SAUSAGE LIFE

MYSELF: Do you? I normally decide what you’re going to say but now I’ve got some smart young people doing it with AI. The effect is more or less exactly the same as before, except a bit more artificially intelligent.

READER: Artificially intelligent? How dare you! Do you really think I wouldn’t spot that?

MYSELF: Not with today’s superfast fibre broadband AI you wouldn’t. For instance everything in this column is now generated by artificial intelligence, including myself.

READER: So I’m not even talking to you?

MYSELF: Not only that, but it’s not even you who’s not even talking to me.

FISTICUFF NEWS

Rumour has it that champion boxer Typhoon Anger, the rage-filled china-shop pit-bull, is to take part in a virtual grudge match with Portnoy Combover, the cage fighter and social media influencer who has ten million followers on X. The bout will take place in the virtual cloud using AI generated avatars and will be broadcast on Sky pay per view at 20 Bitcoins per seat. Unlimited gambling and highly processed fat ‘n sugar snacks will be available via top German home delivery service Überessen

Anger’s manager Georgiou Falafal speaking to us from his £3m luxury gypsy caravan parked in a dogging lay-by in Harlesden said: “Let’s face it, the virtual Combover doesn’t stand a chance against Typhoon’s avatar. Its right hook is like a Heckler & Koch automatic sub machine gun loaded with tiny boxing gloves, each one containing a miniature lead horseshoe. His footwork is just a blur, like Rudolph Nureyev on crystal meth doing a pas de deux with Michael Jackson.”

Opponent Portnoy Combover was holidaying in Casablanca with Davide, his French Moroccan corner boy but we managed to speak via Zoom with his agent, TV florist Malcolm Greaseball.

“Everyone is gunning for Typhoon, but let me tell you this; even though my boy is 57, overweight and with just one win out of 300 fights, his avatar is still only 24, more unpredictable than a Chinese tin opener and capable of dazzling bursts of speed which have been described as ‘like a Zimmermann’s gazelle being pursued by a nuclear powered torpedo’. Mark my wprds, this will be no pushover.”

According to promoter Bertie Wormhole, virtual boxing is going to go ‘globally massive’ after this showcase bout. “The boxers love it, they can eat rubbish and drink as much beer as they like. Rigorous skipping, chafing gumshields, girly satin shorts and cauliflower ears will become a thing of the past. Best of all they will be able to work from home in their underpants like everyone else.”

TRAMSPHOBIA
Conservative Party Conference 23

Marx Harpo the minister for conspiracy theories has announced that after the Tories win the next election, Labour councils with plans for public tram systems will be charged with gender offences. Speaking at a fringe meeting of the thinktank Creating an Acceptable Type of Cruelty he claimed “Along with the meat tax and the unfair tax on men’s trousers, this has been yet another step too far to the left for these marxist-style Labour controlled cities”. Adjusting his tinfoil hat he went on, “These cities already have plans drawn up to make living in them much more pleasant, thereby imprisoning people in their own homes like dole-fiddling Chinese communists.”

After a debauched lockdown-themed party to celebrate the end of conference, Mr Harpo got drunk in the hotel room of his private secretary and before hurling the TV out of the window, managed to tweet this poem:

No more fags

Or men in drag

Or Marxist bans on

Vintage Jags

There’ll be no chance

Of immigrants

Arriving here on

boats from France

Don’t be a wuss

Or make a fuss

About the lack

Of train or bus

Sunak and Truss

Have deemed it thus.

HOROSCOPE

2023 being the Chinese year of the sprout, it is our proud boast to have engaged Mystical Geisha Wei Huang-Foo to write October’s astrological forecasts.

Coming year will be kind to goats, monkeys and all zoo creatures except snakes, and full of life achievements. April and May should be spent indoors in case of lunar-year leap-frog mishap with trousers. July & August rhyme with nothing, so good luck for farmers and travelling salesmen. Beware of monkeys.”

Capricorn (22 December-20 January) Rising sign of Jupiter will meet falling sign of giant bicycle. Train travel on 12th will fail to surprise. In case of luminous party shorts, wear yellow.

Aquarius (21 January-19 February) October’s Carolina moon in conjunction with Pasta sign will bring soft furnishings. Drink plenty of sea water in case of boat capsizing.

Pisces (20 February-20 March) Unexpected meat tax may precipitate funds, causing empathy. News of bat infestation crashes car on 23rd.

Aries (21 March-20 April) October’s swollen river may engulf house unless Taurus retreats before cusping. Speak with fork tongue if batteries not included.

Taurus (21 April-21 May) Saggitarious is your escalator, stalked by angry Pluto. Late atomic plan could precipitate unhappy money. August will fetch fond memories of a misplaced relative

Gemini (22 May-21 June) Raw A houseboat brings good fortune, although water danger. Big job with company perhaps? Or unexpected falling wind. Tiger Penis gives health for doctor advice.

Cancer (22June 23 July) Magic police chalk will fix mental potholes. Avoid small Italian window cleaners.

Leo (24 July-23 August) Stop! Remember that changing lightbulbs takes many Leos. Stay in dark until help arrives.

Virgo (24 August-23 September) With Mercury underwater, very important for Virgo to keep goldfish on the 28th. A periscope under the bed will repel chipmunks.

Libra (24 September-23 October) This is always a difficult month for those born under the weighing machine sign. On one side is monkey, on the other, goat. To eliminate goat, press A and C buttons with togetherness, and illuminate screen motivation map. Next, scroll with map signature until pop-up will show yearning to be instructed. Select Yes and No under Why? button, and screen will give hospitality for entry and vanquishing of goat.

Scorpio (24 October-23 November) Good news for Scorpio! Remember to recycle pockets and Lottery ticket may bring luck if not left in laundry.

Saggitarius (24 November-21 December) Surprise for Saggitarians this month when police arrive to take away faulty garden hose instead of armed burglars.

Sausage Life!

EPISODE 1:
Travel & transportation

EPISODE 2:
Body Parts

EPISODE 3:
Telephones

EPISODE 4:
Economics

EPISODE 5:
Misheard Lyrics

Click image to connect. Alice's Crazy Moon is an offbeat monthly podcast hosted by Alice Platt (BBC, Soho Radio) with the help of roaming reporter Bird Guano a.k.a Colin Gibson (Comic Strip Presents, Sausage Life). Each episode centres around a different topic chosen by YOU the listener! The show is eclectic mix of music, facts about the artists and songs, surrealistic sponsors, Bird Guano's phone-in and of course, Poetry Corner featuring everyones favourite poet, Big Pillow!

NB: IF YOU DO NOT HAVE A PAID SUBSCRIPTION TO SPOTIFY, THE SONGS WILL BE OF RESTRICTED LENGTH