboom, aka Gingerboy, gave us his finger-on-the-pulse response.  “Hugh Manity? Eggs stink-shan? It's a know-brainer dood, gnome sane? Dem all comes from arter space innit? Check out Mister David Ike, dat guy in da uncool tracksuit. He nose all abart it bruv. It’s a conspiracy wid da Royal Family an da governmens and da Blackpool Illuminati. Dey is all newts or sumfin' innit? Just look at all da everdense dude, gnome sane? Gotta go, mum says ma tea is ready. Peace bruv.”  #shakalackaboom69.




In these troubled times it's so nice to hear from old friends. I was delighted to receive this letter (in the form of 88 tweets), from my dear school chum Donald J Trump (we went to Oxford and Cambridge together), whom I haven't seen since 2016:

Hey Bird!  Long time no see! I don't know about Great England, but we have a big problem over here with Corfveve19, a disease that Sloppy Joe Biden brought back from China in order to try and get me blamed so I wouldn't win the election. I even got it myself so I could show the people it didn't exist and there was nothing to worry about. After I win in November, everybody I don't like is going to jail.until we finally get rid of this Democrat Fake Flu. Are you still in Hastings? Melania says she loves haddock, whatever that is, and wants me to buy her a fishing fleet.

I told her that Hastings was famous not only for fish but also for kicking the asses of the Spanish Armada in1066 (Spain gave the world Mexicans by the way, which a lot of people don't know), and more importantly as the venue for The World Crazy Golf Championship. Once she realised that Scotland (one of my golf courses), was a mere 400 miles away, she persuaded me to apply for 'planning permission' (what is that?) to turn Hastings into the biggest, craziest golf course the world has ever seen and put it in her name so I don't get to pay any tax. She is one smart lady. Do you still have haddock down there by the way? What's the going price of a fishing fleet these days?



PS: Hastings? What kind of loser name is that? You socialist libtards need to wake up and PUT SOME FIZZ INTO YOUR PEP! I'm attaching a mock-up of your roadside welcome sign by my golf people. See what your commie shithole could look like to all those tourists as they drive in to play a couple of rounds of crazy golf and maybe afterwards relax in the Trumpton 1066 Casino Lounge? I am MacDonald Trump. Let's make England great again!





Sausage life!