Bird Guano

No.159 August 27 2020
The column which knows exactly what 9% apr representative means, but refuses to tell you

READER: This is new.

MYSELF: Yes, The Hastings Independent has gone over to an online edition for the forseeable future, so I thought I would too.
Everyone's doing it since this lockdown business started. Are you working from home?
MYSELF: Not since I've been in prison.


Nigel Farage, from his air-conditioned Arron Banks-funded luxury Range Rover parked on the white cliffs of Dover, has reported a raft full of dead cats trying to cross the English Channel. "I was scanning the busy shipping lanes with my Arron Banks-funded Super Migrascope with radar-assisted cross hairs," the weasel-faced stool pigeon told us, "when I spotted the inflatable vessel drifting dangerously near the bows of a P&O cross channel ferry bound for Calais. Being unable to spot any undesirable aliens, I assumed that the raft contained old, unused government proposals which had been cast adrift - that is until I noticed the cases of snake oil stacked in the stern, the pall of smoke and the tell-tale flash of mirrors. I immediately reported the dead cat sighting to the editor of The Daily Mail, who then made up a jolly scary story about “economic migrants” "illegals" and "foreign hordes". My people (or as I refer to them on social media, my 'peeps') were thus able to spread this manufactured crock of merde like well-rotted manure, over social media's green unpleasant pastures."



It was reported in the financial pages of The Fortean Times yesterday that The Knights Templars, The Illuminati, and The Elders of Zion are to be the subjects of an aggressive takeover bid by Lizard Empires, the misinformation company run by the track-suited guru of the gullible David Icke. In a recent interview with Bonkers magazine, Mr Icke suggested that it was about time all the bat-crazy theories of the world’s leading proponents of horseshit were brought together in one giant conspiracy.
“The wide availability of so many differing theories such as 9/11, 5G, chemtrails, and QAnon, is sowing the wrong sort of confusion in the minds of the general population.” he told us from LIizard Empire's headquarters in East Grinstead “In my opinion, the public would be better served by one, all-embracing nose-bag of Merde de Cheval.”

A spokesman for The Monopolies Commission however, had this to say:
“Existing legislation is quite clear, The dissemination of horseshit should be treated with the same consideration for proper competition as any other business. No pun intended. It is our view that this merger would simply narrow the public’s choice when it comes to deciding which particular pot pourri of half-witted balderdash they wish to swallow.”
This morning a well-behaved gaggle of around twenty anti-vaxxers and 5G conspirators added their high-pitched voices to the debate by converging on Parliament Square and marching up and down with banners proclaiming: POLIO, MEASLES AND DIPTHERIA ARE A HOAX  and WAKE UP SHEEPLES! THE DEVIL MASTS OF DOOM ARE COMING TO EAT YOUR CHILDREN!



Joey the boxing kangaroo, or as many journalists have dubbed him, Mugabi, has finally been arrested after two years on the run. He was spotted buying cans of the popular antipodean beverage Kooka-Koala in the Silverhill branch of Tuckerbag, the supermarket which caters for ex-pat Australians and confused Kiwis and reported to the authorities. After surrounding the store, handcuffing him and removing his boxing gloves, police were surprised to discover that instead of the expected horseshoes, Mugabi's mitts contained only feathers.The kangaroo is believed to have escaped from a nearby holiday camp In 2018, where he was initially employed  to give small children rides in his pouch. “Of course what they hadn’t realised,” Hastings’ police chief Hydra Gorgon told us. “is that the male kangaroo does not have a pouch. We think this gender confusion may be the key factor that turned what was once a loveable, Disneyesque character into the rogue marsupial he subsequently became.”


Sausage Life!