FISH MAN CELEBRATES EU QUOTA DEAL
POLITIKAL POKES
By Lobbytroll
MAKING CASH FOR NIGEL
After a lifetime of fiddling, meddling, self-interested bare-faced contortionism, Farage, the frog-faced fact-arsonist has finally decided to hang up his immigration binoculars, extract his finger from the political pie and tell us what a good boy is he. You can currently find him raking in the Moolah via the US-based video-sharing platform Cameo, where it is possible to further enlarge the obese bank accounts of well-known actors, sports stars and celebrities by paying them to call up a friend or relative and deliver a message commemorating, for example, a birthday, wedding anniversary, exam result or a recent money-laundering acquittal.
The opportunity for a bit of mischief will surely not go unnoticed. For instance, for a mere £75 a pop you could have Nigel telephone your mother and accuse her of working for a ruthless Chinese cartel, rowing back and forth across the channel in an inflatable dinghy with kilos of opium concealed inside families of desperate, fleeing migrants. Assuming she doesn't have a fatal coronary on the spot, Nigel will soon diffuse the situation with his loveable trademark chuckle (not included in price).
Potty-mouthed TV chef Gordon Ramsay is also signed up to Cameo's rapidly expanding roster of stars - so why not have Gordon call up your gran and reduce her to tears by threatening to come round and "sort out her fucking disgustingly filthy fucking kitchen"?
FOOTBALL CRAZY
IT'S THE STUPID, STUPID.
isn’t it about time the government (sic) stopped regarding the Great British Public as mature, responsible and over endowed with common sense and started treating them as what they are; recalcitrant 7-year-olds with short attention spans and a penchant for believing in fairies?
MEANWHILE IN PM QUEUES.......
Boris "Build Back Better" Johnson squirms like a maggot on a hot shovel trying to claim, as usual, that black is white, wrong is right and that the UK is a bottomless well of world-beating standards and technological innovation.
EXCUSE ME?
Asked about Brexit's rapid, tragic effect on the fishing and entertainment industries, he woffled that "alas, some fishermen are, er er, experiencing ah, um, problems....", whilst completely avoiding the dread subject of entertainer's livelihoods.
As a well-known artist friend of mine pointed out, "Not many people connected with the arts vote conservative"
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HOW I LOST 15LBS OF UGLY FAT BY SAWING OFF MY OWN HEAD
MESSAGE TO EAST SUSSEX
FROM COVID-19 PLC
Trading as Coronavirus
The board of directors of Covid-19 PLC would like to extend their heartfelt thanks to the anti-vaxxers. anti-maskers and radical reality-deniers whose bold quest for “personal freedom” combined with wilful ignorance and an unquenchable desire for shameless narcissistic self publicity has made our job so much easier. Now that we have properly arrived in your area we look forward to your custom.
See you at the ICU!
TRUMP HITLER PARDON TWEET
@therealdonaldtrump
Great guy, very great. Never got the hair right. Stole a lot of my ideas, but I forgive him. That's the kind of guy I am.
FREE SPEECH OR FREE LUNCH?
I wonder how many advocates of "free speech" would turn down the opportunity to pop back to the 1930s and shut Hitler up? Still, I suppose 75 million deaths is a small price to pay for the opportunity to "express yourself" on"social media", ain't it?
BREXIT THROUGH THE LOOKING GLASS
By Patrick Carabine
All Mimsy were
The Boris, Gove,
David, Jacob (Slithy-Tove),
Their Ja ist nein
their grosse ist kleine
their je ne sais quoi
underlined.
Their no’s are yesses
feeble guesses
beamish boys with
dyed blond tresses
Four Brexiteers
two gins, two beers
Eton messes
pigs in dresses
wallowing in
their worst excesses
PRITI SHAMELESS
No sign of Home Secretary Priti Patel at PMQs, to explain her department's collossal, scandalous loss of criminal data, including fingerprint and DNA records. Jerry-built IT systems which the government is so fond of will be reluctantly blamed. No sanctions will follow.
Lobbytroll would like to hereby disassociate itself from any suggestion that a disgruntled Home Office employee, their lives made an insufferable misery by Patel's relentless pathological power trip, might perhaps have "accidentally" pressed delete
WOODSTOCK SYNDROME
If everyone who claimed they were at Yasgur's Farm in 1969 were speaking the truth, the actual attendance at Woodstock would have been in the millions. “Oh yes I was there” they say and who are you to contradict? It was a large crowd let’s face it.
Now that the faeces has finally collided with the air conditioner, would anyone now even own up to voting for Brexit or any other get rich quick scheme proposed by this gang of inept pickpockets and political vagrants?
“Of course I voted remain!” the new Woodstock generation will tell you. Look out for this new strain of self-deluded revisionists as the Brexit nightmare sinks in.
They slept through the fire alarm, and now they've "woken up" to find themselves trapped in a burning building*.
*I believe Jacob Reese-Mogg has a view on this.
THIS IRRISISTABLE NEW FRAGRANCE WILL CAPTIVATE WOMEN'S HEARTS
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