Bird Guano

The column that is nasty, British and short


READER: What on earth are we going to do about the hordes of invading foreigners paddling over the channel to steal out jobs, women and catalytic converters?

MYSELF: Can’t you be a little more empathetic? Didn’t you hear about the poor asylum-seekers who drowned because their raft was full of proposals? Clearly no one had bothered to put forward a joined up agenda before they got on board, which to my mind demonstrates a complete lack of blue sky thinking.

READER: We need action now. Tough-guy Priti Patel will sort them out. She knows which side of the butter needs applying to the bread.

MYSELF: Whilst it’s true that Priti has taught us the true meaning of compassion, she also thinks Hitler, Stalin, and Pinochet were too far to the left, and that Bollywood is in Los Angeles. She is a walkin' coma.

By the way, everyone is talking about the stylish incontinence pants you were wearing the other night at The Cat’s Pyjama Brexit Disco Party.

READER: Those were not incontinence pants as you well know - they were NoMorGym Silhouette improvement trousers for gentlemen.

MYSELF: I thought your silhouette was looking unusually svelte. On the other hand, after a couple of pints of that craft beer they were serving, maybe we could all use some incontinence pants…..what on earth do they put in it?

READER: Nobody knows but it’s so irredeemably awful that when you tell the landlord it tastes like chilled piss with a grapefruit top, he just says, “Thanks.” Also it never goes off.

MYSELF: No beer worth its salt has ever stayed in my house long enough to go off.



Dear Emilia Twollet of Herstmonceaux,

I believe you are referring to the giant holographic projection of Flora Robson in the climax to the film Carry On Carrie (1956), which also starred Lon Chaney as Prime Minister Antony Eden and Joan Crawford as Carrie, the psychotic sociopath mistress with a heart of gold.


Dear name & address withheld by request,

The Archers can happen to anyone, suddenly and without warning. As requested, here is the precise moment to switch off when the thing pops up and catches you by surprise on your kitchen radio:

Dumdy dumdy dumdy dum

dumdy dumdy doo-dah

dumdy dumdy dumdy dum

dum de diddledy (OFF)

I hope this has cleared things up.



advertising feature

The Attila Grill in Silverhill is offering a limited edition all-day breakfast to celebrate the success of the UK's conscious uncoupling from the European Union. Known as The Full Conservative, it consists of free school eggs, non-dom bacon, white pudding, bat's blood, monkey glands and half a grilled tomato.


Executives on the board of the Hobson’s Denture Fixative League (South) found themselves mired in controversy today as a result of the criminal prosecutions brought against Hastings & St Leonards Warriors FC which were announced by East Sussex Chief Constable Hydra Gorgon. This bombshell has come only a week after the club was purchased by the Steenkin’ Badges, a syndicate of several Mexican drug cartels, much to the delight of the club’s fans.
Serious allegations of fraud, corruption and bribery involving "several pounds" sent seismic waves through Sussex football's ruling body, LOUFA.
In a dawn raid, detectives from the the top-secret money-laundering investigation (code-named Operation Money Laundry) arrested Sergio "The Horse" Peccadillo, the club’s controversial Italian manager, on suspicion of being the capo di capo of the alleged financial flim-flammery.
Released on £45.50 bail, the flamboyant Italian dismissed his interpreters on the court steps and to the delight of waiting Warriors' fans, issued this firm denial, in perfect English, without notes:

Good morning. Please be kind enough to direct me to the museum, which I am told houses a comprehensive Egyptian Mummy exhibit, as I have an out-of-date map.

Pressed by our reporter on whether any of the personal accusations of serious financial impropriety had any basis in truth, he declared confidently: 

I have a note from my physician. May I be seated near the toilet facilities?



My network of spies informs me that Lizard-Men have been spotted in Hastings, selling chemtrail-filled balloons to kids coming out of school, and charging them up to £25 per balloon!

READER: Chemtrails? Lizard-Men? Here?

MYSELF:  Outside ESK, by the indoor plants, bold as brass. I heard some of those kids have to go shoplifting just to support their chemtrail habit.

READER: Outrageous! If you ask me, hanging baskets are too good for them. Any of those Lizard-Men approach my kids, I'll swing for it.



Hastings inventor Professor Gordon Thinktank has challenged universally accepted cheese theory. His shock paper, New Theories In Cheese, has turned the world of cheese on its head. Until now, it was thought that the holes in Swiss cheese were caused by tiny mice. Thanks to the professor's exhaustive research, it has been proved that tiny mice are not responsible for the holes, which, he claims, are caused by terrifying microscopic bacteria invisible to the naked eye, with huge burrowing lobster-like claws.



Sausage Life gets an exclusive peek at trailer from Channel 5’s Nazi Blind Date hosted by Priti ‘Vacant’ Patel

MUSIC: Overture from Wagner's Ride of The Valkeries

PRITI: Good evenin' and welcome to Nazi Blind Date. Let’s meet our first contestant, what’s your name honey?


PRITI: And what do you do Eva?

CONTESTENT: I’m a housewife.

PRITI: And who’s your first question for Eva?

CONTESTENT: Batchelor Hitler number one please... Priti please, ha ha!

AUDIENCE: Gales of helpless laughter followed by applause.

PRITI (glaring): Very amusin' Eva! Bachelor Hitler number one step up please…

CONTESTENT: Batchelor Hitler number one, if you took me on a romantic trip to Europe, would you attempt an invasion?........

If you want to find out which Bachelor Hitler ended up occupying Eva’s heart? Watch Nazi Blind Date 9-45pm Channel Five Thursdays



Q: So what is this machine for?

A: This machine is for thicknessing wood. It's for dimensioning the thickness of wood.

READER: What the…..?
MYSELF: I kid you not, I actually heard American people on a DIY show say those words to each other, just now, on TV.

READER: You're so pedanticating.

MYSELF: Perhaps so. And whilst I'm at it, I object to the use of the word cooter, and also the word douche, which are both from America.

READER: Cooter, fair enough. but why douche?

MYSELF: Because, douche, there are plenty of perfectly good indigenous words with which to skirt around the subject of ladies' personal hygiene. Proper, decent euphemistic words, all of whose British origins can be located in Oxford's green and pleasant English Dictionary.

READER: Such as?
MYSELF: Please, this is a family newspaper. Suffice it to say that Wordsworth would never have used the word douche, preferring the word daffodil. Similarly, Shakespeare always avoided the word cooter, as it gave him headaches.

READER: Douché!




Sausage Life!






guano poundhammer

From the album Domestic Bliss

click images for videos


Vote For Countryside Alliance

by The Hunt Cult. Click for video



"Sometimes you just need a tool that doesn't do anything"