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Bird Guano’s
SAUSAGE LIFE

The column which believes that facts are merely irritating obstacles blocking the road to truth

MYSELF: Don’t mention The War

READER: War? What war?

MYSELF: Thank you

READER: Don’t mention it

POLICE CORDON OFF TOWN CENTRE

Sculpture “stinks” say demonstrators

Protester Hermione Calamari was arrested by armed riot police outside Upper Dicker Town Hall yesterday, as councillors unveiled plans for a 60ft sculpture set to dominate the Victorian splendour of the newly-restored Rainbow Gardens (Formerly Jimmy Savile Park).
"he whole thing stinks, quite frankly" said Ms Calamari from her cell at Upper Dicker Police station, "and typifies the town council's gung-ho attitude. This monstrosity could put someone's eye out, or worse and I dread to think what kind of message this is sending out to our dogs."

The public outcry arises from the decision of Upper Dicker Town Council to commission a gigantic sculpture from controversial conceptual artist Tracy Eminem. At an estimated cost to the public of £800,000, the huge bronze dog turd, titled Dogs Little Acre will dominate the centre of the park, and is set to become a local landmark which will be visible from space.

SHITART

Ms Eminem, speaking from a queen-sized unmade bed at her luxury studio in Herstmonceaux, defended the bold new civic project:
"Basically, like all I am trying to say is like basically, everything is shit right? So like why not make it actually look like shit? I've never been into that old-school figurative painting and drawing stuff, which is basically just art fascism, and that is why I have had to hire assistants to design and build the work at great personal expense. All this contributes to the final cost of course, and the public, who tend to be really thick where great art and stuff is concerned, will moan about it being a waste of money which is ironic, considering these are the same people who will quite happily spend millions on the NHS!"

"But let's face it", she continued, "all great artists have their detractors. Reubens, for example, couldn't draw trees, and I think that eventually, after all this controversy and stuff has died down, the people of Upper Dicker will come to view my giant bronze turd as a kind of Tibetan type in-your-face temple of Victorian Zen meditation, evoking the wispy grey ghosts of turn-of the century gentlefolk walking their tiny mollycoddled dogs as they scatter their miniature malodourous land mines."

Ms Eminem's provocative monoprint My Arse won the Rorschach Prize in 1997. Since then, she has been criticised for her refusal to conform to artistic tradition, with works like Pizza Remains, Croissant Disappointment and the infamous Gagging For It, in which a hoover bag is emptied over a dish of Vanilla ice cream, which is then eaten by tramps. You can see these and a selection of other pieces at Tracy's latest exhibition, coyly titled Fish Moustache at Cheapside’s Pink Triangle Gallery

BOOKS
Nostradamus - man or mouth?
Predicting the Past by Marjory Clutterfree (Bogus & Hokum £12.99)

If you thought you knew everything about Nostradamus, the prescient 16th century Frotheur and hippy hero, think again.
According to Marjory Clutterfree’s timely book, archeologists excavating the ruins of an ancient Roman delicatessen in Pompeii are analyzing dozens of previously unseen scrolls which were discovered inside a bronze jar of Proscuitto.
In the following piece, translated from the original Latin, it is widely supposed that Nostradamus is referring to the iPad, and what we now know as The Selfie.

....and the common people shall kneel in awe before the speaking tablets because within them shall appear their own image. And lo, not only shall their image dwell therein, but it shall also multiply and attain fruitful abundance within all the talking stones of the land. Verily shall these images be scattered like seed amongst the multitudes which shall at first provoke liking and sharing but later weeping and gnashing of teeth, for concealed within the images shall dwell targeted ads for online gambling, penis enlargement, dental implants, and the treatment of erectile dysfunction. - Spooky or what?

