No. 162 October 31 2020


Bird Guano

The column which gives children a free dental appointment with every bag of sugery gewgaws

READER: Trick or treat?

MYSELF: A difficult question. What do you have in the way of tricks?

READER: I can do sawing a lady in half, or that one where it looks as though I'm floating in the air with a broomstick up my arse.

MYSELF: Wow, the levitation trick. I've always wondered how that's done.

READER: Well the Magic Circle forbids me to reveal it.

MYSELF: You're a member of the Magic Circle? I'm impressed.

READER: You'd be even more impressed if you knew how much sphincter control was involved.



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With Christmas skulking just around the corner, keen readers wishing to take advantage of November whilst it is still cold, might enjoy my monthly book recommendation, The Overcrowded Hammock by Emma Tendril (Bargle, Bogle & Burglar £16.99). The delicately woven plot of this, the third in her series of bodice-ripping zombie sailor yarns, features once again the seafaring Norwegian plumber Tør Ubender and his nemesis, undercover Aussie store detective Sheila Jumbuck. The storyline takes a terrifying twist when, during the course of a solo transatlantic yacht race, twenty unexpected guests are forced to board the tiny sailing craft The Golden Trump following their pleasure steamer's near fatal collision with a raft of illegal Scottish sheep smugglers off The Azores. Parental guidance recommended.


Platitude (n) over-confidence induced by wearing dreadlocks.
Aerosmith (n) a professional welder of chocolate
Tantric (n) fake sunburn


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unqualified advice for the terminally confused

Since pop icon Sting acquired a majority shareholding in Hastings & St Leonards Warriors FC, the fortunes of the Nuclear Waste Disposal Solutions League (south) team have gone from bad to worse. Outspoken CEO William Bunter, the obese leisurewear millionaire, has accused the former Police bassist of interfering with team selection and tactics. He told us; “Our Italian manager Giovanni Foctivano (The Goalfather), who only recently rejoined us from Irish club Buggleskelly Porters FC, is livid. It was bad enough when we found out Sting’s real name was Gordon, but when he stopped our two centre backs from playing Jay-Z on their headphones during training and forced them to listen to his god-awful album of ancient lute music instead……put it this way, the lads were not walking on the moon. On top of that, many of the older players objected when he insisted the whole team turn up for training with yoga mats. The final straw was his introduction of Tantric Football, where you play for hours, but never score any goals. He’s got to go”.


Anyone who still doubts that Hastings is a city of culture should look no further than this recent item from the latest edition of Opera Buff: "Police were called to The White Rock Theatre, Hastings, last Thursday, where a star-studded socially-distanced performance of Scallopini's epic aria-fest La Morte Radioattivi was rudely interrupted. According to eyewitnesses, at the crucial point where Anastasia, (played by Korean diva Mimi Mee), bids a tearful farewell to her tragic lover, the gas fitter Manchego (Medved Oligarki), a poison tipped umbrella plummeted like a stone from the overhead lighting gantry, fatally piercing Ms. Mee's heaving bosom. The audience, assuming it was part of the production, applauded like seals until the police arrived with tear gas and stun grenades.

VERDICT: Expensive seats. Poor parking facilities. Hot-dogs £7-50. Toilets jammed during the interval with cocaine-snorting solicitors (none of them masked)    Carpet in foyer sticky. Tattooed doorman drunk. Obese sailor wedged in doors of lift. Apart from that, excellent! #operabuff"

READER: As tragic as that may be, I personally found Ms Mee’s vibrato somewhat grating.
MYSELF: Quite so, indeed, but on the other hand, her understated tutti mezzo pelligrini during the callabrio magnifico was stunning, particularly as it was performed gusto termino with a sustinato con malapropi substituted for the original Parmesana non grater.

READER: Thank you for pointing that out.


MYSELF: Next week I shall be reviewing Bastardo Grasso’s Quando La Signora Corpulenta Canta, featuring Dame Vera Truss, streamed live from The Hastings Angling Club.

Sausage life!