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Bird Guano’s

SAUSAGE LIFE

The column which pings where others merely pierce

READER: Ping? Pierce? What’s that all about?

MYSELF: Good morning to you too. Since you ask, the new rules of financial disclosure which come into effect this week now apply to the written word, and therefore I am obliged by law to declare any commercial interest.

READER: Well everyone should have a hobby. I collect flies.

MYSELF: Not that sort of interest you idiot, I’m talking about corporate sponsorship.

READER: Oh you mean bribery? At last the cat’s out of the bag.

MYSELF: The cat is, as you put it, well out of the bag and furthermore writhing around in a barrel of herring, because right from its beginning this column has been secretly sponsored by the respected firm of RJ Pearson & Co of Peasenhall, manufacturers of fine triangles since 1888.

READER: My point exactly. You just have to slip in a couple of gratuitous mentions and bingo….fat brown envelope in the post, cash on delivery.

MYSELF: I take exception to that remark. All mentions have been crucial to the plot and believe me all I got out of it was a few free triangles for the kiddies. I paid for that holiday in Las Vegas out of my own pocket. Anyway, now it’s all out in the open and I feel a much better person for it.

HERR TODAY

Lame duck American president and recently converted IT fan Donald Trump has sent us yet another love note. After congratulating the UK on "giving those frog-eating golf-hating European surrender monkeys the finger," he went on to say; "After I have won all the mid-term elections by a very big LANDSLIDE, probably the biggest one ever, I intend to build a TIME MACHINE and the first thing I will do is travel back to Victorian times and make H.G. Wells pay for it! After that I will time travel forwards a little, avert the Wall Street crash of 1929, then go have a talk with Herr Hitler, a misunderstood dictator with whom I have much in common, (except for the Herr!) and after persuading the guy to chill out, I will return triumphantly to the present having averted a massive global catastrophe and saved millions of innocent lives to take up permanent residence in the White House."

WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THIS MESSAGE
Have you noticed your cat holding its newspaper at arms length? Does it ignore the screwed-up ball of paper you threw, has it started to bump into things? Just as it does on their doting owners, age eventually catches up on our feline friends so why not bring your loved one along for an eye test? We here at Opticat have only the best interests of your precious pet at heart. You can be sure of the personal attention of one of our qualified cat-optometrists, who will also help you choose the most suitable frames for your myopic mog.
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WARRIORS CODSWALLOPED

Hastings & St Leonards Warriors FC, whose surprise wild card inclusion in the 2026 Euro Non-League Championships gave fresh hope to local football fans, were last Saturday unceremoniously ejected from the competition in the first round by lowly Icelandic club AC Håakenhüur, who fielded a team composed entirely of retired cod fishermen. Warriors' recently appointed manager Serge Catastroph gave us this statement in the immediate aftermath of the shock 8-0 defeat; "I was criticised before the game for my squad selection, but I stand by my decision to include 58-year-old midfield dynamo Wilf Smidgeon, and to play our crack Bosnian striker Glaxo Zog in goal. We are still in with a chance, make no mistake about it. The Warriors are not quitters. We do not know the meaning of the word defeat, which is why we didn't do it to anybody last season. I am not a man to walk away from a challenge without a very persuasive package of remuneration. People scoffed when I hired Maharishi Mahesh Moolah the yogi soccer motivator, but he has worked wonders with the lads, and has even got some of them reading.”

MP SOUP

Upper Dicker Reform UK MP Ron Gravy, formerly of the British Gravytrain Party is in trouble again, this time with the trading standards authority. Rumour has it he may have to be recalled, forcing yet another by-election. It is alleged that he has been fitted with an illegal piece of software designed to conceal from government inspectors his true emission levels of clichéd sound bites, diversionary half-truths, general hot air and horseshit. By all accounts this may be merely the tip of a giant Titanic-style iceberg, and many more parliamentary motormouths are in danger of being recalled. One devastated voter, Mr. Dirk Teknic retorted; "Following the unmitigated success of Brexit, Ron Gravy convinced me that I could depend on good old-fashioned solid Reform UK engineering. All this has come as a terrible shock."

BOOK OF THE MONTH

THE NEW BABEL by Candida Beverage (Second abridged edition, 2026)
(Frakov & Windfarm £15.99)

Subtitled The Elevation of Common Sense into Deep Incisive Wisdom, this book is an invaluable addition to the great lexical canon, and examines how cruelly we treat language. In Part 1, The Mangling, Beverage discovers how a big ask came to be more efficient than a question, how birthing replaced being born, and how going forward came to mean anything you want it to. The 2026 addendum to part 1 includes a fascinating new chapter entitled That is a great question, which asks: When did 'yes' morph into 'absolutely, one hundred percent?'

www.booksyouwishactuallyexisted.com

VATICAN THE MATTER BE?

Pope Francis has declared Madonna to be a Bimbo Wimbo after her incisively satirical remarks about His Holiness at a recent concert, during which she referred to the pontiff as Popey-Wopey. Speaking outside Rancho Molesto, Nevada's biggest legal brothel, The Holy Father told Fox News; "Ms so-called Madonna, who in the past has claimed to be "like" a virgin (sic) has no right to refer to Catholicism’s capo dei capi, in this demeaning way. I would like to remind Little Miss Pottymouth that The Roman Catholic Church has been providing absolution for the innocent and guilt to the unburdened for over 2,000 years."

NO BRIANER

The Pontiff added “Also, I'm getting fed up with people telling me they are "blessed". They are not. They may have been lucky enough to be in the right place at the right time or be the fortunate beneficiaries of chance - they may even have recently acquired a delightful kitten, but they are not "blessed". Only Brian is Blessed.

In nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti

pultem vitae!

WENDY WRITES

Our resident agony aunt with

wholly unqualified advice for the lost, lovelorn and lonely hearted

Against all odds, a poor Irish immigrant family rise to the top in 19th century America

Rarely-seen 2Os German Expressionist film about a strange spanner-worshipping cult

JESUS WANTS ME FOR A SUN READER aka PASS THE INSTANT YOGA

JACK POUND

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CHEMTRAILS ON MY MIND
MORT J SPOONBENDER

On September 11th 1958, José Popacatapetl, a retired tree psychologist who's father was head gardener for the CIA during the cold war, was hitchiking through the Alberqueque desert when he was picked up by a black sedan driven by J Edgar Hoover's ex-boyfriend André Pfaff head of FBI underhand operations and extra-terrestrial banking who once worked as a quantum mechanic for the KGB under the direct orders of the zombie reincarnation of Josef Stalin whose mummified corpse was stored in a secret bunker in the basement of the Vatican.

Vote For Countryside Alliance

A party political Broadcast by The Hunt Cult.

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THE SENIOR MOMENTS

SEE THEIR LAST GREAT PERFORMANCE ON THE THE PERRY COMO SHOW 1959

POISON PEOPLE

By Guano Poundhammer

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Video from the album Domestic Bliss

SUPERCALIFUCKINGFRAGIFUCKINGLISTICEXPIALIFUCKINGDOCIOUS

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