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Bird Guano's

SAUSAGE LIFE
The column that teaches grammar to suck egg’s

READER: Nobody will get that joke.

MYSELF: That fact alone confirms my suspicions.

READER: Whatever. Anyway I'm excited. The handkerchief waving pre-season training has started, the Morrismen are already working out with weighted bell-bottoms, iron clogs and clacking sticks. Soon it will be spring and everyone will be blacking up and celebrating Jack in the Green.

MYSELF: You country folk are fascinating, which I suppose accounts for the mysterious longevity of the Archers.

READER: Not to mention the mysterious popularity of the accordion.

MYSELF: There are some things beyond our comprehension. However, as an aficionado of the ancient fertility rites of this sceptered isle, you may be interested in the following snippet from our arts section:

POETRY REVIEW
Milqueflote wows Pyjama Crowd

Poet, performance artist, steel girder erector and Wild West enthusiast Alistair Milqueflote gave a rare reading last night at Hastings’ new performing arts venue The Cat’s Pyjama. After delighting his fans with a tour de force of his best loved poems, (including No No Nanook! and Waiter - There’s Some Soup on my Fly), the slightly unsteady Mr. Twee grabbed his trademark metal tea-tray, and with a self-inflicted blow to the head, launched into a performance of arguably his most famous work, the epic Morrismen, to a thunderstorm of expectant applause:

MORRISMEN  
by Alistair Milqueflote

Bells on their fingers and 
Bells on their toes 
The Clackity Morrismen 
Get up my nose 
Its not just the trousers
with ludicrous braces, 
the vacant expressions 
that litter their faces

or the fatuous music that
plinks plonks and jangles
as cadence and meter
are put through the mangle 
or the……..

At this point, Alistair was seen to hit himself over the head a little too hard with the metal tea-tray which has become such an indispensible part of his performances, causing him to fall into the orchestra pit and injure a sleeping trombonist. Later, a spokesman for the St John's Ambulance service announced to disappointed fans that Alistair was unable to continue with the poem owing to mild concussion. As the stampede for refunds began, I made my excuses and left.

ASK THE VET

Dear Dr.Guano,
Every time I open a can of Whiskas I nearly throw up, but Mortimer, my cat, will not entertain any other type of food. I have heard rumours that it is heavily laced with cat heroin - could my little Morty be hopelessly hooked? Also my drains have been badly blocked since I dissolved my late husband’s body in sulphuric acid, can you recommend anything?

Worried of Beyondenden (Mrs)

Dear Mrs. Worried,
Shining a torch into Mortimer’s eyes and observing pupil dilation will soon determine whether or not you have a feline junky on your hands. Should your test prove positive you must nip this in the bud before he starts dipping into your bank account or using your car for drive-by shootings. On your other point, it very much depends on which type of drain is blocked. For bathrooms, something like Aaaaargh! by Monsanto is fine, but in the kitchen you should be looking at something stronger, like Pearson’s Corpsgon! or the more astringent Dr Crippen's Final Solution.

HAT SHOCK
Gorgeous George Galloway is suing Sketchleys Dry Cleaners for the loss of his favourite hat, which he blames for his recent bye-election win. "My hat is me," he told us, "without my hat and cape I am but a mere mortal, less powerful than a locomotive, and quite unable to leap tall buildings with a single bound." The fledgling MP was overheard the other day speaking to a shop assistant in the Rochdale branch of Dunne's the famous London bespoke hat manufacturer, as he tried on yet another hat. "Does my head look big in this?" he was heard to whisper from the corner of his cupid-lipped facial orifice.

LINE OF DUTY-STYLE PLOT SWERVE
Speaking of economy, I am reminded of the famous telegram sent by Michael Caine’s agent Lou Mogulstein in 1963, in reply to a request from his friend Arthur Bumsfeld the northern theatrical impresario. Bumsfeld was putting on a stage version of the film Alfie at Morcambe Empire and to achieve any kind of success, he was rather depending on booking the bespectacled actor to reprise the lead role. An hour after cabling Mogulstein Arthur was excited to hear the doorbell ring. Disappointingly, the telegram said simply:-
CAINE UNABLE -stop- MORCAMBE UNWISE.

Sausage Life!

EPISODE1:
Travel & transportation

EPISODE2:
Body Parts

EPISODE 3:
Telephones

EPISODE 4:
Economics

EPISODE 5:
Misheard Lyrics

EPISODE 6:
MILK

Click image to connect. Alice's Crazy Moon is an offbeat monthly podcast hosted by Alice Platt (BBC, Soho Radio) with the help of roaming reporter Bird Guano a.k.a Colin Gibson (Comic Strip Presents, Sausage Life). Each episode centres around a different topic chosen by YOU the listener! The show is eclectic mix of music, facts about the artists and songs, surrealistic sponsors, Bird Guano's phone-in and of course, Poetry Corner featuring everyones favourite poet, Big Pillow!

NB: IF YOU DO NOT HAVE A PAID SUBSCRIPTION TO SPOTIFY, THE SONGS WILL BE OF RESTRICTED LENGTH

ATTENZIONE!

‘Watching Paint Die’ EP by Girl Bites Dog is out now and available wherever you rip off your music.

Made entirely without the assistance of AI, each listen is guaranteed to eliminate hair loss, cure gluten intolerance and stop your cat from pissing in next door's garden.

Photo credit: Alice's Dad (circa 2000)

https://open.spotify.com/album/2fHlSX6Dm7hEm9TUYkGUAN...

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