THE BIG FIGHT

Next week's world heavyweight bout between Bobby "The Anvil" Crabtree and Louis "Creampuff" Knowles is set for a sell-out at the newly-refurbished Upper Dicker Theatre of Dreams. Crabtree's manager Georgiou Falafel was in no doubt about the outcome.
"Creampuff doesn't stand a chance. The Anvil will crush him underfoot like an insignificant cockroach. His glass jaw is like a delicate Fabergé egg waiting to be shattered by Bobby's sledgehammer fists. The Creampuff’s footwork is laughable. He moves like a hobnail-booted sloth in a bowl of treacle. His right hook is about as lethal as a rolled-up fashion magazine."
Knowles's manager Rupert Mungbean was equally adamant about how the scrap might go. "The so-called Anvil is nothing of the sort," he claimed, “he’s more like a Mickey Mouse grandfather clock with a faulty pendulum. Let's face it, once he steps into the ring with The Creampuff, he's toast. One uppercut will send him bandy-legged. Everyone knows Crabtree's got a weak left - eight days at the most - he doesn't stand a chance. Footwork? Georgio Falafel doesn't know what he's talking about. My boy’s twinkling feet are so fast they're invisible to the naked eye.”

ROYAL VISIT

A gold-embossed private Boing 767 landed at Upper Dicker’s military airstrip last Thursday carrying King Sparky Hullabalulu, Mighty Potentate of Pomegrania and Grand Imperial Wizard (Pomegrania Masonic Lodge), three of his 297 wives and his 62-man private security guard, on an official state visit marking the towns' twinning with Utterfrack, Pomegrania's capital city.
At an invitation-only VIP ceremony attended by the cream of Upper Dicker society, Worshipful Lord Mayor Derek Windfarm presented King Sparky with an Upper Dicker Macaroons FC away strip (flourescent pink polka dots on British racing green), a 2026/27 season ticket (restricted view), and a printed mug celebrating last year's Alistair Crowley Day. In return Mayor Windfarm gratefully accepted His Highness's generous gifts of a two live ostriches dressed as Charlie Chaplin and Judy Garland and a diamond-studded reproduction Rolex sun dial.

SCIENCE IS GORDON
Rinse Out For Jesus! is the advertising slogan currently on everyone's lips, as Genuflex, Hastings inventor Professor Gordon Thinktank’s new frankincense-flavoured holy water mouthwash hits the shops. Even though the Advertising Standards Authority forced the Professor to remove the claim that the product was “miraculous,” and could regenerate lost teeth, it has been a runaway sensation.
In the pipeline for 2026 are two other ingenious Thinktank innovations: trouser-mounted airbags for pedestrians who are prone to falling over, and a nuclear powered bean-to-brew Espresso machine.

DICTIONARY KORNER

Hamas (n) tools used by Geordie carpenters

Sausage Life!

Against all odds, a poor Irish immigrant family rise to the top in 19th century America

Rarely-seen 2Os German Expressionist film about a strange spanner-worshipping cult

JESUS WANTS ME FOR A SUN READER aka PASS THE INSTANT YOGA

JACK POUND

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CHEMTRAILS ON MY MIND
MORT J SPOONBENDER

On September 11th 1958, José Popacatapetl, a retired tree psychologist who's father was head gardener for the CIA during the cold war, was hitchiking through the Alberqueque desert when he was picked up by a black sedan driven by J Edgar Hoover's ex-boyfriend André Pfaff head of FBI underhand operations and extra-terrestrial banking who once worked as a quantum mechanic for the KGB under the direct orders of the zombie reincarnation of Josef Stalin whose mummified corpse was stored in a secret bunker in the basement of the Vatican.

Vote For Countryside Alliance

A party political Broadcast by The Hunt Cult.

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THE SENIOR MOMENTS

SEE THEIR LAST GREAT PERFORMANCE ON THE THE PERRY COMO SHOW 1959

POISON PEOPLE

By Guano Poundhammer

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Video from the album Domestic Bliss

SUPERCALIFUCKINGFRAGIFUCKINGLISTICEXPIALIFUCKINGDOCIOUS

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Photo credit: Alice's Dad (circa 2000)

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