Bird Guano’s


The column that Damien Hurst once tried to saw in half


READER: Hello! I’m sending this on my phone from THE ROYAL QUEUE.

MYSELF: I hope the weather holds out. Coincidentally, I'm just listening to The Queue live on the radio. They’re holding a fascinating phone-in discussion about queues, tea and toilets. It's ironic don't you think that such an English obsession should be represented by such a French word?

READER: French? Queue? Don’t be ridiculous!

MYSELF: C’est vrais! It means tail.

READER: Well I never. How typical of the French to appropriate such an expressive word and stick it on the back of a dog.

MYSELF: I just heard a precocious American child say she had been in line since 3am and was very excited to be able to see the queen. I think the yanks would mummify her if they could - Colonel Tom Parker where art thou?

READER: Didn’t he invent the fountain pen?

MYSELF: No, he didn’t,

READER: Oh. Anyway I’m shocked that you could be so tickled by the death of our sovereign queen.

MYSELF: Listen, I was a huge fan of a series called Police Squad which was possibly the funniest thing ever made for TV. Nothing however compares to what I am listening to now. Many people are comparing the coffin queue to The Chronicles of Narnia, or The Lion The Queen and the Wardrobe. Only the British could be capable of stringing out this sort of thing like a French lunch. I mean, where are the entrepreneurial pizza and hot dog salesmen? The Buskers? Even pickpockets are closed for the day.

READER: And not a pop-up commemorative gift shop in sight.

MYSELF: Exactly. Queen-in-a-Box. How long do we have to wait for such a souvenir?



According to British heavyweight brawler Typhoon Anger, Puerto Rican contender Garcia “Gonzo” Gondola has “no chance” of victory when the pair meet in next month’s world championship qualifying bout. “He doesn’t dress like a boxer, he doesn’t smell like a boxer, he doesn’t even have a proper boxer’s tattoo,” he told reporters at his weigh-in, “Gonzo is a disgrace to the profession. Who wears tartan socks with polka dot shorts?”.

Gondola’s trainer Sammy Macaroon retorted: “The so-called Typhoon is just a big mouth on a stick. He’s finished. My boy is like a bowl of angry puttanesca with teeth. His footwork alone is worth the ticket price. When the audience sees his new shorts they will go wild. It’s all over for Anger.”

“The Gonzo doesn’t stand a chance,” butted in Ron Maserati, Typhoon’s manager, “His fists are like two baby rabbits in a fur hat. In cheese terms, Typhoon’s uppercut is like an eye-watering, extra-mature gorgonzola whereas Gondola’s is more like a mild crumbly Wensleydale. His uppercut is about as terrifying as a meek Dutch gouda or a triangle of Smiling Cow.

Passing an exploding Cuban cigar to Gondola’s trainer, he continued, “The Gonzo is kaput. His career is as good as over. Typhoon is so fit he will knock the Puerto Rican out in round one. He’s lethal. He’s been in the gym all week training with Danny O’Moron, who made him spar with a horse. His right hook is like a steam-powered sack of adjustable spanners. In musical terms he’s like a concert grand piano with the lid up, surrounded by bass trombones”.  



Astonishing tales from around the world of items

A journalist who was arrested for making up a story in order to fill up a gap in his newspaper, claimed in court that he was kidnapped by Somali pirates on boating lake during a day trip to Brighton, who forced him at gunpoint to write the pirate-friendly piece. They tied him up, stole his credit card, and later went on a spending spree where they bought 46 pairs of corduroy trousers, half a dozen parrots and some pine -scented shaving soap.


The following is a paid-for advertisement, and not an article about The Conservative Party:


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Ken Hom’s Chinese Horoscope ‘n Noodle Set (Was £160.00, now £15.99).

2022 being the Chinese year of the King Charles Spaniel, could this be the perfect gift for the missus? Here is Ken Hom’s prediction: “Coming year will be kind to goats, giraffes and all zoo creatures except snakes, and filled with life achievements. April and May should be spent indoors in case of lunar-year leap-frog mishap with trousers. August rhymes with nothing, so good luck for farmers and travelling salesmen. Beware of monkeys.”
Wise words from Ken as always. And whilst you’re browsing, why not think ahead and purchase some of our world-famous Christmas crackers at £29.99 per box of six? Not only do they challenge the empirical juxtaposition of objective methods of aesthetically rendered mindscapes, filtered through the silky gauze of hypothetical procrastination, but they also contain a paper hat, a top-quality novelty item and a rib-tickling riddle like this one:


What does Jeffery Archer write his novels on? 
A tripewriter!





Sausage Life!





Colin Gibson • Emmet Ives • Anita Makris
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"Sometimes you just need a tool that doesn't do anything"



guano poundhammer

From the album Domestic Bliss

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