POLITIKAL POKES BACK ISSUES
POLITIKAL POKES
By Lobbytroll
THE GREEN GREEN CASH OF HOME
Transport minister and former pyramid scheme conman Grant Schapps (aka Michael Green, Corinne Stockheath, Sebastion Fox – Is even Schapps his real name?), perhaps with the knowledge that a follow up question about the upcoming Greenshill scandal was inevitable, managed to get his radio 4 interview off to a cracking start by responding to Nick Robinson’s question about foreign travel, passports and international traffic light systems with the alarming phrase “you’ve put your finger right on the nail there.” This fraudian slip (sic), turned out to be a telling one.
The awkward follow up question concerned Sunak’s forced release of certain emails (obtained by freedom of information requests) between himself and sleazy former PM David Cameron. Cameron wanted to grease the wheels of commerce for his pal Lex Greenshill (another confidence trickster claiming to possess the the secrets of the magic money tree). Greenshill, during Cameron's tenure, managed to have himself ensconced at Number 10 as an "advisor to the Prime Minister" with the blessing of the head of the Civil Service.
When asked by Nick Robinson whether chums or business associates ought to be allowed to influence parliamentary decisions in order to feather their personal nests, Schapps, the Tories’ shameless fluff-girl proceeded to squirm like a maggot on a hot shovel. His labyrinth mind boggled like Gregg Wallace in a pickled onion factory as he told us that, as it turns out, all procedures were followed to the letter and any improprieties were of course avoided, so we really should move on. Pressed about the chancellor's assurances to Cameron that he would keep up the pressure on his colleagues to "find an alternative solution" to the ex PM’s request for bank status for Greenshill, the professional barefaced liar claimed (in true Billy Bunter style) that Sunak did not say what he said, and furthermore even if he did say it, he was “probably just being polite”.
All procedures were followed, he bleated, briefly channelling Gregg Wallace again before, to his great relief, time ran out.
You can read all about his criminal escapades here:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grant_Shapps
THE HOAXY-COAXY
Anti-vax group The Hastings Pillow Fighters have rebranded themselves as The Shamanic Research institute for the institution of Shamanic Research (UK), and I must say their whole campaign has taken on a much slicker and more professional look, particularly in the field of exhaustive medical research. For example, take this flyer, which was thrust into my top pocket in the park recently by a goat-horned man on stilts who was speaking in tongues. I ran home as fast as I could and read it aloud to my cat, Stanley:
A tension all SHEEPLES! Under know circumstants should you ALLOW the mind con-trolling NHS zombies of BIG FARMER to PEARSE you with the poisson-tipped spear of death! This Q-anon approved vax-free no nonce-ence potion safeguards truth warriors and flat earthers alike. ONLy this ancient traditional shamanic voodoo cure will PROTEC you against the mains dream-media and Richard Branson's Spamdemic 666 - the FAKE Virgin flu varian spread by high speed 5G fibre broadband algae rhythms.
PLEASE FOLLOW INSTRUCTIONS EXACTLY
During a full moon, take one Haitian shrunken head and and attach it to a stout mallet handle. Pluck a single hair from one of your armpits and marinade for 24 hours in a mixture of vodka, lark sperm and egg yolk. Meanwhile take a nine-inch galvanised nail and hammer it firmly into the brow of your shrunken head, leaving approximately 2cms protruding. Stir the marinade and drink, making sure you swallow the armpit hair. Wait 5 minutes, then, grasping the mallet handle firmly, sing this defiant song using the nail on your shrunken head to beat out a rhythm allegro ma non troppo on a hardback copy of Ozzy Osbourne's autobiography To Be Honest, I Can’t Really Remember…
You put your bull-shit in
your bat-shit out
in-out, in-out
shake it all about
Do the Hoaxy-Coaxy
'til we're all dead,
bone-head
That’s what its all about
As you dance around singing the chorus - Oh, Hoaxy Coaxy Coaxy - grab the nearest person around the waist. Encourage others to join you and dance like dervishes until you become one big ecstatic, undulating snake. Within hours any trace of the non-existent virus will be gone!
THIS IRRISISTABLE NEW FRAGRANCE WILL CAPTIVATE WOMEN'S HEARTS
HOW I LOST 15LBS OF UGLY FAT BY SAWING OFF MY OWN HEAD
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