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READER: Not again. What are they demanding this time?

MYSELF: They want white gloves, like magicians, more stylish trousers and a one-day-week. I'm glad in a way, because it means I finally get to visit a real French bullring.

READER: French Bullfighting? Non! Is there such a thing?

MYSELF: Mais oui. It's exactly the same as the Spanish version, except they use a cow instead of a bull and when the tormented creature eventually gets angry enough to have a go, le matador, with a neat side-step, a flourish of his tricolour cape and a triumphant cry of au lait! whacks it over the head with a baguette and milks it.

READER: French. It’s like a whole different language.

MYSELF: Exactement. And of course to the unsuspecting British holidaymaker, the phrase I'm so hungry I could eat a horse may result in an entirely unexpected outcome.

WARRIORS RELEGATION WOES - BALACLAVA'S VERDICT

Nobby Balaclava, Hastings & St Leonards FC’s midfield enforcer has spoken about his part in the tragic 8-0 playoff defeat to Herstmonceaux Cannibals which resulted in the club’s relegation to the Hobson’s Denture Fixative League (South).

"Yes, I’m gutted. I’m not making excuses but the sun was in my eyes and I had a problem with my boots which were the wrong size and kept chafing,” he told us from the Turkish Delight Men’s Hairdresser & Nail Bar which he co-owns with local rapper MC Squaird, “and the referee kept giving me a funny look every time I got the ball, which put me off. The new manager is very strict and wouldn't let me wear my lucky astrological mood ring, so I didn't even know what mood I was in. Our Bosnian centre forward Glaxo Zog’s 93rd minute goal was good even though the referee said it wasn't, which meant we would have won easily if we’d scored another eight. Our trainer made us go for a run in the morning and it was raining, which aggravated Craig Cattermole's asthma. Someone from the Herstmonceaux catering staff put laxatives in our pre-match tea and we all had to clench our buttocks, which prevented us from running very fast. The match ball was too round and kept rolling towards our goal. Also The Cannibals cynical game plan was to deliberately kick it to each other and not give it to us. The worst thing was they all wore maroon shirts which is normally our colour, so some of the lads kept accidentally passing the ball to them by mistake. To cap it all, Tim Smegma our goalkeeper has a phobia about scorpions and their German centre forward had one in a matchbox which he kept opening in front of him when the referee wasn't looking."

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FAMOUS PEOPLE OF UPPER DICKER
Celebrating the personalities that put the Sussex town on the map

WINSTON CHURCHILL the great statesman and wartime prime minister smoked big cigars from Cuba, very probably imported into England through the port of Dover, which is just along the coast from Hastings and very near Upper Dicker.

BOBBY DAVRO, the blue-rinse piano icon, once got an amusing postcard
featuring the Upper Dicker Museum of Hosiery from his aunty Margaret, who enjoyed regular holidays in the Sussex town, despite a lifelong allergy to peanuts.

RAMSEY MACDONALD, the former Labour Party leader, was not in any
way related to Ronald McDonald the lardy-faced buffoon who represents the unacceptable face of McDonald's, the multinational junk food chain which now has a drive-thru branch in Upper Dicker. McDonald's stocks a narrow range of food-style refreshment and employs cheap Chinese toys and tooth-destroying sugary beverages to lure unsuspecting children, as well as juvenile gambling opportunities to distract their gullible parents.

BOBBY CHARLTON the heroic World Cup-winning footballer was offered the
chance of a trial with Upper Dicker Macaroons FC whilst still a schoolboy. He turned it down in favour of Manchester United.

RUPERT MURDOCH famous press baron and social commentator, was born
in Australia, and has never actually visited Upper Dicker in his life. His Grandfather Popiladou Aristosthines, a professional wrestler from Cyprus, performed as The Upper Dicker Strangler, a name he spotted in a Victorian newspaper lining a trunk, which he later adopted by deed poll.

HANS AND LOTTE HASSE the ground breaking underwater explorers were
washed up on a beach 20 miles from Upper Dicker in 1954, after the sophisticated navigation equipment on their miniature submarine became clogged up with condoms off the coast of Venezuela.

EDWARD VII the English Monarch whose last words were allegedly Bugger
Bognor, a phrase which refers to a small coastal town not dissimilar to Upper Dicker except for its marine proximity and preponderance of fish.

