SAUSAGE LIFE

READER: ......I was lying in bed watching Prime Minister’s Questions. MPs from across the political spectrum were expressing serious doubts about a former PM. The entire house was a heaving sea of weeping MPs and ministers, clutching each other for comfort as the evidence linking Boris Johnson with poverty, famine, war and numerous other biblical plagues mounted up. American tourists hurled themselves from the public gallery in despair. Just when all seemed lost Suella Braverman, the Minister for Cruel Sports stood up and addressed the swamp of disappointed men like a heroic wooden figurehead nailed to the prow of a Russian oligarch’s gigantic yacht. Through a child's red and yellow plastic megaphone which made her sound like Darth Vader, she verbally swatted the pathetic doubters like flies. All accusations about Boris Johnson’s pathological opposition to the truth evaporated as she defended his reputation with character, wit and unambiguous clarity. Huge words leapt out of her face like spawning salmon, submerging all opposition in a foaming tsunami of sarcasm. Then I woke up to find my hot water bottle had burst. Hello? Are you still there?

MYSELF: Hahaha! Pardon? Oh I’m so sorry! I was looking at a photo of a zebra stealing someone’s breakfast through the open window of a motorhome in a Kenyan safari park. Did you say something?

MYSTIC DORIS - ASTROLOGER TO THE STARS.

WHY NOT LET DORIS TAKE YOU ON A PERSONAL JOURNEY INTO YOUR FUTURE.
STRAP YOURSELF IN AND PRETEND YOU ARE IN AN E-TYPE JAGUAR WITH WALNUT TRIM, RATHER THAN A VAUXHALL VIVA WITH A FAULTY CLUTCH AND SOME HALF-EATEN SANDWICHES AND ORANGE PEEL ALL OVER THE BACK SEAT AND A FUNNY SMELL COMING FROM THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT.

Capricorn (22 December-20January) Take your shoes off. relax. love will come in time. Just don't wear those leggings.

Aquarius (21 January-19 February) Even if you were good looking, your too old. Forget it.

Pisces (20 February-20 March) Ha ha! Serves you right!

Aries (21 March-20 April) Anyone can write a novel. Stop complaining and get on with it.

Taurus (21 April-21 May) Give up, you're fucked.

Gemini (22 May-21 June) Remember when you could call an egg an egg? Well you can’t now.

Cancer (22June 23 July) Go ahead, stroke it, no-one else will

Leo (24 July-23 August) June will see another influx of red squirrels trying to steal our squirrels' jobs. Sprinkle nuts outside, spread glue and wait for squirrels. When firmly stuck, store squirrels in temporary barge or send to Rwanda.

Virgo (24 August-23 September) With Mercury absconding, it is very important to order expensive furniture on the 28th. A wren's egg under the floorboards will repel immigrants.

Libra (24 September-23 October) June can be difficult for those born under the weight watching machine. On one side is a monkey, on the other, a goat. Both are your enemy.

Scorpio (24 October-23 November) Bad news for Scorpios! Despite desperate sycophantic arse kissing, you will not go to the ball.

Saggitarius (24 November-21 December) Purse your lips, be very very cross and stamp your little feet. You will get what you want, but it won't be a seat in the Lords.

WENDY WRITES

Dear Wendy,

How do I get rid of dinner guests who are boring, have outstripped their welcome and insist on hanging on until all the brandy has run out? Last week, some of them were still there the following morning

Llowell Llewelllyn

Professor of Dominoes

Llllyllythgangohohoho University

Gwynthylligollygingganggoolygoolygooolygoolygingganggooogingganggoo

Wales

Dear Mr Llwelllyn (I hope I have pronounced that correctly),

I was sorry to hear about your dinner guest problem. Here's an ad I clipped out of What Specialist? magazine the other day which might help you cope with future occurrances of gastricus malapropis.

FED UP WITH GHASTLY CLINGING GUESTS WHO WON’T GO HOME?

When even coming downstairs in your pyjamas doesn't do the trick, what you need is Robinson's Surprise Spring Loaded Cocktail Sausages

Each tin contains 12 tasty spring-loaded luxury frankfurter sausages. After only one bite, the sausage burst open, piercing the cheeks with razor sharp metal shards. Mail order only £5 per tin.

Of course if the cocktail sausages don't work, this method of dealing with guests described in Crouton’s Guide To Etiquette And Social Discourse by the 19th century French sociologist Moulin Crouton, may well do the trick. A little may be lost in the translation.

“Certayn persons, where good intercourse hath ceased to flowe wythe the partayking of wine, may cause thru slypping of tongue or unpleasant engagement, an atmosphere inconsystant wythe the dyning rules of the house. It is permissible under these circumstances for the host to bryng to the table hys shaving instruments, and after stropping his razor on the unruly guest's tie, or in the case of a lady, her tongue, he may procede to plunge his shaving brush into the guest’s soupe (or gravye, or custarde, depending upon whych course the offendyng behavioure hath taken place), and commence to lather his face wyth it. Should the guest prove as thykke skynned as a Rwandan rhinocerous, and remayne seated even after the host hath applied hot towels and bay rum, he may approache the guest from behynde and placing a loaded revolver next to the temple, gentlye squeeze the trygger.

In order to preserve the host and hostesse's position on the social ladder, care should be taken not to injure any of the other guests”.

I hope this has been of some help.
Wendy

sausage life!

EPISODE 1:
Travel & transportation

EPISODE 2:
Body Parts

EPISODE 3:
Telephones

EPISODE 4:
Economics

EPISODE 5:
Misheard Lyrics

Click image to connect. Alice's Crazy Moon is an offbeat monthly podcast hosted by Alice Platt (BBC, Soho Radio) with the help of roaming reporter Bird Guano a.k.a Colin Gibson (Comic Strip Presents, Sausage Life). Each episode centres around a different topic chosen by YOU the listener! The show is eclectic mix of music, facts about the artists and songs, surrealistic sponsors, Bird Guano's phone-in and of course, Poetry Corner featuring everyones favourite poet, Big Pillow!

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