Bird Guano

The column which doesn't appear to support anything, yet is Grade II listed


READER: Did you get an invitation from me to join the Linkedin network?

MYSELF: Yes, I did, along with a Cameo Easter greeting from Nigel Farage and a further 46,000 requests purporting to be from people I knew, but which were actually generated from Linkedin's robot database. Call me old fashioned, but I prefer my pyramid schemes to at least have a pyramid.

READER: God you're such a stick-in-the-mud! These days everybody who's anybody is on Linkedin.

MYSELF: That's all very well, but what's it for?

READER: Eh? What's it for? Linkedin? I should have thought that was obvious.

MYSELF: Well let's assume it isn't obvious, and tell me what it's for.

READER: Er... Linkedin... it's a networking thingy isn't it?

MYSELF: Go on........

READER: Well, it's a place where...a place where you can...where you might.... network, with people of like-minded people who are...erm.....who would, you know, um, people who would like

MYSELF: No further questions M'Lud.



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Certain statements may not be true. Terms and conditions apply. Manufacturer's responsibility excluded.
Mary had a little lamb. The Leith police dismisseth us. All rights reversed. You will never own this car.



Gastric (n)  party piece involving lighting your own farts

Flatlining (n) wallpapering your apartment.



Rock critic Karl Wallbanger writes to say that, in his opinion, the release of Nige Farargy’s Greatest Tits CD on streaming services will do the reputation of La Grenouille Blanche no favours. “This selection, in bizarre contrast to his early Teutonic Fascist Heavy Rock stuff, is so obviously not in Farargy's comfort zone. Songs like With my Little Stick of Gene Pool Rock and the bonus track, 2009's When I'm Ethnic Cleansing, which let's face it were blatant attempts to get on Top of The Pops will, frankly, only serve to trash Nige's hard-earned bad reputation."
"Having said that, I must say I’m loving Spatchcock Z's remix of Wongo Bongo Bu!.....just seeing his froggy little face and hearing that chorus; bongo bongo boo, bongo bongo boo yah! manages to somehow conjure up that old Farargy magic as though it were yesterday, or the day before."

Sausage Life's music correspondent Cuthbert String replies:

Dear Karl,
You'll be pleased to hear that Faragy’s early Kraut rock stuff has now been digitally remastered on the Rattenscheiße label by Alles ist Klaar, a two-man synth co-operative trio from Nüremburg. I'm sending you the boxed set, which comes in a fur-lined leather bound replica of an inflatable dinghy and boasts a fascinating mixture of Doppelgänger Hardcore and Neo-Nazi Garage, with a subtle dash of Nancybilly.



On another subject, a reader responds to last issue’s article on austerity.

Dear Sausage

Austerity? Don't make me laugh! Today’s kids don’t know they’re even born! In 1966, I worked at Woolworth's Eastbourne store as a shelf stacker in the confectionery department. All I was earning was £75-100k a month plus bonuses, yet I managed to drive a Nimitz A-class aircraft carrier modified for road use, with two military grade Douglas DC9s and a Bell surveillance helicopter on board. Thanks to careful budgeting I managed to live a comfortable, relatively worry-free life. Unlike today’s moaning minnies with their cellphones and disposable income, I never complained. Fair play though, petrol was a lot cheaper in those days.
Walter Gateaux, Burlap



Footballer’s Names for Children (Fibber & Fibber £21.99)

Many people wrongly suppose that professional footballers, having been kidnapped by premier league clubs before learning to read or write, are stupid and barely able to string two clichés together; nonetheless I cannot recommend this book highly enough. Written by goalkeeping wizard Reg Trubshaw, of Herstmonceaux Cannibals FC, with ghost writer Felicity Smallgoose, a more detailed and comprehensive list of the name's of footballer's children would be difficult to find. I'm confident the following random extract from Footballer’s Names for Children will whet your appetite for more and send you (in more permissive times), bounding off to Waterstone's or WH Smith to order a copy.

BOYS: Colostomy, Groin, Cruciate, Ebola, Asbo, Gangnam, Calf, Hamstring, Nutmeg, Deathwish5.

GIRLS: Caramel, Rhapsody, Marmalade, Rubella, Tapestry, Casablanca, Wa-Wa, Handbag, Adultery

Reg Trubshaw is currently detained in a secure institution after being found guilty of biting off an opponent’s ear and keeping it in a matchbox to scare opponents with. He is due for parole consideration in 2057. 

Sausage Life!


guano poundhammer

From the album Domestic Bliss

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