ELVIS PRESLEY the world famous elastic-hipped rock ‘n roll pioneer was recently spotted at the Upper Dicker branch of Poundstretchers buying a 6 pack of highlighter pens and a snap-on mobile phone cover, over 40 years after his alleged "death" on his gold plated toilet.

ERROL FLYNN (the athlete not the famous Hollywood film star), was born and bred in Upper Dicker. A legendary sprinter with the Upper Dicker Harriers, Flynn’s 100-metre record for tall men between 1947 and 1953 seemed unassailable until he slipped on a sausage skin during an Olympic qualifier and was forced to become a painter & decorator. He overcame a chronic drug and alcohol addiction to lead the town council from 1956 until 1958, when he famously sold the Upper Dicker Suspension Bridge to a Texas gambler and was forced to resign. A broken man, Flynn emigrated to Australia and tragically, in 1961, he committed suicide by making faces at a Great White Shark in Boffin Bay.

Sausage Life!

AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE FROM OUR NEW SPONSER

In response to hysterical letters from Reform School Party voters who, suffering from unregulated involuntary orgasms after the local council erections (sic), have requested that we drop the satirical, ironic tone of this column in favour of a more God–based approach in line with the general zeitgeist. We sincerely hope our readers will approve of this change and perhaps start to behave more like our new sponsors The Church of the Rising Son and their latest recruit, head chorister
The Reverend Russell Brand (whom ALMIGHTY GOD in his infinite wisdom, has forgiven).

Introduction by The Extremely Reverend Pastor Vivien Edmund Graula of The Church of the Rising Son (Upper Dicker)

HI!

First of all let me begin by saying Welcome on behalf of The Church of the Rising Son! And that goes double for Our Lord Jesus, (if he is logged on!)

FIRST THE BAD NEWS
I am afraid we have been evicted, (much like Adam & Eve in the Garden of Eden), from our headquarters in the disused crypt of Upper Dicker’s Chapel of the Presumptuous Assumption, which has been purchase by the Wetherspoons hospitality chain…(GOD often moves in mysterious ways!) But the GOOD NEWS is........we have been promised the use of the old bowling green pavilion in the town’s abandoned Armagedden Memorial Park. The pavilion was opened by Emperor Hirohito of Japan during his state visit in 1963 but sadly has deteriorated after being neglected and out of use since the gruesome axe murders of 1971.

FOSSIL FOOLS
So, introductions over, let’s get straight down to the NITTY GRITTY by tackling a few popular misconceptions surrounding the teachings of The Church of The Rising Son. Why don’t we start right at the beginning and see if we can crack that hoary old chestnut, Charles Darwin’s “theory” of so-called EVOLUTION? As you know, BATTY SCIENTISTS and LOONY ARCHEOLOGISTS have been trying for years to convince us all that ALMIGHTY GOD did NOT create us in His own Holy Image, and furthermore that we are all descended from apes (!!) (QED Show me a monkey that can service a gas boiler!!)
These so-called thinktank geniuses also insist on perpetuating the creaky old DINOSAUR MYTH, but EXCUSE ME (!) - can any readers provide me with an answer to this simple rhetorical question: In any of the paintings of the time (and there are many), depicting Noah embarking on his famous rescue voyage after the flood DID YOU SPOT ANY DINOSAURS GETTING ON THE ARK?
No, I didn't think so !!!

THE UNDISPUTABLE TRUTH
BRETHEREN, if Adam & Eve were alive today they'd be spinning in their graves. As any historian worth his pillar of salt will tell you, GOD created the world in SEVEN DAYS 5,000 years ago, and that is a well-documented fact.
During the holy infinity, before the beginning-time, there was just the KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, where all the ANGELS lived and where everything was free including meals and beverages, (much like today's Butlin's).At that time, up in The Kingdom of Heaven there were literally hundreds of things to see and do, and everyone was quite content and happy. In contrast, the situation down in you- know-where was quite different.
LUCIFER, (aka Beelzebub, aka The Unholy Prince of Darkness, aka David Icke) had the whole place pretty much to himself but the trouble was, with nothing to do, not even old magazines to read, the goat-headed emperor of sin soon became bored. Eventually he started SHOPLIFTING, began to DRINK HEAVILY, and eventually ended up on HARD DRUGS.
I think we all know what happened next… and that, to put it simply, is why we are now, all of us, living through the END-TIME.

