No. 164 DEC 2020


By Lobbytroll




The BBC has announced that, since the Tory Party has finally dispensed with objective debate, and with the Christmas break just around the corner, it is time for a change. The new-look PMQs will avoid sensitive political topics and instead stick solely to the important issue of comparative geography. Secretary of Cheese Liz Truss will be in charge of valium distribution and Priti Patel at the Department of Bullyin' and Swearin', will retain responsibility for crystal meth. Mr. Justice Cocklecarrot will take over as speaker of the house.


COCKLECARROT: Ms Chlamydia Bunwad, (Conservative, Upper Dicker North).

Thank you Mr Speaker. Will the the Prime Minister agree with me that Australia is a country far, far away to the south and much further away from this house than, say, the Isle of Wight?


PRIME MINISTER: I’m very grateful to the Honourable Lady for that excellent question. But may I first of all offer the house's gratitude for her selfless research into the important new field of comparative geography. Her delightful constituency, Upper Dicker, which lies approximately 9000 miles south-east of Alice Springs, contains the famous museum of Hosiery which I have had the privilege of attending on numerous occasions. On the question of our former colony Australia and her relative position on the atlas, I can confirm with her that, as our friend the crow or Corbyn-Corbyn flies, that it is indeed, compared with the venerable host of the world-beating Cowes Regatta, a very considerable distance from Westminster.


OPPOSITION BENCH: Oh no it isn't! Look behind you!

COCKLECARROT: Order! I would thank the honourable members to allow the Prime Minister to continue not answering questions until we have run out of time. Prime Minister....

PRIME MINISTER: Thank you Mr Speaker, and may I remind the house that the Isle of Wight, glittering in the English Channel like Elba, that jewel of the Mediterranean where the great Napoleon Bonaparte holidayed during the heady summer of 1814, is not only closer than Australia but is also a BRITISH territory, surrounded by British fish, waiting to be caught, fried and served up in a patriotic newspaper with delicious garlic-free chips. The Isle of Wight is, in addition Mr. Speaker, entirely free from deadly spiders and requires neither a blue passport, nor er...one of those hats with dangling corks to keep the flies off.

CONSERVATIVE BENCHES: Fair suck of the sauce bottle mate


COCKLECARROT: Sir Kier Starmer

STARMER: Mr. Speaker, many of my constituents are confused.....

CONSERVATIVE BENCHES: Rather like yourself 

COCKLECARROT: Order!  If the right honorable member for Hull wishes to amuse the house perhaps he would be better off removing his trousers and reminding us all how much we miss that very essence of the hospitality sector, the Great British Pantomime. Sir Kier Starmer..


STARMER: Thank you Mr. Speaker. Many of my constituents have been writing to me...


CONSERVATIVE BENCHES: (lone voice) Oh no they haven't!


COCKLECARROT: ORRRRRRDAARR! Perhaps the right honourable member for Sunderland is feeling disorientated in the big city. Let me assure him that if he continues in this vein his ordeal will very soon be over. In no time at all he will be back behind the Great Northern Red Wall, reminiscing with his constituents at one of their justly famous call centres about how they used to assemble Japanese cars and pretend they were still building ships. Sir Kier Starmer.


STARMER: thank you Mr Speaker. Let me rephrase the question more simply, since the Prime Minister appears unable to understand it. Would he care to explain to the house exactly where the Marshall Islands are, particularly in relation to their chief export Pearl Barley, a vital ingredient in the production of haggis?

PRIME MINISTER:  Here we go.....

OPPOSITION BENCHES: “Here we go here we go here we go”....

COCKLECARROT: Order! Any more of this and I shall get my accordion! The Prime Minister is about to embark on a long rhetorical journey and he must be permitted to arrive at his destination, with or without the required documents. Prime Minister

PRIME MINISTER: Thank you Mr. Speaker. The leader of the party opposite once again demonstrates his ignorance of the vast oceans of the Southern Hemisphere, teeming with many species of unattractive, inedible fish, some of which are entirely unfamiliar to our citizens.




PRIME MINISTER: (Raising voice to tier 4), Does he then, hiding like Ulysses inside his Trojan Horse at the Parthenon, really expect the British public to gallop blindly, like those 600 brave trawlermen, into the valley of death, cod to the left of them, haddock to the right, whilst he and his band of socialist bottom feeders bicker about the location of some foreign archipelago of which no one has heard?


CONSERVATIVE BENCHES (singing): "You're shit and you know you are"


COCKLECARROT: ORDER! It may well be a braw bricht moonlicht nicht the nicht, but I would remind some of the members opposite that consuming alcohol, even from tiny concealed hip flasks, is strictly forbidden inside the chamber. Sir Kier Starmer...


STARMER: Thank you Mr. Speaker. If the Prime Minister is unable to answer a straightforward question, let me put it another way. Perhaps he could explain why certain groups of islands cling to the wave-lashed north-western coast of Scotland, whereas many others of a similar size are situated hundreds or even thousands of miles to the south in warm agreeable climates?

PRIME MINISTER: Once again Mr. Speaker, the leader of the opposition attempts to occupy the moral high ground from the position of a swamp dweller. Pure humbug from a party which, I would remind the house, voted recently for the abolition of Switzerland..and which..is ....Um.. now presenting itself as the official spokesman for the ah.. ah....Royal Geographical Society!


CONSERVATIVE BENCHES: Uproarious, uncontrollable mirth, mutual backslapping and furious tweeting.


PRIME MINISTER:  (Smirking)..But having raised the spectre Mr. Speaker, of that colossus of Caledonian enterprise, The Haggis Pudding, it is important to note that pearl barley is indeed a vitally important ingredient in its manufacture, as well as being a legendary American jazz vocalist...


(Pauses for unforthcoming laugh, forgetting Ken Clark has been booted upstairs to The Lords).


PRIME MINISTER: (cont'd)....but it is surely the sheep’s heart  Mr.Speaker which is it’s erm.......which... is at its ..erm...at the heart of the haggis's..ah..heart. Indeed Mr. Speaker, I am reminded, whenever the aptly named Nicola Sturgeon, leader of the SNP raises the prospect of Scotland's independence from Great Britain PLC, that she would be well advised in a post Brexit Utopia, to consider not only Australia’s unrivalled position as the Capability Brown of the sheep industry, but also its close proximity to the sun-dappled uplands of this green and pleasant sceptered isle we call Albion.

CONSERVATIVE BENCHES: (singing): “And did those feet.......”

OPPOSITION BENCHES: (singing): “Knees up Mother Brown...”

COCKLECARROT: Order, ORDER! I would thank the honourable members to remain seated until the sound of my gavel striking the chief whip's fat head signals the Christmas stampede to the Commons Bar. Court is adjourned until Friday June 13th, 2025.


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