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SAUSAGE 159 AUG 20

WARRIORS RISE FROM THE ASHES

Since the humiliating departure of no-nonsense shoot-from-the-hip, messiah-complex manager Franco Machiavelli, widely blamed for Hastings & St Leonards Warriors FC’s inexorable plummet to the bottom of the Nuclear Waste Disposal Solutions League (South), caretaker manager Nobby Balaclava, the club’s ruthless midfield enforcer, has led the team to four successive pre-season defeats, a club record. Last Saturday’s 0-7 loss to Herstmonceaux Cannibals in the opening game of the 2020/21 season was a case in point.
“I’m proud to be associated with this great club,” a slightly dishevelled Nobby told us at 7-30 on the morning after the match when we met up at the club's local, The Withered  Spoon to sample the pub’s famous All Day Hard Brexit - two pints of White Lightenin' Apple-style cider drink, four shots of sambucca, a jug of margarita and a lightly boiled egg, (£12-75 with a complimentary Brexit Muffin). “To be fair," said Nobby, slightly invigorated after chasing down a pint of cider with a margherita, "the result has delighted the fans. Once we conceded that seventh goal, I got the lads to revert to an 11-0-0 system with a flat back 10. Our goalie, Tim Smegma did a great job considering the rest of the team prevented him from seeing any of the play, and we managed to grind out a respectable 0-7. The fans can sense that during pre-season 20/21 we have upped our game and stuck to our agenda of losing by less than eight goals per fixture. If we continue this positive trajectory we could be losing by as little as 3-0 or 4-0 come the 2023/24 season. That’s progress whichever way you crumble the cookies”. The all day brexits quickly ran out and after consuming two more, we began comparing obscene crowd chants and filthy rugby songs, one of which caused the landlord to issue us with a yellow card, followed swiftly by a red one. As Bob and Frank the security guys were helping us to leave, Nobby borrowed a marker pen from a barmaid's breast pocket and kindly scribbled next week’s team selection on the bald head of the unconscious man at the next table. After punching Frank and running upstairs, he climbed out of the window of the Spoon’s immaculate toilets and was later cornered and tasered by police. I managed to capture this exclusive preview of next Saturday’s squad on my smartphone's camera:

Smegma (Goal)

Buttlift 

Qanon

Chemtrail C.

Lol W.T.F. 

Lol O.M.G.

Zeitgeist

Smileyface

Roules W.T.O.

Hedgefund 

Chemtrail R.

Subs: Romcom, Troll, Clickbate,

OH YES HE DID

Panto review by Lucricia Whisp

Christmas is on the horizon and the upcoming panto season kicks off with The East Hill Amdram Society's staging of Nevermindland, at Hastings Arena.This sparkling high-tech production will debut groundbreaking special effects and  feature CSI Hastings star Bert Lord as Pier Pan, the boy who wouldn’t grow up and Butlin's redcoat of the year Morton Gullseeker as Captain Hokum, the one-eyed pirate who claims he had his hand bitten off by a crocodile but everyone knows it is up his arse (sleeve surely? - ed). Although 2015's X-factor winner Kandy B is mesmerising as Windy, the irresponsible child-minder who flies off to Nevermindland with Pier Pan, the indisputable show-stealer is the mischievous fairy Tinkerballs. Played with fearless aplomb by quiz show host Ann Salihart, she flits around the stage like an excited moth, colliding with spotlight and scenery alike in her unquenchable quest for validation.

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ASK WENDY

unqualified advice for the terminally confused

READER: Sorry I'm late, I've been having homophobic Covis-19 prevention treatment.

MYSELF: Homeopathic.

READER: That's it.

MYSELF: But is homeopathy real? I mean does water have a memory?

READER: It varies. According to my exhaustive research, no two glasses of water are the same, like snowflakes, and some may have better memories than others. For example one glass of water might be good at remembering unimportant things like the capital of Lichtenstein or Liberace's real name, yet spend hours looking for their car keys. Another, conversely, could tell you which team won the FA Cup in 1959 in the blink of an eye.

MYSELF: That was Notts Forest who beat Wigan Athletic 2-1.

READER: And Liberace's real name?

MYSELF: Derek Fuller.

DUNCAN SAILOR

During a recent PMQs, Ian Duncan Smith, the minister for cruel sports, rejected suggestions that a hard Brexit might result in blocked channel ports and a 50-mile tailback of lorries filled with dying sheep. “Hasn’t anyone heard of the Dunkirk spirit?” He screamed at sleeping backbenchers, “I call upon every Englishman with a seaworthy vessel, even if it is just an inflatable kayak or a kitchen sink with the plughole blocked up, to do your bit for Queen and country. Let our plucky little offshore tax haven show these eurocrats that Britannia still rules the waves with an iron fist. Last one across the channel is a rotten egg!”

Mr. Grayling, the Minister for Naked Ambition, interjected, saying that what Team Brexit required was a conglomerate of greedy businessmen prepared to accept millions of pounds of public money and make massive promises without having the slightest intention of fulfilling them. “Look at Hannibal,” He demanded, “they laughed when he suggested crossing the Alps with outsourced elephants. But who’s laughing now”? As Grayling paused, slack-jawed, to milk the puzzled silence, the Prime Minister siezed the moment and pounced. Standing up and strapping on a huge red nose, Mr. Boris provoked 10-minutes of uproarious faked laughter from the solitary Tory MP by claiming to have once pulled a Christmas cracker containing the riddle: “What do you get when you cross the alps with some elephants?” However, when pressed by opposition leader Kier Starmer for the answer, he replied disappointingly: “Mr Speaker, As always the government advice is, wash your hands and sing Land of Hope & Glory 3 times. An easy way to remember this is Hands, Knees, Frozen Peas, no...er, Face, Hands, Elastic Bands”.

OFF YOUR BIKE

Gareth Schweppes, our go-ahead Secretary of State for Transport is currently in talks with Hastings’ top inventor, professor Gordon Thinktank. Keen to introduce local schemes similar to London's Boris Bikes, the former pork butcher is said to be “very impressed” with Thinktank’s early protoype of a riderless bicycle; so much so that, according to some sources, he has registered the domain name Garybikes.com. Although riderless bicycles have attracted much controversy, (Boris Johnson once asked; “If one of these things crashes in the forest and no-one is there, will anyone fall off?”), professor Thinktank maintains that they are utterly safe; “My riderless bicycle requires no human intervention whatsoever,” he told us, “which means it can be programmed to self-excercise. This will be a huge boon to those cyclists who are covid isolating and no longer able to leave the house. The other big advantage is the built-in anti-theft technology My production models will be fitted with 'smart saddles' containing sophisticated buttock recognition software which, when activated, allows the bicycle to wrest control from the thief and pedal him to nearest police station.”

Sausage Life!