YOU WAIT ALL DAY FOR A HORSEMAN THEN FOUR TURN UP AT ONCE…
Can there be any salvation for the unrepentent traveller?
Yes, because as we queue patiently at the terminus of doom, waiting for the arrival of coach number 666, (destination APOCALYPSE NOW!) what do we see hot on the heels of that unroadworthy vehicle of the cloven-hoofed beast but the immaculate HOLY BUS OF GOD with full service history and 12 months MOT! And if you want that bus to stop and welcome you aboard, you had better be ready to put your hand out for Jesus! Because let me assure you dear friends, as the day of The Great Rapture approaches, when our saviour THE LORD JESUS finally defeats THE GREAT BEAST in the shadow of the Valley of Armageddon, all of the UNBELIEVERS & HYPOCRITES of the earth shall be visited by biblical plagues of terrifying proportions which shall rent their garments and cause them to PERISH in unspeakable circumstances.

SWING LOW, SWEET CADDILLAC
When the end-times arrive, the saved, that is to say those of us who have cherished and followed the advice of Our Lord, will be transported by private limousine to The Kingdom of Heaven, where luxuriously appointed rooms have already been prepared for them by Chambermaid-Angels, who's duties include placing miniature bars of Cadbury's milk chocolate on each fluffy pink pillow.

AND DO YOU KNOW SOMETHING, DEAR FRIENDS?
During the Great Rapture, whilst I am being hoisted effortlessly upwards to my rightful place in The Promised Land, do you think I will shed a SINGLE TEAR for all those wicked unrepentant SINNERS and FORNICATORS? Do you think I will be troubled by the image of their TWISTED AND TORMENTED FACES as they writhe in agony covered in VOLCANIC LAVA and BOILS, prior to being taken down to begin their sentence of eternal damnation with no hope of parole?
NO, I WILL NOT.

THE SACRED ART
And that, my dear new friends is, in a nutshell, my message to all of you but before I go, let me remind you about the forthcoming exhibition of NON-DECADENT ART at the Church of The Rising Son Gallery. It is a retrospective of the work of uncontroversial Cock Marling deconstructionist The Reverend A Schicklegruber, and will feature examples from his Clothed Nudes series, including the rarely exhibited Woman in Pink Candlewick Dressing Gown Descending Staircase, which has been kindly loaned to the gallery by our latest disciple Russell Brand, who will be signing copies of his popular self-help book My Cocky-Wok.

FINAL THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
If the accursed GAMBLING game of BINGO went up to the number 1000, would the caller announce the ball labelled 666 as clickety-clickety-click, the number of the beast?
I think we should be told.

Bless you (not all of you, obviously), and Amen,
Pastor V E Graula
pp: Our Lord Jesus Christ Plc , Church of the Rising Son (Upper Dicker)

Sausage Life!

Against all odds, a poor Irish immigrant family rise to the top in 19th century America

Rarely-seen 2Os German Expressionist film about a strange spanner-worshipping cult

JESUS WANTS ME FOR A SUN READER aka PASS THE INSTANT YOGA

JACK POUND

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CHEMTRAILS ON MY MIND
MORT J SPOONBENDER

On September 11th 1958, José Popacatapetl, a retired tree psychologist who's father was head gardener for the CIA during the cold war, was hitchiking through the Alberqueque desert when he was picked up by a black sedan driven by J Edgar Hoover's ex-boyfriend André Pfaff head of FBI underhand operations and extra-terrestrial banking who once worked as a quantum mechanic for the KGB under the direct orders of the zombie reincarnation of Josef Stalin whose mummified corpse was stored in a secret bunker in the basement of the Vatican.

Vote For Countryside Alliance

A party political Broadcast by The Hunt Cult.

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THE SENIOR MOMENTS

SEE THEIR LAST GREAT PERFORMANCE ON THE THE PERRY COMO SHOW 1959

POISON PEOPLE

By Guano Poundhammer

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Video from the album Domestic Bliss

SUPERCALIFUCKINGFRAGIFUCKINGLISTICEXPIALIFUCKINGDOCIOUS

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